HINENI

Here am I, God, but Where are You?

Tuvya Zaretsky

BT053
Purple Pomegranate Productions
A division of Jews f✡r Jesus®
60 Haight Street
San Francisco, CA 94102-5895
www.jewsforjesus.org

A J e w s f ✡ r J e s u s Te s t i m o n y B o o k l e t
HINENI
H e r e a m I , G o d , b u t W h e r e a r e Yo u ?

By Tuvya Zaretsky

Edited by Tracy Stiffler

A Purple Pomegranate Book

Purple Pomegranate Productions
Hineni: Here am I, God, but Where are You?
by Tuvya Zaretsky
edited by Tracy Stiffler
© Copyright 2004 by Purple Pomegranate Productions
Cover design by David Yapp

All rights reserved. Nothing in this book shall be reprinted or

reproduced, electronically or in any other manner, without express
written permission.

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Published by
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ISBN 1-881022-76-5
 HINENI
H e r e a m I , G o d , b u t W h e r e a r e Yo u ?

On my eighteenth birthday, I returned from the library to encounter

a small gathering outside my dorm room. It occurred to me that
they might be planning to surprise me with a small party in my
room. I entered and set down my books. Some of the guys pushed
their way through my door and I expected them to yell, “Happy
birthday!” To my great horror, I noticed a poster on my wall.
Someone had scrawled in dark red letters, “If I had known it was
your birthday, I would have baked you a kike.” I was both
infuriated and humiliated. Turns out my roommate, a “friend” from
high school, had let everyone in and helped them “decorate.” The
fight that erupted left me with two broken ribs. I spent the rest of my
birthday in the infirmary.

M y great-grandfather was murdered in the town square of a

village in Byelorussia in the early 1900s. The leaders of the
pogrom singled him out because he was the mill owner, a prominent
town figure. His death was meant to signal everyone in the area
that Jews were no longer welcome there. Out of desperation, my
great-grandmother sent my grandfather and two of his brothers to
North America where they could support the rest of the family and
carry on the Zaretsky name.
When my father was born, he was given the name Abraham
“Abe” Zaretsky. In an attempt to blend into his “Christian”
cultural environment, however, he later took the more common
1
2 Hineni

name “Al.” But apparently that was not enough, because he and
his family then changed their last name to Carsen, and that is how
a Jew of Eastern European descent, finally became known as Dr.
Albert Carsen.
My mother’s father also tried to assimilate into the American
“Christian” culture when he emigrated from Poland. He and six
other Jewish men chose to call their clothing line Haminton Park
Suits. By purposefully giving it a “goyish” name, they hoped to
avoid the stigma associated with being Jewish businessmen. Like
so many Jewish people of that era, my grandfather chose to
downplay his Jewishness to gain a chance for success in the “land
of opportunity.”
I was born in 1947, on the day my parents moved to San Jose,
California. They named me Lloyd Carsen. Our post-World War II
tract home was in a mostly “Christian” neighborhood. Yet in my
preschool years, I wasn’t even aware that I was a minority. My
parents socialized almost exclusively with Jewish friends and
family, so in my small world everyone was pretty much like me.
As a child, I had a sense of something bigger than anything I
could see or imagine—a sense of God. I still remember my first
impression of him. I was about six, and (as usual) I had been
outside all day, running around—literally—just running this way
and that. The day was ending, and I was tired, so I flopped down on
our front lawn, rolled over on my back, and looked up at the sky. I
watched as the sky faded slowly from bright blue to pale blue to
purple then finally to black. I felt something like awe as I looked up
at the infinite sky that night. And I believed God lived somewhere
out there, because it was the only place big enough for him.
From that night on, my sense of wonder grew and my mind
began to reach out—wanting to know how far the darkness went,
how the stars got up there, and how I got down here. Then, like
the sky, my wonder began to fade from “bright blue” excitement to
“a deep dark” fear. Suddenly, I became aware of my smallness
and God’s bigness. Even so, I wanted to touch God. He was as
By Tuvya Zaretsky 3

