An Eight hours travel to see the world behind me..

I dont know the reason why I was made to stand in the situation of wavering mind, I think its just
because Im missing each and every moment with my lovable ones.. My dad, Mom and my Sister..
A cute and warm hug from my mom which will take me to the days which I spent in my moms womb..

I experienced it daily when I was in Chennai. But now its time to dream about the past. The only
reason behind this would be, an 8hrs travel to see the world behind me. And that was the only option
which I got it in the name of TRANSFER (A narrow and strep Hairpin Bend in my life).
The word transfer is the one which I love the most and hate the most. I think no other word will follow
this or overcome this in my life time. Let me share my feelings to you so that, you can travel a long way
with me to know the difficult path and a smooth path which I experienced in this 12 months period.
I really hate reading books, unwillingly, just to kill my time I stated reading a book called The 3 mistakes
of my life a book by chetan Bhagat, a guy sending a mail to Chetan Bhagat starting like Sorry to
bother you with this. But I felt like I had to tell someone. You have ways to
improve as an author but you do write decent bookS. He is not Chetan Bhagats friend
but he decided to write a mail to him before he leaves the world. Suicide was the option which he took.
Here Im free to steal two lines from the book which I read, that matching my case Sorry to bother you
with this. But I felt like I had to tell someone.. I THINK YOU ARE THE BETTER ONE later you will know
reason why I mentioned you as MY special one.
The word suicide which was in the book made my mind to run backward i.e. my past where I found
many questions were lending hands and waiting in a queue without an answer. And now I am ready to
give them a good answer with an example. Because this 12 months of loneliness thought me some good
lessons. One is experience to overcome suicide and the second one is courage of face the world.
The first question, what make people to feel like ending up in suicide?
There can be a variety of situation but, I have come across some worst case in my life.

I got transfer to Coimbatore and decided to stay in my relatives home just to support them financially
and help my brother and sister in studies. I was in a clear mindset that I should take care of them as my
parents. As days pass by I noticed that they gave too much care so that they can use me well. The care
which they gave was very artificial that anyone can easily find out as it was a selfish act. I dont have any
rights to say that they are selfish but the way they treated me made me to stand alone and conclude
with this statement.
The day when I realized that I was left alone without true care is the day when I wrote my first poem on
missing my dad. Here it is..

Un tholil saaya ninaithen adhu yeno theriya villai

Mullil saaikka patten thanimaiyal,
Un madiyil saaya ninaithen adhu yeno theriya villai
Kaneeril moozhgi nanaindhen thanimaiyal,
Unnidam thanimaiyil pesa ninaithen, en thanimayin vaarthaigal sonnadhu,
Naanum oomai endru
Un kaiyai pidithu nadandha naatkal kuraivu endralum
Un nizhalai pinthodarndhu varugiren,
Unnai kai pidipen endra nambikkaiyodu..!!
Indha nambikkaiyodu serthu, krithika ku (krithigai viradham)
Irrukka vendum ena thondriyadhu..
Aanal avalin maatram enakku oru pudhu nambikkaiyai kuduthadhu..!!!
I thought of reading it to my dad in a call but I got a nice idea of posting it to my dad that would be even
more touching and that can explain my loneliness to them. I gave the letter to my friend to post it
Chennai. Letter was successfully posted and that was not known to the elders at the home where I was
staying.
That is because they use to note all my activities with a doubtful move. Every day started with a horrible
words and terrible works, which I could not able to tolerate for long days. They used to check my calls
with a doubt that I might have called to any boys. But the truth is I would have called to my parents or to
my well-wishers to share my words on the day which I spent. Even at that time they come and stand
next to me and listen to the words that Im speaking. And if I fail to do some work at home that may end
up in punishments again with the harsh words. This would be an acute level of example which I felt and

