WHEN A LEADER 'VOMITS' ON THE TEAM, MUST THE TEAM JUST SUCK IT UP?

Early Morning Revelations: A Nasty Wake-Up Call

Me: [6 am] "Wake up, boys, time to get up!"

Son 1: "Agh! Someone vomited on my bed!"

Me: "...What do you mean someone?? ...Are you feeling sick? Did you get sick during the night?"

Son 1: "No!!"

Me: " Ummm... Son 2? Did you vomit in your brother's bed?"

Son 2: "No... I vomited in my bed."

Me: "....Well then ... obviously it’s your vomit in your brother's bed! Come on, bud! Think!"

Son 2: [confused] "What? ...What do you mean?"

Me: [exasperated] "You sleep on the top bunk, boy! His bed is under yours....!!!!"

🤯

This is a transcript of the early morning dialogue I started my day with last Wednesday.

The Downstream Impact: Children

Have you ever had this kind of moment with your kids? I’m sure you have. Sometimes there is a complete lack of awareness that their own actions have had a negative impact on someone else, usually a sibling.

With children you sort of expect it. After all, their frontal lobes haven't finished completely developing; sometimes there are some logical steps missing in their thinking.

But what about when it happens with colleagues? Most pertinently, when it happens with a leader (not the actual vomit part, going forward that will just be a metaphor for the impact we have on others, I will put it in ‘quotes’ from here to help you track, it's a pleasure 😉).

The Downstream Impact: Colleagues

Have you had an experience with a more senior colleague where the cause-and-effect result of their negative or immature actions is so clear to see on people below them in the organisation?

We usually don't have bunk beds at the office, or even double-decker desks, in the literal sense, at least not in the actual furniture. But we do have them metaphorically. One person's 'desk' is above another's. When someone's place in the pecking order is higher up than another's, the repercussions of the 'higher-up's' actions ‘drip’ onto someone else, or onto their metaphorical ‘bed,’ – their zone of responsibility, their 'desk' to use a professional term.

Most often it doesn’t even become a conversation that that 'higher-up' is privy to. Precious few employees are adequately equipped with the EQ skills to engage assertively with each other (let alone with their bosses) in constructive ways when this kind of situation arises. People often mistake 'being professional' with not speaking up in healthy and assertive ways, when appropriate. But it's not as if communication doesn't still happen, usually passive-aggressively instead – it becomes the hushed fragments of gossip, shared with 'safe' colleagues who feel the same way about the boss as we do. The information is incompletely expressed and harmfully proliferated. It becomes the subject of political behind-closed-doors conversations, or the raw material for those slyly exchanged glances with other victims, those who are 'in the know' regarding this particular boss' shortcomings. But I digress, let me get back to my point. This article is about those leaders who are short of self-awareness. They do not realise their ‘vomit’ is dripping onto their colleagues, and onto their desks.

Have you worked with those kinds of people? I have. Thank heaven, not very much.

Let me tell you my story

I once had a boss who often acted more like a petulant child with us than a leader. Quite often his toxic leadership would ‘spill’ over onto an undeserving employee. But it was never his fault, no, it was always theirs. Because, of course, they weren't as old as him and didn’t have his qualifications, and he was the boss, so... they just had to suck it up.

In the early-morning dialogue, I shared at the start, at least my son knew when he had vomited; this boss of mine had no clue he was polluting the rest of us.

He had a very, shall we say, ‘dramatic’ personality. He loved attention and loved being the one to talk inspiringly to the staff at staff meetings. What he didn't know, however, was that most of us were not inspired. We saw through his grand speeches. (There was very little “ethos” in his leadership that we trusted, to reference my previous article.)

There were many ways that his actions had a detrimental impact on us, and on the culture of the wider team. One of those was how he spoke about the people who weren’t in the room. You see it didn't take long for those of us in middle management to see that he was playing us off against the bosses at head office, and playing us off against each other, but also against the staff below us. Whoever he was with, in the room at the time, was the golden child. And whoever wasn't in the room, well, they were the ones to blame.