distant as the stars to me, yet just as real. I knew He was there,
somewhere. And I wanted to find him.
After I started public school, my parents joined Temple
Emmanu-El in San Jose where I attended religious school and
Hebrew classes. For the first time, I began to feel my uniqueness
as a Jewish boy in a mostly “Christian” neighborhood. But I
welcomed it. I didn’t feel excluded. I appreciated the closeness of
our Jewish social circle and counted it a positive part of who I was.
Every Sunday, I went to religious school at our synagogue with
my Jewish friends. My classmates came from various schools in
San Jose, so it was fun getting to know kids outside of my
immediate social circle. In public school, we were always the
outsiders—the ones who didn’t celebrate Christmas or Easter. But
at religious and Hebrew School, my friends and I were the insiders;
we were a community unto ourselves. We had fun.
I remember one morning cramming for class in the car.
Everyone else was joking around and telling me to give up—that it
was too late. When I got to class, however, Mrs. Blomberg called
on me to answer the first few questions (the only ones I had
prepared for)! After I had answered them, she asked the others to
answer the remaining questions. It was funny to watch my friends
buckle beneath the pressure as my teacher pinned a halo over my
head that day. We laughed about it all the way back home.
I began to look forward to Sundays, not just because of the
classes, but because my dad, a busy physician, would sometimes
pick me up early from class and take me to 49er football games up
in San Francisco. Other times, he would stop at the New York
delicatessen on the way home and get lox, bagels, smoked
whitefish, sable, pickles, rye bread and halvah to bring as lunch for
the rest of our family.
As the time for my bar mitzvah drew closer, however, I enjoyed
Sundays a lot less. By that time I had Hebrew classes twice a week
and the workload was increasing. Plus, our tight-knit group was
slowly falling apart as, one by one, each member celebrated his bar
4 Hineni

mitzvah and never returned to class. I guess I did feel some joy for
them, but mostly I was just sad to see them go.
On the positive side, I met Uzi Justman, an Israeli who came to
my house each week to tutor me in Hebrew. I liked Uzi. He was
passionate about Israel, our Jewish homeland. He loved to tell me
about life there, and I loved to listen. Somehow, when I was around
him, I’d “catch” his enthusiasm. He had served in the Israeli army
in the first Sinai Campaign in the mid-1950s, and he told me about
his experiences with great excitement. My love for Israel was born
out of those animated conversations with Uzi as we munched on
tuna sandwiches between lessons.
During this time, I read “Pathways Through the Bible,” a Bible
designed specifically for young people. As I read about my
ancestors, the prophets, I was fascinated by the intimate
relationship each one had with God. I wanted God to talk to me
like that.
I also remember the dark, finely etched drawings of the Bible
characters illuminating the stories. They captivated me, and I was
often so distracted that I missed my teacher’s instruction. The
sadness and pain I saw in the eyes of those ancient people seemed
to reach out to me with desperation. Years later, I discovered that
Arthur Szyk, the illustrator, was a Holocaust survivor.
The final step in preparing for my bar mitzvah was meeting with
my rabbi, Joseph Gitten. These meetings, along with the ever-
increasing demands of my Hebrew classes, required most of my free
time. Eventually I had to drop out of Boy Scouts. At first, I was
disappointed that I had to give up the outdoor activities I loved so
much. But it wasn’t too difficult to let it go; none of my Jewish
friends were part of the scout troop, so I had always felt a little out
of place.
At that point, I started to feel a certain depth to my experience.
Perhaps all the attention I was receiving provoked me to think more
about what was happening to me. Maybe sacrificing after-school
activities made me examine the value of what I was doing. But it
By Tuvya Zaretsky 5

wasn’t so easy to integrate the spiritual aspects into everyday life.