others I could not able to explain in words that was the highest level of doubted question that any of the
girls should not hear it from the person those she think as her parents.
One day they asked me to cook for the whole day because they need some rest. I promised that I would
do it on coming Saturday (3 days later from the day when I gave promise), they agreed. The next day I
got a call from my mom that my uncle who is suffering from stomach cancer is struggling a lot to survive
and he was asking me to be there to his place by that weekend. I asked permission to go to Salem, they
were scolding me not to go just because they have planned to take rest and make me work that whole
day. And they asked me to leave once for all if I have decided to leave to Salem that weekend and made
me stand outside they dint even think of my situation where will I go at that night after 9PM if they
asked me to get out of the home. I was standing alone in the dark road where none of my brother or
sister came to support me. I very well know that they will not come because they will not get food if
they crossed my aunts command. But I had little expectations on them that they can come near me and
say dont worry and run out of that place before my aunt see them, again it was a dream. In that
situation I just want a shoulder to lean on to cry, I found a pillar near and I hugged it and cried for long
time thinking that Im hugging my mom. I decided not to tell my mom and dad about this situation
because they will feel guilty on what they did (forcing me to stay in my aunts home just to help them
financially and a moral support to them). I dont want to push them into sleepless night and worried
mind. I decided inform to them next day morning after going to office and stayed still.
It was 10.30PM that night no one returned to see what Im doing. It was very cold outside and I want
some place to sit down and I found nothing. Little bit scared because of dark and much worried on my
loneliness. Just want to speak out to someone and relax my mind. I got a call from my dad and I was in
tough situation whether I need to take up the call or just leave it because they may find out my shivering
voice on cold. Finally I spoke and I cant control my tears when I heard my dads voice. He was much
tensed on hearing the situation and planned to start from Chennai that night to see me and make me
shift to the hostel. I stopped him and said not to come and I can handle the situation, finally he called
aunt to scold her for making me stand outside and fighting for a simple reason. Again I got scolding from
my aunt with the words which should not be spoken to the teen girls and commanded me to get inside
the home. This made me to get frustrated to the core and that made me feel like ending up without
thinking of anyone else. The hard part is I dint think of my parents too. . Planned to wait for a suitable
situation and had a hope that may arrive soon.
The second question, what thoughts would make people not to pursue with the decision they make
(Suicide) and stay there along with the confusions?
The continuous thought of ending up in suicide may lead to sudden decision in suitable situation, but in
my case I got full night to think of my situation and how I was born and bought up and that made me to
stay with confusion. I am the first gift to my parents for their true love.
I had two positive and 1 negative questions in my mind which made me to stand in the path of
confusion.
Why should I leave the world without fulfilling my lovable parents dream?

Why should I bother the selfish person and leave my parents alone with the guilt feeling drowned in
them?
And finally, why should I live after hearing the horrible false words?
On the whole I had sleepless confused nights and started to my office. I used to share all my feelings to
my friend Deepika, who is my team mate. Its her fate listening to my worries every day when she
already had her own worries though I didnt get a shoulder to cry on, I got ears to listen to me.
Planned to spend time at office because I dont want to enter the jail soon (Home). I was unable to
concentrate on my work with the hard feelings. Got many calls from my parents and asked about my
updates. I replied them that all is going good and asked to stay without tension. Used to cut the call and
rush up to rest room to have an endless cry. After thinking a lot about that problem with my work inbetween, dont know what I have sent in my status mail with hanging conclusions which cannot be
understood by any other person other than the people involved sending it, thats only me.
I was called by my teammate selva, with his much disappointed tone, I was asked to explain what I have
sent as a status. Oh my god..!! I had only blank mind not able to explain anything out of it. Instead of
giving him an answer I thought what would have happened if I had left for the day which would make
him stand with much confusions and loaded with even more responsibilities in which he already loaded
tones. I dont want him to stand in that situation. Tears rolled on from my eyes on seeing what I did and
I felt very bad that my personal feelings had impacted much on my official work. I hate that situation
badly.
I moved out from the place and started to compose a clear status mail. He came back to my place and
said a word Krishna, dont take it to your heart, I was not a clear status thats why I was little confused
I still remember the tone of his voice saying the same. Again I started explaining that I had made a
mess out because I had some trouble at my home. And I was clear that I should not say the whole story
to him just because he doesnt have any fate on listening to my worthless stories in that situation. I
controlled my tears and said its ok I will look into it and send the clear status.
What make a person to come completely out of the decision that the take? And what gives them
HOPE to live?
I was not in a normal situation till I sent my status mail. Finally the status was sent with the relevant
details in it. Left office with the Hopeless Mine thought. I entered the same hell and found the
problem still on hold. They asked me about my weekend plan. I was confused what to say and I dont
want my parents to again have a sleepless night.
I informed that Im not leaving to Salem. Just because I dont want to I saw them relaxing that they can
be at rest on Saturday and Sunday. Hmm I deadly want to see my uncle but I cant do anything favor to
him when Im with this selfish giants.