When Life Gives You Demons by Jennifer Honeybourn (Excerpt)

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C hapter

“SHELBY, CONCENTRATE.” U
­ ncle Roy’s eyebrows snap
together, forcing the skin at the bridge of his nose into a deep
wrinkle.
I sigh and hold the heavy silver crucifix a ­little bit higher.
Mrs. Collins is chained to the bed, her thin arms stretched
across the mattress and secured to the headboard with iron
handcuffs. Sounds totally sadistic, but it’s actually a neces-
sary safety precaution. That old lady may look frail, but if

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she ­weren’t restrained she could easily tear me apart. And
from the way she’s glaring at me with her crazy red demon
eyes, I have no doubt s­ he’d like to.
Before she was possessed, Mrs. Collins prob­ably spent
her days baking cookies for her grandchildren and planting
tulips in her garden. Now? Her head is spinning on her neck
like a globe on its axis, and she’s using language that’s so foul
it makes my face burn.
­Uncle Roy nudges me t­ oward the bed. The crucifix starts
to vibrate in my hands. Mrs. Collins’s eyes widen and she
strains against the handcuffs, her body arching ­toward the
ceiling. She i­sn’t wearing her false teeth, and her mouth is
ghoulishly sunken in. Spit is flying everywhere, which is
totally gross and part of the reason why I ­don’t want to get
too close to her. That and the kicking. Her legs are flying
around like the blades of a windmill. She’s working them so
fast that her bottom starts to lift off the mattress, forcing her
modest white nightgown to slide up to her hips in a very un-­
grandmotherly way and giving me a ringside view of her
control-­top underwear.
And then the rest of her starts to lift off the bed.
Crap. Looks like she’s figured out how to levitate. I guess
I should have pinned her legs down a­ fter all.
I sneak a look at U
­ ncle Roy. He just sighs and shakes his
head.

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Lifting the crucifix up even higher, I close my eyes and
start to mutter the incantation. “Deus, in nómine tuo salvum
me fac—”
“Say it like you mean it,” he says.
“—­et virtúte tua age causam meam—”
“Louder!”
I glare at him. Seriously? How am I supposed to concen-
trate when he keeps interrupting?
“Deus, audi oratiónem . . . ​meam . . . ​um . . . ​áuribus?”
­There’s a reason why Latin is a dead language. It’s impos-
sible to learn. Which is why even though ­Uncle Roy has
made me practice this chant a million times, I still struggle
with it.
“Áuribus pércipe . . .” he prompts me.
“Áuribus pércipe verba oris mei.”
I make it through the rest of the incantation without
stumbling. As I finish, I feel a shift in the air, and all the
sound is suddenly sucked out of the room. Smiling, I open
my eyes, expecting Mrs. Collins to be lying quietly against
the pillows, returned to her sweet, seventy-­year-­old self,
eternally grateful that I saved her soul.
Unfortunately, that is not what I see.
Mrs. Collins is still halfway in the air, twisting violently,
her body being wrung out like a mop by some invisible force.
Her tongue is swollen and hanging out of her mouth like a

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thick black eel, and her eyes . . . ​well, ­t hey’ve rolled com-
pletely back into her head.
So not only did the exorcism not work, but it seems to
have agitated her even more.
Huh. Maybe I ­wasn’t speaking loud enough. Or maybe if U
­ ncle
Roy just let me do this without butting in—­
­There’s a splintering sound as Mrs.  Collins suddenly
yanks her arm back. Fortunately, it’s just a piece of the head-
board breaking and not her ­actual bones. She rolls onto her
side, one of her hands now ­f ree, and tries to work the other
handcuff off, so I begin the incantation again. But before I
can even get the first few words out, ­Uncle Roy elbows me
out of the way and stalks ­toward the bed, his black robe flap-
ping ­behind him like a crow’s wings.
“Deus, audi oratiónem meam; áuribus pércipe verba oris mei,”
he bellows. “Nam supérbi insurréxerunt contra me, et violénti
quæsierunt vitam meam.”
My jaw drops. I ­can’t believe he’s taking over. Again. I’ve
been training three times a week for the past five months and
he’s still never let me finish an exorcism on my own.
Such a control freak.
With a huff, I collapse into an overstuffed floral armchair
near the win­dow. The lacy curtains are pulled shut so the
neighbors ­won’t see Mrs. Collins hovering over her bed like
a UFO.