For example, Rabbi Gitten was a man of enormous warmth and
intellect. He stood before the congregation in a long black robe
with a white prayer shawl over his shoulders. His big black miter
(the hat that symbolized the headdress of the ancient Jewish high
priest) made him appear much taller than everyone else. In his
official role, he was very imposing to me—larger-than-life.
My parents, however, knew Rabbi Gitten personally, so I also
saw him outside of the synagogue. He and his wife vacationed with
us at Lake Tahoe. Naturally, he wore a bathing suit. I remember
feeling funny about that, uncomfortable even. The transformation
from larger-than-life to mere mortal in swim shorts just seemed—
well, wrong. I guess I had an innate sense that holy things should
be separate from the mundane, though I would not have been able
to express it at the time.
In the spring of 1960, my entire extended family came to
California for my bar mitzvah. I was excited to see all of my
relatives in one place, to feel part of something that was much
bigger than just me. One night, my grandfather and grandmother
held a ceremony in our living room. With great solemnity—in front
of my entire family—they presented me with the yarmulke and
tallis that I would use the next day for my bar mitzvah.
That night, they also told me the story of their coming to
America. I had researched this story for a school assignment, but
as they told of my great-grandfather’s murder and my grandfather’s
flight for survival, it all seemed much more real. My world began
to deepen and widen that night as I realized I was linked to a very
distant past. I saw a life connected to people beyond my immediate
experience. Even though I could not articulate it, I knew this
connection somehow gave my life meaning and purpose.
On the evening of my bar mitzvah, it became “official,” I was
taking my place in the Jewish community. I remember a feeling of
pride as I read the prayers with both my grandfather and father—
each of us in order, generation after generation. My grandfather
6 Hineni

prayed a mile a minute in Ashkenazi Hebrew, which to me,

sounded old-fashioned because I had learned the Sephardi style. I
remember thinking, “Where did they learn to pray like this?” Then
I recalled what my father had told me about his upbringing, and
how he grew up saying those prayers daily as a young Orthodox
Jewish boy. Once again, I realized that life was much bigger than
my own experiences. A window seemed to open into the past—my
father’s childhood so distinct from my own. Yet at the same time, I
could see the future in myself.
After we prayed, I read from the Haftorah portion in Isaiah,
chapter 6. I read the story of the prophet’s response to God’s call.
The Lord asked, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” and
Isaiah replied, “Hineni,” (which means, “here am I”). As I read
those words in front of everyone in the synagogue, I felt a sense of
anticipation, like I was the prophet, and somehow, I too, was calling
out to God. Just like when I was six, lying on the lawn, looking up
at the stars—I was reaching out to him again.
Afterwards, while the reception was under way in the
synagogue’s fellowship hall, I sneaked back into the sanctuary. I
wanted to meet with God—alone. So there in the darkened
sanctuary, I said the only thing that came to mind, “Hineni.” But
nothing happened to break the silence except my own breathing
and the distant sound of people talking beyond the doors of the
dark room. “Here I am,” but where was he? I had sacrificed a lot
of time preparing for this day. I had read and believed the
prophets. I saw how God spoke directly to my ancestors, and now I
figured, it was my turn. But where was he? I sat awhile in the
darkness until I figured I wasn’t going to meet God there after all. I
rejoined the party a disappointed young man.
After my bar mitzvah, my perception of what it meant to be
Jewish in a mostly “Christian” neighborhood changed. What my
parents had said about how “the Christians” felt about us Jews was
no longer remote and irrelevant—I began to experience it
personally. Once, I was eating lunch with some classmates when
By Tuvya Zaretsky 7

another student came over and asked them if they knew that they
were eating with a Jew. His question was obviously not meant to
gain a point of information. My lunch-mates looked back at him, as
if to question whether, in fact, they were doing something wrong.
I’d heard the stories about how the “Christians” killed my great-
grandfather in Byelorussia and how the University of Toronto
Hospital had rejected my father’s application because he was
Jewish (even though he was the second highest graduate in his
medical school class). I even sat through a meal once as a guest at
a neighbor’s house while the father made comments about Jews
having “killed” Jesus.
I kept close to my Jewish friends in high school, not merely to
be with them, but to be away from others—much as my parents
had done. But unlike my parents, who went as far as changing
their names to assimilate into the Christian culture, we dared to
be ourselves.
We even formed a folk music group called “Greenlanders” and
wrote a song about a very human, teenage Jesus. Of course we got
in trouble at school for singing it in a concert, but we got in even
more trouble with our parents, who feared that our song would be
seen as an insult to “the Christians” in our community. They
feared a backlash—as though we had sabotaged the “ground” they
had gained among the Christians in their lifetime.
The times when I felt freest were times I spent in the ocean—
surfing. I lived for the outdoors. Every day, I could barely wait for
classes to end so that I could dash home, grab my trunks, my wet
suit, my body board, a few friends and head over to Santa Cruz.
Winter surfing was exhilarating! We would stay out as late as we
could before it got too dark. It seemed like we had the entire ocean
to ourselves. I loved being out there. I enjoyed the challenge of
being a small speck in the vast waters. I loved the pounding waves
that came in like blue-green mountains growing off of the horizon.
I often talked to God during those times. Far out in the ocean,
my fears combined with ecstasy. I felt small, yet significant. I had
8 Hineni

