Why do we eat our own?

Well, in some ways, it’s because we are our own worst enemies. One reason women choose other women as targets “is probably some idea that they can find a less confrontational person or someone less likely to respond to aggression with aggression,” said Gary Namie, Research Director for the Workplace Bullying Institute.

My thoughts on this are that women are being mean to other women due to insecurity and jealousy. I have been a target of this mean behavior. I have always prided myself on being approachable, helpful, knowledgeable and confident. So, when the attacks started (shortly after an acquisition of a new company), I could not quite figure out what I was doing wrong. I was truly baffled. I had worked cohesively with my team for many years and suddenly the newcomers were different. They were mean, petty and didn’t understand the business. They were unwilling to listen or engage in conversation. They would talk about my outfits and shoes (REALLY? come up with something real leave my appearance out of it). I guess they couldn’t challenge my knowledge and had to find something to talk about that would make them feel good. 

They even pretended that I was the aggressor they went to my supervisor, the CHRO, and told him I was being mean. I asked. "What was the complaint? He said, I had used abusive language in a meeting. I asked, "What did I say that was offensive?" He said is used the word "Stupid". I asked, "Did I call someone stupid?" No, he said that I had said someone's idea was stupid. I responded well it probably was a stupid idea. I also told him if the person disagreed with me then they should have confronted me directly in the meeting not run behind my back to tell on me.  (SMH)

I recently opened up about these experiences to a few other professional women. I discovered that they have had similar experiences. It even kept a few of them from getting a new job because of this female-to-female aggression. I am so happy that I am now working for a wonderful company that has supportive, strong, knowledgeable and confident women that help each other.

According to research, one of the major reasons we don’t see women being promoted is because women at higher levels don’t help other women get ahead. Women at the top experience something called “value threat,” which causes them to not want to help other women.

Seriously what is wrong with us?? Why can’t we as women raise each other up and not tear each other down?!

Michelle Duguid, PhD, Assistant Professor of Organizational Behavior at Olin Business School and author of Female Tokens in High-Prestige Work Groups: Catalysts or Inhibitors of Group Diversification?, identifies two forms of value threat she thinks affect the behavior of women in high-status work groups in the context of promotion and selection — competitive threat and collective threat.

“Competitive threat is the fear that a highly qualified female candidate might be more qualified, competent or accepted than you are,” Duguid writes. “Women also might be concerned about bringing in another woman with lower qualifications, who could reinforce negative stereotypes about women and impact others’ impressions of them. This is collective threat.”

We can counteract this “threat” by reaching out to one another, coaching, supporting, backing up ideas and speaking positively about one another. Backstabbing and negative talk only makes you look bad!

Women are not raised to be confrontational. We are supposed to be the nurturing peacemakers. One of my favorite books is Odd Girl Out. I have attended multiple seminars by the author, Rachel Simmons. She is brilliant and helped me understand the dynamics of mean girls, where it starts and why. It starts at home with how we raise our daughters. Additionally, I participated in several leadership seminars run by another fabulous woman, Lindy. She has a practice in Reston, Virginia that guides teams to work together, develop tools to communicate and understand how to effectively run a business in an empathetic and sensitive way that does not come across was weak.  I now have the tools to understand my baggage and how to stow it to ensure I make wise choices and don’t become the mean girl!

If you want to see women in leadership roles remember, it starts with you! Be kind, be helpful, be encouraging and be supportive of other women. Your turn could be next!