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­Uncle Roy continues the incantation, his voice strong
and sure—­t he same way it sounds at the pulpit e­ very Sunday.
The kind of voice that even demons listen to.
What­ever. Who cares if I’m good at this or not? I’m not
even sure I want to be an exorcist. He’s the one pushing me
to do it, insisting that I have a gift.
Some gift.
“Nam ex omni tribulatióne eripuit me, et inimícos meos con-
fúsos vidit óculos meus.”
Mrs. Collins is still struggling to f­ ree herself, desperately
chewing at her wrist like a wolf trying to escape a steel trap.
As U
­ ncle Roy reaches the end of the incantation, a blast of
hot air c­ auses his white hair to blow back—­a definite sign
that the demon is being wrenched out of Mrs. Collins. Sure
enough, a few seconds l­ater, she drops back down onto the
bed, completely limp.
­Uncle Roy ­doesn’t lower his crucifix right away. Demons
can be tricky. Sometimes they pretend ­they’ve gone and
then, once your defenses are down, they attack. Just to make
sure, he uncorks a small silver flask and sprinkles some
holy ­water on her. It d
­ oesn’t burn her skin—­another good
sign.
Mrs. Collins moans. Her eyes flutter open, and I can see
that ­t hey’ve returned to their usual blue color. She stares at
us, confused. The possessed generally have no recollection

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of what happened to them, and considering how most ­people
behave while possessed, this is indeed a blessing.
­Uncle Roy takes her hand—­t he one not handcuffed to
the headboard—­a nd ­gently strokes it. “It’s all right, Rose.
Just relax. ­You’re g
­ oing to be okay.”
My irritation at him starts to fade a ­little; he has a very
good bedside manner. That’s one more ­t hing, according to
him, that I need to work on.
I get up and walk over to the bed. I pull Mrs. Collins’s
nightgown down over her legs and then unlock the handcuff
holding her wrist. Her poor skin is raw from where she
chewed at it. Good t­ hing she d
­ idn’t have her teeth in.
While U
­ ncle Roy continues to comfort Mrs. Collins, I
open the door and let her husband into the room. He’s been
pacing the hall for the past twenty minutes. U
­ ncle Roy
­doesn’t like ­family members to be pres­ent during an exor-
cism. They have a tendency to freak out when they see steam
coming out of their loved one’s ears.
Mr.  Collins looks at me, his brown eyes hopeful. “Is
she . . . ?”
I nod. “The demon’s gone. S
­ he’ll be fine.”
His wrinkled old face crumples in relief. He rushes past
me and kneels in front of U
­ ncle Roy. He takes U
­ ncle Roy’s
hand and kisses his gold signet ring as if ­Uncle Roy is the
Godfather or something.

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“Thank you, ­Father,” Mr. Collins croaks.
­Uncle Roy pats his shoulder. “Best to just let her rest
to­night, Abe. I’ll call you tomorrow to see how she’s d
­ oing.”
He drops his silver flask into the black leather doctor’s bag he
uses to store his supplies and gestures for me to follow him.
We walk down the plastic runner path the Collinses have
laid over their carpet and out the front door. As we climb into
­Uncle Roy’s ancient green hatchback, I glance at the l­ittle
brick h
­ ouse. From the outside, you’d never guess anything
weird ever happened in t­ here.
But then again, looks can be deceiving. I’m certainly
proof of that.

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C hapter

SPENCER CALLAGHAN rocks the hell out of a Catholic


school uniform.
He’s taken off his navy blazer and loosened his tie—­t he
first t­ hing he does as soon as the bell rings. His white shirt
is still neatly tucked into the waistband of his gray flannel
pants. The cuffs of his white dress shirt are turned up, reveal-
ing the antique silver watch he always wears with the face
turned to the inside of his wrist.

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“Hey,” he says, watching me approach. He’s leaning back
in his chair, twirling a pencil in his fin­gers. His dark hair is
rumpled and curling over his ears, longer than St. Joseph’s
High School would like it to be. It’s this ­little assertion of
in­de­pen­dence—­his refusal to conform by keeping his hair
clipped ­really short—­t hat first won me over.
“Hey.” I drop into the seat beside him. This corner of the
library, our usual meeting spot, is quiet and overlooks the
school courtyard. Students are already starting to scatter,
and in a ­matter of minutes, the courtyard ­will empty out. As
soon as the bell rings, all anyone wants is to get as far away
from the school as fast as pos­si­ble, but this has become my
favorite time of day, ­because it means I get alone time with
Spencer.
“You want to start with geometry?” he says, leaning for-
ward to open his textbook.
I wrinkle my nose. “Ugh. I hate geometry.” I let my guid-
ance counselor talk me into taking it ­after he quizzed me
about my college plans and I mentioned I was interested
in architecture. Unfortunately, architecture turned out to
be only a passing interest, and now I’m stuck with this
impossibly hard course.
“You may have mentioned that several hundred times,”
Spencer says.
“That’s ­because I c­ an’t stress it enough.”