moments of dread, and then I began praising God for his power, for
his mystery . . . for his boundlessness! He created everything my
eyes could see. He was huge. Bigger than the waves. Bigger than
the ocean. Bigger than the entire earth on which the waters rolled!
And yet he seemed so near.
The summer after I graduated from high school, my best friend,
Mike Bluhm died. I was devastated. Neither my family nor my
friends knew how to console or comfort me while I was grieving. I
knew that the only one who understood me during those days was
God. Even though I had no expectation of hearing from him, it
comforted me to just know he was there.
I continued to speak to God during my college years. In fact, I
began seriously seeking his presence through prayer. I was lonely.
I also worried about being drafted for the war in Vietnam. I was an
immature college freshman (I had enrolled at seventeen), but I felt
the pressure to stay in school because I didn’t want to be forced to
fight a war I didn’t support. I knew God was the only one who
could help me.
After classes, I often hiked in the nearby mountains, finding a
rock where I could sit and pray. In those incredibly beautiful
surroundings, I found the peace to focus my mind on God. In the
quietness of nature, my heart found it natural to reach out to him.
I asked God to comfort and guide me; I wanted relief from the
heartache of facing all the pressures of life on my own. I was
hurting. And I wanted his help.
Of the 2,000 students at the University of Redlands, I knew only
ten (including me) who were Jewish. The school was originally
affiliated with a Baptist denomination. Although they were in the
process of severing their religious ties, all university students were
still required to attend chapel convocations twice a week during my
freshman year. My parents and I had discussed this and agreed I
could survive the services for a year if I had to. I ended up taking
my father’s advice and brought my textbooks to chapel to “pass the
time.” Soon, however, my “chapel studies” became a silent protest
By Tuvya Zaretsky 9

against having to attend something that I didn’t support.

I was known as Lloyd Carsen at the time, so it was easy for me to
blend into the white, middle class Southern California atmosphere
of which I was now a part. That is, it was easy for them to accept
me since many assumed I was “one of them” unlike the other, more
obvious minorities whom they tended to ostracize. But I never
quite felt like I belonged. I felt alienated, especially during “the
holidays.” I was always nervous when I declined invitations to
various Christmas programs. I hoped my classmates would not
consider me disrespectful or standoffish.
On my eighteenth birthday, I found out I wasn’t as well accepted
as I had thought. When I returned from the library, I encountered a
small gathering outside my dorm room. I didn’t think much about it
at first because it wasn’t unusual for people to be hanging out in
our hallway. Then it occurred to me that they might be planning to
surprise me with a small party in my room. I entered and set down
my books. Some of the guys pushed their way through my door and
I expected them to yell, “Happy birthday!” To my great horror, I
noticed a poster on my wall. Someone had scrawled in dark red
letters, “If I had known it was your birthday, I would have baked
you a kike.”
I was both infuriated and humiliated. Turns out my roommate, a
“friend” from high school, had let everyone in and helped them
“decorate.” Ironically, the one guy whom I’d sometimes heard
make racist remarks had nothing to do with it. He and I had
developed a mutual respect from shared success on the track team,
so he refused to join in. Still, he didn’t try to stop them. The fight
that erupted left me with two broken ribs. I spent the rest of my
birthday in the infirmary.
The remaining month and a half of that academic year was
perhaps the loneliest time in my life. I was learning what it meant
to be part of a unique and peculiar people. At the same time, I was
learning how to stand up to opposition, which helped me with my
ongoing fight against the draft and the Vietnam War.
Above: Tuvya, aged 4

Above: Tuvya, aged 14

Left: Bar Mitzvah, June, 1960.

Temple Emanu-El, San Jose,
CA. Three generations; Tuvya,
his dad and Grandpa.

