Dear Zoë Kravitz and Robert Pattinson: Stop Making America Horny
Dear Zoë Kravitz and Robert Pattinson,
We are the co-hosts of Don’t Let This Flop, a podcast about internet culture sponsored by Rolling Stone. It is, for the most part, a silly little show where we talk about things like Hilary Duff’s dancing and men who eat sandwiches shirtless and whether or not we would join Scientology if John Travolta were still hot. Yet your recent outrageous behavior on the press tour for The Batman has compelled us to speak out against a grave injustice.
You both have to stop pretending you guys are having sex with each other in interviews. It’s too much. You are both simply too hot and charming, and the combination thereof, as exemplified by your interactions on the The Batman press junket tour, is driving people out of their minds with horniness.
Consider, for instance, this interview in which BuzzFeed quizzes you on how well you know your co-star, leading to the revelation that Robert has secretly used her bathroom on at least one occasion, revealing her preference for “little candles,” prompting Zoë to emit one of the top 5 most delightful giggles in human history:
Or this Entertainment Weekly photo shoot in which they both look at each other as if they are on mushrooms and have just heard the last few minutes of Abbey Road for the first time:
@filmthusiastofficial Robert Pattinson & Zoë Kravitz 🥵🔥 #robertpattinson #zoekravitz #fyp
Or this clip from the same interview when Zoë discusses Robert sweating on her during a pivotal scene but doesn’t seem all that mad about it:
@entertainment_weekly #ZoeKravitz and #RobertPattinson had to get up close and sweaty while filming #TheBatman 🤣 #FilmTok #Twilight
Now, we are savvy consumers of entertainment media. We know it is not that unusual for co-stars plugging a project to have gotten close on-set and to display — dare I say, play up — their chemistry during promotional interviews. Consider, for instance, the infamous GIF of Oscar Isaac kissing Jessica Chastain’s arm while on the red carpet for the (frankly, pretty boring) HBO miniseries Scenes from a Marriage, or the steamy duet between A Star Is Born costars Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga during the 2019 Oscars. Both moments went wildly viral, because people desperately need to go to horny jail and love nothing more than to harbor feverish fantasies of celebrities boinking on set, and celebrities know that.
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But this behavior, Robert Pattinson and Zoë Kravitz, is a bridge too far. For starters, as many fans have griped on the internet, there’s shockingly little sex in The Batman, so those who wish to see even fictional horizontal tangoing betwitxt the two of you will be sorely disappointed. For another, both of you are dating other people, specifically Suki Waterhouse and Channing Tatum, thereby nipping any fantasies of on-set assignations squarely in the bud.
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Which is why we and the TikTok community are imploring you, Robert Pattinson and Zoë Kravitz: please stop being so hot and charming on this press tour, if only for a few minutes. As people who are considerably less charismatic than either of you, we have a few tips. Robert could, for instance, recount a lengthy story about trying to freeze off a wart on his toe, only to grow frustrated and try to rip it off with tweezers; or Zoë could regale the interviewer with her SAT scores and how she could’ve gotten into Dartmouth were it not for the writing portion. You could talk about cryptocurrency. You could describe where you were on 9/11. I, for one, once ruined a perfectly pleasant social interaction by telling the person about my belief that washing your hands after peeing is a scam, because urine is sterile. (I was 19, and heavily inebriated.) There are plenty of ways you could make yourselves less hot and interesting. Please do so as soon as possible. The collective horniness of your fan base will thank you for it. And if you need any further tips, feel free to tune into Don’t Let This Flop, released Wednesdays on all audio streaming platforms, including Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, Stitcher and more.
Signed,
Ej Dickson and Brittany Spanos