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He smiles and lightly taps the back of my hand with his
pencil. He’s not even touching me directly, and yet a thrill
still runs all the way through me. “And that’s why we should
tackle it first,” he says. “Eat the frog.”
“Um . . . ​what?”
“It’s an expression.” He starts twirling his pencil again.
“Mark Twain. Put the worst task ­behind you, and then you
can get on with the rest of your day.”
Where does he get this stuff?
“Well, it’s definitely the worst task,” I say, pulling my text-
book out of my bag, careful not to let him see the big silver
crucifix and bejeweled spray b
­ ottle of holy w
­ ater that I have
stashed inside. B
­ ecause he would definitely have questions.
Spencer and I have been study buddies for the past few
months, ever since shortly a­ fter he arrived at St. Joseph’s, but
I still ­don’t feel like I know him all that well. He’s pretty tight
with details about his personal life. Then again, I ­don’t share
much about my life—­it’s not like I’m ­going to tell him I’m
an exorcist. It’s not exactly something I brag about. Even my
best friend, Vanessa, ­doesn’t know about my extracurricular
activity.
­Here’s the t­ hing: I go to a Catholic school. Most of the
kids at St. Joseph’s believe in heaven and hell, in God and
Satan. If they found out that I have direct experience with
evil spirits, they would prob­ably publicly shun me. And while

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Id
­ on’t have many friends, I want to hang on to the ones I do
have. Even if that means not ever letting them know who I
­really am.
We work silently, the only sound Spencer’s pencil scratch-
ing across his paper.
“Hey, what’d you get for the first question?” I ask him a
few minutes l­ater, casually trying to sneak a glance at his
homework.
He places his palm over his paper to hide the answer from
me, but not before I see that he’s already almost finished the
entire page. He narrows his eyes. “First, tell me what you got.”
“­You’re supposed to be helping me.”
“Helping you study, not helping you cheat,” he says.
“Cheating is pretty much the only way I’m g
­ oing to pass
this course.” I put my head down on the t­able. I’m debating
­whether to just give up and gracefully accept that I’m destined
to fail when Spencer does something totally unexpected; he
reaches over and strokes my hair, light as a butterfly.
My breath catches. I ­don’t want to move in case he stops.
But I hear him shuffle his papers, and when I sit up, Spencer’s
eyes are already back on his homework. He’s diligently
focused on the last question, like what­ever just happened
­didn’t happen at all. He’s so stone-­faced that I begin to ques-
tion w
­ hether I even felt anything, or if I just want him to
make a move so bad that I’m imagining t­ hings.

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I turn back to my own homework, wondering if I’ll ever
unravel the mystery that is Spencer Callaghan.

Ever since my mom left, I’ve been in charge of the grocery


shopping in our house—­a task that ­Uncle Roy has tried to
take back several times in the past five months, ­because he
­isn’t thrilled with what I bring home: heavy on the fruits and
vegetables, very l­ittle sugar, zero foods that contain ingre-
dients that ­aren’t found in nature. What he ­doesn’t seem to
understand is that he’s the reason I buy that stuff in the first
place. The fact is, he’s old, and I’m determined to keep him
healthy. Pumping him full of kale smoothies and quinoa ­will
hopefully help him live to be a hundred.
I’m not nearly as strict with my own diet. I have dinner
at Vanessa’s ­house at least twice a week, where I eat my fill
of meatloaf and mashed potatoes drowning in butter or tuna
casserole with saltine crackers crumbled on top.
“Shelby, honey, grab me some oregano, would you?”
Mrs. O’Malley says as I walk in the back door. She’s stand-
ing in front of the stove, stirring a huge pot of red sauce, a
tea towel featuring a cartoon lobster hanging over one shoul-
der. The kitchen is as steamy as a sauna and smells like gar-
lic and tomatoes.
I root through the spice rack for the oregano and pass it