Right: 1972 in Moishe

Rosen’s office in Corte
Madera. Tuvya had just
returned to the U.S. after
two years in Israel.
 Right: Ellen and Tuvya with Jesse,
early 1989

Above: Ellen, Jesse, Kaile, Abbie and

Tuvya, fall, 2000

Right: At West Coast Ingathering, 2003.

 Below: Working in Boston during
the mid-eighties

Above: With The Liberated Wailing

Wall, 1976

Left: Handing out broadsides

at Independence Hall,
Philadelphia, 1975

Right: Summer 1980 in

New York with Susan
Perlman’s Uncle Simon –
street encounter
 Greg Abbot
Above: Explaining
the gospel to a man
on the steps of the
42nd St. Library,
New York, 1975

Right: New York, 1980

Left: Washing feet with Susan

Perlman in Belfast, 1977
14 Hineni

Throughout college, I refused to submit to any policy with which

I strongly disagreed. My resistance to the war developed from a
high school friendship I had had with a South Vietnamese foreign
exchange student named Ha Kim Vong. I’d gotten to know him
pretty well. He was a real person, and Vietnam was his home.
From what I learned about his world, I felt the American policy was
misinforming the American public and misusing the dedication and
honor of our military troops—my friends and their families.
The government pestered and even threatened me with arrest if I
didn’t cooperate with the Selective Service System. After a
protracted battle with my Draft Board, I was finally given a
“conscientious objector” status and was released from the
obligation. This was timely, since I had just become a prime
candidate for the draft. That yearlong battle, as difficult as it was,
changed me and made me stronger. I learned that it is worthwhile to
stand up for your convictions.
During that time, my concept of God began to change. I had a
deepening desire to connect with him and to know him intimately.
I was going to the San Gorgonio mountains more and more
frequently to pray. I longed to hear from God, but the more I
reached out, the more frustrated I became. As in my bar mitzvah
days, I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t talk with me the way
he did with my ancestors, like Abraham, David and Isaiah. I kept
anticipating his voice, but time and time again, I was greeted only
by silence.
I dealt with my loneliness by turning to drugs, and I walked that
road for the remainder of my college career. In April, on my
twenty-third birthday, I became depressed, as the reality of how I
was choosing to deal with my problems became too heavy for me to
bear. I spent that evening talking with a former professor of mine
who noticed my change in attitude and reached out to me. I never
forgot her kindness.
Later that night, a friend of mine took me up to the mountains. I
wanted to walk in the snow until the sun came up, imagining that I
By Tuvya Zaretsky 15

could somehow walk out my feeling of despair. As I watched the

beauty of the sunrise, I suddenly started to feel the weight of my
hopelessness lift as well. I was talking to God. I asked him to help
me find more beautiful sunrises. I wanted to experience all the
breathtaking sunrises, and I knew if I was ever going to find them,
he was the one to get me there.
I received my M.A. and was offered a job working with the local
community in the war against drugs. Eventually, I became a
counselor at a drug abuse clinic. It made me face some horrible
realities about myself. First, I was trying to hide from the
loneliness and frustrations of life instead of dealing with them head
on. Second, I was a hypocrite—telling others to stop abusing
drugs, while secretly I had used them to numb my own pain. I
hated my hypocrisy and was fearful about my future. I wanted to
live as I knew I should. I reached a moment of decision and I
promised myself I would start living out my convictions.
I had a true desire to help those I was counseling, so I often
looked to others in my field for advice. That is how I came to
know Jean Zeller. I sought her professional advice, but somehow
she always seemed to bring the conversation to a more personal
level. I knew she was a religious Christian, and I never hesitated
to tell her what I thought about “her type,” especially those who
tried to influence the drug abuse program. She never seemed to
take offense at my blunt remarks and we shared a mutual respect
and appreciation.
I was surprised when Jean asked if I had ever come to God for
the answers to my questions about life. I told her frankly how God
had disappointed me ever since my bar mitzvah; how even when I
sought him, he refused to answer. Then Jean told me about God’s
promise: “Ask and you will receive. Seek and you will find. Knock
and the door will be opened to you.” It didn’t occur to me to ask
when or how God made such a promise. It sounded like God.
After all, there had to be some reason why I’d been calling out to
him all those years; I must have already sensed the promise was
16 Hineni

