Are Your Stated Boundaries a Cover For Insecurity?

I was raised in an era when there was no such thing as boundary setting at work or in business. 

We were taught by parents and mentors that we were lucky to have a job and to become indispensible (I talk about this more in my previous article, The Cultural Perpetuation of Burnout). We weren’t taught to say no, worry about scope creep or over committing. You just said yes and did whatever it took to survive - to keep your job and climb to the top.

The problem with that mentality is that it led to a lot of burnout, dissatisfaction and unhappiness for entire generations. And while many did get ahead this way, the damage was done children, relationships and personal self-worth. 

The good news is that over the last several decades, we’ve begun to recognize the importance of self-care, mindfulness and minsdet as essential for growth and success. There are dozens of apps designed to reduce stress, coaches like me who work on mindset like burnout and overwhelm and a general attitude that stress is just not good for anyone.

We’ve even learned that saying no can be a good thing and boundary setting is essential for really owning your own value and worth.

But, as you likely sensed from the title of this article, not all boundaries are actually healthy. In some instances, boundaries have become the tool of the entrepreneur and corporate employee to hide insecurity and shirk real responsibility.

Now, I recognize this statement may not make me popular, but when setting boundaries for yourself, it’s important to recognize the energy around your boundaries because boundaries can be life-saving. 

I know they were for me.

Boundaries helped me put an end to the overwhelm, overcommitment loop I was stuck in for years. They also helped me define more clearly what was and wasn’t acceptable and ultimately embrace no without guilt or explanation. 

Still not all boundaries are equal. And what I’ve noticed is a weaponization of boundaries in service businesses where we have sometimes forgotten that we are actually in the business of serving.

It’s fully acceptable to set hours at work, go home and be with family, go on vacation without checking in with work, and saying no to things that are outside the scope of our contracts and employment. 

None of that is what I’m talking about.

Instead, I’m talking about popular topics like quiet quitting where we don’t talk about what’s really happening for us in our work environment. I’m also talking about not meeting the needs of a client and then alleging scope creep when a client demands the product they were promised. Or ultimately, believing that any statement or demand made by one means automatic and utter compliance by another. 

I personally experienced a version of this last one when an individual who was allegedly apologizing for a past action demanded I accept and acknowledge their apology. And while that may not seem like a boundary issue at first - the reality is that for them, it was a request and a statement of need.

The truth is that expressing our needs or wants doesn’t obligate anyone. When it comes down to it, boundaries are really about ourselves. It’s the way we keep ourselves in - not how we control others.

Too often boundaries are being confused with ultimatums, demands and putting up walls. And that can be the reason so many are turned off by boundaries - because the energy around them is self-righteous and negative.

But boundaries - healthy boundaries - are really all about freedom.

So, what gives?

It can be tempting to blame people’s attitudes or simply say that boundaries don’t work, but the reality is that whenever I see trends like this - it’s an invitation to look a little deeper.

You see, in order to set and maintain healthy boundaries we have to cut through a bunch of weird noise in our head. Noise that might say things like the following:

• People are out to get me.
• I’m not good enough.
• I can’t ask for what I want.
• Others come first.
• It’s selfish to ask for what I want.
• I’m never going to get what I want.
• People are unreasonable.
• They’re asking too much of me.
• I shouldn’t have to do this.

All of this noise can drive us to set boundaries as a defense and in an effort to try avoid what is really underneath it all, no real sense of self-worth.

In order to set healthy boundaries, you need to know you are innately worthy without having to do anything to prove it, defend it or show it. 

The reason that boundaries get so screwed up is that we’re always battling the internal demon inside that says we’re not enough - the one that makes everyone else wrong, that demands to be heard and wants to control others. It’s not that you’re bad. It’s just that you don’t believe enough in yourself.

When you claim your self-worth, something magical happens. . . . you discover the only person you really need to have boundaries is with yourself. Certainly there are things you won’t accept from others that become non-negotiables, but the need to demand or cajole disappears.

You quickly learn that if you’re clean with yourself, you can simply state your needs. And if they aren’t met, you know exactly what to do. It isn’t incumbent on anyone else to do anything. 

It also allows you to show up and be of service to others in a way that is affirming and self-supporting. At this point in my life, I am so clear on my boundaries that I know what I’m willing to do and not do.

I also know when I’m willing to side-step them for a purpose and without resentment. Holding absolutes in either the camp of no boundary setting or extreme boundary setting doesn’t really allow for choice or your worth to be expressed. 

So, how do you know where your own boundary setting is coming from?

One of the best ways to look at your boundaries is the energy that surrounds them. When your boundaries are healthy, they come from a place of clarity and do not typically hold a lot of negativity around them.

When you’re first learning to set healthy boundaries, it’s normal to be a bit nervous or scared. But, when you start to feel uncomfortable, angry or even wanting to demand something from others, it’s a good time to check in with yourself.

—-> Ask where am I not feeling worthy of what I want? Where do I need to support myself better or engage in better self-care? 

You can also check in with your fears. If you’re feeling afraid to set a fear, just notice what you’re really afraid of. Chances are that list of noise I listed above will be the culprit. Reminding yourself that your fears are not reality can be a good way of bypassing the noise and really checking back in with what you’re hoping to accomplish with setting a boundary.

Healthy boundaries are really more about the things we will and won’t accept. The things we will and won’t do. When you are in the business of serving others, it’s important to be clear and really learn from your boundaries. Sometimes we set boundaries based on what others are doing or not doing in our own industry - and in reality that may not work for you. It may not even work in every instance.

The key is to be clear on the things that are non-negotiables for you.

If you haven’t ever written out your non-negotiables, this is place you can start. Do this for your work/business, relationships, your health, your finances, your friendships and even your environment. Doing so will help you get a clearer picture of what you want. It will also help you know how much your self-worth might be driving your action or inaction in certain areas. 

Try this out today. 

----> What are my top non-negotiables for my life and work/business?

And then really engage in a conversation with yourself around the boundaries you’re ready to set and experiment. The truth is learning to set boundaries is a journey and the more you can play, experiment and learn (from both good and bad experiences), the better you’ll get.

Linda

P.S. Looking to develop a greater sense of self-worth? Join me for the next Higher Ground: The Roundtable on March 16th where we will be discussing Claiming Your Worth And Expressing Your Value. Joining me this month will be Jude Charles, Nancy Levin & Beth McCormack. Registration is free, but you must reserve your seat for this live only event using this link. 

P.P.S. Nancy Levin is also the author of the books Worthy and Setting Boundaries. 

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About the Author, Linda Perry:  Linda a success strategist, speaker and recovering attorney who has helped hundreds of people crack their own success code and find greater freedom, make more money and find balance.

She spent 17 years as a federal criminal defense attorney in Chicago, and left only to to pursue her passion in coaching and business strategy after witnessing how much it impacted her life and helped her redefine success. 

With certifications from the esteemed Ford Institute, established by best selling author and teacher Debbie Ford, and from the Levin Life Coach Academy, where she is the lead business instructor guiding life coaches how to build a profitable life coach business -  Linda works with entrepreneurs, small business owners, attorneys, other professional service providers and creative entrepreneurs to help them build the business they truly love.

She is the host of the Mindset First Podcast and regularly is a guest speaker on a variety of podcasts and stages focused on using mindset tools to get further. 

She recently moved with her husband and dog to Lisbon, Portugal.