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to her. Mrs. O’Malley twists off the cap and turns the glass
­bottle over, sending a shower of dried green flakes into the
sauce.
“Before you run off . . .” she begins, setting the ­bottle on
the ­counter. Her glasses are all steamed up. When she slips
them off and wipes the lenses on the tea towel, I notice the
bags under­neath her eyes. I guess that’s to be expected when
you have four kids. “How are ­t hings ­going? Are you ­doing
okay?”
What she’s ­really asking is how I’m ­doing without my
mom. I’ve told every­one that she’s on an extended trip to
Italy to visit relatives. It’s not like I can tell them the truth:
that my mom’s actually training at some supersecret exorcism
school in Rome. It w
­ ouldn’t be so bad if s­he’d at least said
good-­bye. We’d had a big fight, so I’d told her that I was
sleeping at Vanessa’s. When I got home the next morning, she
was gone. She d
­ idn’t even tell me she was leaving. She let
­Uncle Roy break the news to me. Thinking about it now,
hurt rushes through me.
I can tell from the way Mrs. O’Malley’s mouth turns
down whenever she mentions my ­mother that she thinks
she’s awful for leaving me. I c­ an’t imagine what s­ he’d say if
she knew that I h
­ aven’t heard from her since she left.
Not a phone call, not an e-­mail.
Nothing.

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She’s still angry with me, and I c­ an’t exactly blame her. I
said some awful t­ hings—­t hings I d
­ idn’t mean—­a nd even
though U
­ ncle Roy claims that the reason we h
­ aven’t heard
from her is b
­ ecause the school discourages outside contact,
I know the truth.
“I’m all right.” I think I sound pretty convincing ­until
Mrs. O’Malley leans over and gives me a hug. She’s like an
octopus, squeezing me so hard that I have trou­ble breath-
ing, but I let her do it. I maybe even hug her back.
“I’m sure Robin ­w ill be back soon,” she says when she
fi­nally releases me. She d
­ oesn’t sound confident, though, and
it occurs to me that maybe Mrs. O’Malley ­doesn’t think my
mom is ever coming back. In my darkest moments, the
thought has crossed my mind, but I just c­ an’t believe that my
mom would actually abandon me forever, no m
­ atter how mad
she is at me.
I nod.
“You need anything, you just let me know, okay?” Mrs.
O’Malley says.
“Thanks.”
I’m halfway up the stairs when I hear Vanessa and her
­sister fighting. Before I reach the door, Izzy comes streak-
ing out of their room, her face contorted with fury. She darts
past me on the stairs, hollering for her m
­ other.
“We have about thirty seconds before Hurricane Sharon

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comes storming up ­here,” Vanessa says. She’s sitting on her
bed, calmly flipping through a copy of Teen Vogue with an
“Isabelle” label tacked on the front cover.
“So? How’d it go with Spencer?” She rolls up the maga-
zine and holds it up to her eye like a telescope, pretending
to focus so she can see me better.
“You know Iz is g
­ oing to kill you when she sees what
­you’ve done to her magazine,” I say.
“Maybe it w
­ ill teach her to stay out of my closet.” Vanessa
unspools the magazine. The pages are curled beyond repair.
She tosses it onto Izzy’s bed and lies back against her pillow,
her dark hair wild around her head. “Having to share a room
with an uptight thirteen-­year-­old is my own personal hell.”
She sighs. “Now stop trying to change the subject. Spencer.
Details.”
I sit down at the end of her bed. I think about telling her
how he stroked my hair so we can analyze what it means, but
I already know that Vanessa ­w ill proclaim it’s a sign that he
likes me. I ­don’t want my heart to be convinced that it’s true
when he might not have meant anything by it.
“Nothing to report.”
She shakes her head. “Just make a move already. Quit
being such a chicken,” she says, nudging me with her foot.
Chicken? She w
­ ouldn’t say that if she could see me facing
down a demon. Of course, she ­doesn’t know that I’m an

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exorcist. Although, I’m sure that at some point ­she’ll put two
and two together. S
­ he’ll remember the time she caught me
filling up my flask with holy w
­ ater from the fancy marble
fountain in the church. Or when she noticed the weird burn
marks on my leg—an injury from a particularly grueling
exorcism. And once she discovers the truth . . . ​I ­don’t
know. I’d like to believe that Vanessa would still be my
friend, but ­people can get weird about ­things like casting
out demons. Even best friends.
“Vanessa!” Mrs. O’Malley bellows from the bottom of
the stairs. “Get down ­here. Right. Now.”
Vanessa makes a face. “Only one more year ­until I’m up
for parole,” she says, getting off the bed. “I swear, my main
criterion for college is that it’s in another state.”
She stomps out of the room. Vanessa may think that being
away from her f­amily is the key to freedom, but she only has
to look in my direction to know that freedom’s not all it’s
cracked up to be. Even though I’m pretty good at covering it
up, I miss my mom so much, it’s a physical ache. It’s a feeling
that’s always with me, as strong and solid as my heartbeat.
Nothing ­will feel right u
­ ntil she’s back and I can apologize.
And the worst part is that I have no clue when that ­will be.

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