true to some extent without even knowing it. Jean encouraged me

not to give up.
One warm summer night, I went back to the mountains. Seated
next to a waterfall I called out to the God of Abraham, Isaac and
Jacob—the only one God of the Jewish people. I told him that I
was asking, seeking and knocking for two purposes: I wanted to
know how I was doing in his eyes, and I wanted him to reveal
himself to me.
Soon after, I realized that God had already been answering the
first part of my request. In so many ways, I was very aware of my
hypocritical behavior at the drug clinic as well as the cowardly way
I’d chosen to run from life’s difficulties. I was demanding honesty
from people at the clinic while I continued to lie. How could I
rightfully demand or successfully help others face reality if I was
unwilling to do this myself? My own behavior was indicting me.
Around that time, the mother of a good friend gave me a gift. She
had always treated me like a son. She was raised in Christian
tradition, yet had recently come to understand God in a new and
personal way. And she liked to talk about it. So I wasn’t surprised
when she sent me a book about religion. She even inscribed it: “I’m
sending this to you because I cherish you.” I leafed through the pages
and quickly noticed references to Jesus. At that point, I dismissed the
book as irrelevant and tossed it in the back of my closet.
However, six weeks later, while I was reading other spiritual
material, I reached back in my closet for the book and began
reading it. It was The Late Great Planet Earth by Hal Lindsey. I
remember being enraged with Lindsey’s view of the Scriptures. He
was trying to tell me, a Jew, that the Jewish prophets were the first to
make reference to Jesus. I immediately concluded that Lindsey was
an idiot. But I continued to read. And as I did, my rage gave way to
curiosity. Especially when I started reading about his idea that God
has a plan that has been unfolding since the beginning of the world.
I had actually been trying to open myself up to different
worldviews. This one, however, was too unsettling. I had never
By Tuvya Zaretsky 17

given the slightest thought to the possibility that Jesus could be the
Messiah and that the Jewish prophets might have been pointing to
him. These were the things Lindsey was making me consider and I
didn’t like it. Yet deep down, I feared it might actually be true.
If Jesus was the Jewish Messiah, my whole frame of reference—
my reality—was wrong. The mere thought of that possibility made
me feel isolated. If I believed this, who would I be, what would I
become? It seemed that I would be neither a Jew nor a Christian. I
would be a minority among my own people—an outcast of outcasts!
I knew firsthand what people who (I thought) were Christian did to
Jews, and I couldn’t even imagine why I, or any other Jewish
person, would even consider their Jesus. Nevertheless, I was driven
to find the truth.
So when I saw a sign on campus the next day advertising: “Hal
Lindsey, Author of The Late Great Planet Earth: Here Tonight!” I
nearly had a panic attack. It seemed beyond the realm of
coincidence, but if it wasn’t a coincidence, what was it? Was God
finally speaking to me? I felt like I had no choice; I had to hear
Lindsey. I sat in the back of the meeting where no one could see
me and listened to him give the same message I had read in his
book. I was terribly frightened because I found myself considering
that his message might be true. How could our rabbis be wrong?
How could a whole people be wrong?
At the end of Lindsey’s message, he invited people to respond. I
wanted to know the truth and I was silently calling out to God, asking
him to reveal it. I really didn’t want anyone else to know. Afterwards,
I approached Lindsey more privately, and said something like, “As a
descendant of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, what you had to say was
interesting.” I wanted to talk with him in a casual, confident way, but
I probably came across as an immature angry young man. When he
tried to ask me my name, I turned around and stomped out. Even so,
there was something inside me that would not bow down to my fear. I
felt like I was fighting for truth, much the same way I had fought for
my convictions over the Vietnam War several years before.
18 Hineni

I knew I either had to continue to pursue what I suspected was

true or else turn away altogether. I chose to pursue my growing
“suspicions” by reading the Gospel of John in the New Testament.
I was astounded at how believable it was and how credible Jesus
was. There was no way I could logically dismiss what I was
reading, but I wanted to dismiss it because I didn’t want to endure
the consequences of believing. Yet all my rationalizing was getting
me nowhere—and I knew what I had to do.
Eight months had passed since I had gone to the mountains to
seek God. I went again, this time with a Bible in my backpack. My
heart was filled with sadness as well as joy. I knew what I was going
there to do, and I was agonizing over what would happen next.
Sitting in my tent surrounded by snow-covered wilderness, I read
the Gospel of John again. Everything I read about Jesus convinced
me that he was the Messiah. In him, I saw the fulfillment of the
Scriptures. He lived as a Jew and understood Torah at its core. He
taught it like no other rabbi I had known. I started reading by
evening light. I finished by flashlight and when I finally hiked down
the mountain, I knew I had encountered the truth—the Messiah of
Israel. I was exhilarated. The winter breeze was awakening my
senses, and I had finally found what I’d been looking for. But I was
also chilled by the fear of what I had to do next.
For the next few days, I called out to God for direction. Then,
the same kind professor who had sat up with me on my birthday the
year before invited me to a Christmas pageant called, “The Feast of
Lights.” For seven years I had avoided invitations to these
programs, but this time, I finally accepted. I sat in the back,
culturally estranged from the crowd, yet personally drawn to the
message that Jesus was, “...the way, the truth and the life,” and
that, “No one comes to the Father but by [him]” (John 14:6). Still, I
was resisting the one I had rejected all my life because I had
always been taught, “Jesus is not for the Jewish people!”
At intermission, I repeated that oft heard phrase to the
professor who was sitting near me. She told me that when Jesus
By Tuvya Zaretsky 19

spoke the words I was hearing that night, he was talking to a

crowd of Jewish people who were just like me. With that, my last
barrier fell. I left the Christmas pageant and walked into the cold
December night. It was so still. And so was I, in many ways. I
looked at the holiday lights in the windows, my heart torn between
hope and sadness. I talked to God about my life and my sin. I
told him I was afraid of being alone forever—afraid of being
separated from him and from my people. But as I told God my
fears, I was incredibly comforted by the idea that God was there
with me. For the first time, I felt God’s presence as I had
imagined my ancestors did long ago. That night I encountered
God himself, Emmanu-el—God who is with us.
Later at home, I sat on the edge of my bed and recalled the path
I had begun that summer. I remembered how God answered the
first part of my request by showing me my shortcomings, my
hypocrisy and my need for him. Now he was answering my second
request as he revealed himself to me in the person of Jesus Christ. I
recalled the gist of the prayer Hal Lindsey had suggested the week
before. I bowed my head and told God that I wanted to turn from
my sin and receive salvation through the Messiah, Jesus.
I immediately wanted to tell everyone else about my discovery and
my decision. When I told Jean Zeller, she shared through tears that
she had been praying for me the whole time. She had been asking
God, “Make him the kind of Jew that you always wanted him to be.”
She urged me to get baptized. Two weeks later I did so in front
of Jean and five very stunned friends of mine. A few days later, I
bought a one-way ticket to London to begin my adventure with the
Lord. I was headed for Israel where I felt I would be able to find
answers to the unique challenges of both being Jewish and
believing in Jesus.
I arrived in Jerusalem in March 1971 and immediately started
looking for information to help me better understand my new faith.
It made sense culturally to start using the Hebrew name my parents
had given me. Tuvya, which means “God is good,” fit better with
20 Hineni

the family name of Zaretsky which I also began using. I eventually

made it a legal change.
For eighteen months, I lived and worked in Israel, periodically
renewing my tourist visa. I studied Hebrew and the Bible intensely.
I also met Mary Ann Slichter (now Miriam Nadler), a worker with
the American Board of Missions to the Jews (now Chosen People
Ministries). Moishe Rosen had trained her in New York and she was
continuing her acculturation in Israel. When she heard my story,
she put me in touch with Moishe, who at the time, was involved in
the “Jesus People” movement that was taking place in California.
In the fall of 1972, I returned to the United States, met Moishe
and began volunteering with him and other young Jewish believers
in Jesus in the San Francisco Bay Area. When Jews for Jesus was
incorporated as a non-profit ministry in the fall of 1973, I began to
pray about switching my volunteer effort to a full-time commitment.
In February of 1974, I came on staff as our first field missionary.
In 1979, I met Ellen Covett, a Jewish believer in Jesus who was
also on our staff. We married in 1980. Ellen and I have three
children who are 100 percent Jewish, but who would also tell you
that they are 100 percent Christian.
I cannot imagine a more fulfilling life. I found what I had always
longed for: an intimate relationship with God, my creator. Now, I
understand the true destiny of my life as a Jew: to serve and to worship
the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, indeed the God of all creation.
If you suspect that Jesus might be the Messiah, but fear the
consequences, here’s a word of encouragement. It’s not always easy
being a Jew who believes in Jesus, but no difficulty can overshadow
the joy of knowing God in the same way our ancestors did. The
truth will remain the same, whether or not we go looking for it or
choose to believe it. Are you willing to ask God to show you the
truth about Jesus?
By Tuvya Zaretsky 21

If you would like to read other stories of Jews who are for Jesus,
check out the Jews for Jesus web site (www.jewsforjesus.org), write
for more information or e-mail Tuvya at [email protected].

Jews for Jesus International Headquarters

60 Haight Street
San Francisco, CA 94102-5895

Look for titles such as:

Books:
Testimonies of Jews Who Believe in Jesus, Ruth Rosen, Editor
Jewish Doctors Meet the Great Physician, Ruth Rosen, Editor
Last Jew of Rotterdam by Ernest Cassutto
Between Two Fathers by Charles Barg, M.D.

Booklets:
Drawn to Jesus: The Journey of a Jewish Artist by David Rothstein
Who Ever Heard of a Jewish Missionary? by Bob Mendelsohn
From Yeshiva to Y’shua by Lev Leigh
Loss to Life by Susan Perlman
Nothing to Fear by Karol Joseph
Whether you consider yourself Orthodox,
Conservative, Reform, religious or not, if you
are looking for a personal relationship with
God, please consider the following:

1. God is concerned with every aspect of

your life.
“Can a woman forget her nursing child, and
not have compassion on the son of her
womb? Surely they may forget, yet I will not
forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the
palms of My hands . . .” (Isaiah 49:15,16a).

2. You can’t truly experience God’s love

because of sin.
“But your iniquities have separated you
from your God; and your sins have hidden
His face from you, so that He will not
hear” (Isaiah 59:2).

3. God provided Y’shua (Jesus) to be your

sin-bearer and Savior.
“But He was wounded for our
transgressions, He was bruised for our
iniquities; the chastisement for our peace
was upon Him, and by His stripes we are
healed” (Isaiah 53:5).

4. You can receive forgiveness of sins and a

personal relationship with God by asking
Y’shua to reign in your heart.
“. . . if you confess with your mouth the Lord
Y’shua and believe in your heart that God
has raised Him from the dead, you will be
saved. For with the heart one believes unto
righteousness, and with the mouth confession BT053
is made unto salvation” (Romans 10:9,10). Purple Pomegranate Productions
A division of Jews f✡r Jesus®
If you believe these verses and want to follow 60 Haight Street
Y’shua, there is a prayer on the inside cover San Francisco, CA 94102-5895
that will help you begin a new life. www.jewsforjesus.org
 tear off and mail

“God of Abraham, I know that I have sinned against you and ❏ I have read the texts from the Bible and have prayed the prayer to claim
I want to turn from my sins. I believe you provided Y’shua the abundant and eternal life that the Messiah Y’shua can give me. I
as a once and for all atonement for me. With this prayer, I sign my name as a commitment to make him my Savior and Lord.
place my trust in Y’shua as my Savior and my Lord. I thank
you for cleansing me of sin, and for giving me peace with you Signed Date
and eternal life through the Messiah’s death and
resurrection. Please help me be faithful in learning to trust ❏ I really don’t understand or believe these texts yet. Please contact me,
and love you more each day. Amen.” as I am seriously willing to consider and seek what God has for me.

(Please print) ❏ I am already a believer in Y’shua and want to know more about
Jews for Jesus.
Name
❏ I am Jewish ❏ I am Gentile
Street

City State Postal Code Mail to: Jews f ✡r Jesus

60 Haight Street
Phone ( ) San Francisco, CA 94102-5895
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