The worst culprits were those who no longer worked at our company. I was around for long enough to know that as soon as I left the company I would become the scapegoat for all the problems in my department, which I was working so tirelessly to fix. Did I say tirelessly? Sorry, correction, I did actually get quite tired of it. (It’s an interesting experience, leaving a job and knowing that as you walk out the daggers will be thrown at your back, but you'll be gone before they hit you – so technically you won’t really feel it, you’ll just know it happened.)

Truth is I left because of him, and the bosses higher up. The leadership culture was incongruent with what I wanted to contribute – at work, as a citizen, and as an expression of my vocational vision – I left for greener pastures after only 8 months.

The last straw for me was a meeting I had with my boss and his boss.

The Final Straw: Navigating Office Politics (and Self-Righteousness)

I had sent an email to the ‘higher-ups’ at the head office after my boss was unable to effect the change that a number of us needed to see happen. I wanted them to know what the conditions were, operationally, for those of us in the trenches on the frontline. And to ask for additional budget. I was fed up and was already planning my exit, so it was a 'straight from the horse's mouth' kind of email. (I had lost patience and was exasperated. So, take that into account as I describe what followed; there’s never a blameless party in a situation like this, so I am sure my exasperation added an edge of self-righteousness to the situation.)

A meeting was called.

I sat down in the boardroom with my boss and two of the higher-ups from off-site (the owner/CEO and another C-suite member). I was asked to explain my email:

"Why are you saying something is operationally broken, causing a lot of pain for middle management and our staff?"

"And why do think we needed it fixed?" (most importantly the staff in my department, even though the concerns were shared by all of us in middle management, as well as the staff that reported to each of us).

I explained the situation, along with the impact it was having on us. The (offsite) CEO came down on me like a ton of bricks. He asked a few questions of my boss, but it was clear there was no challenge to what he replied. His answers were taken as gospel. To me, he made it clear just how lucky we were to have this man as our 'general' out in the field (to switch to a military metaphor for a second).

My boss eloquently spun his words the way he did, replying to the CEO's questions in such a way that made it clear where he thought the problems lay – the staff he had, including me.

For the first time, I witnessed something new – caught between me and his own boss, he knew exactly which side his bread was buttered on, and I was thrown under the bus, or tank, (to go back to the military metaphor.)

Instead of backing me up, even though I was in the room he added me to the bucket of people who were the problem.

The CEO was offended that I would have the audacity to write what I had in my email. He took personal offence that I, and the other staff, were struggling under the weight of their flawed structure and naive directives.

"Who are you to tell me this? You’ve been here what, ten minutes!?"

I asked him how often he got the opportunity to receive this kind of candour from an employee, at my level of management. He said, "More often than you think!"

I replied with a self-assured, "Oh, … well ... then you’re aware of all these things I’m mentioning. Why the frustration?" or something equally as cocky.

He was having none of it. There was a lot of, "In my day…!" and "Don’t tell me about late nights and early mornings! I did your job for 10 years!" and much metaphorical finger wagging in my direction.

He explained that I had been trained during my onboarding and that everything was explained to me. I apparently knew how things were supposed to run. I informed him that I had not actually received proper training; I had been thrown in the deep end, and that no one else around me (who had been there longer than me) seemed to be aware of how the complexities all fitted together either.

He threw the book at me, metaphorically, telling me about all the policies in place. I said the policies don’t make sense, because one contradicts another! I gave examples. He let on that he was tired of having useless staff. Of course, he didn’t say it like that… but that's what I heard.

I told him we were all drowning. And then suggested that might be why the staff turnover was so high.

Anyway, I won’t share the whole blow-by-blow commentary. But suffice it to say that by the time I walked out of the boardroom over an hour later, I had set my mind on resigning.

Resignation and Reflection: A Decision for Self-Preservation

Maybe I’m wrong, but I left with a feeling of having explained my case intelligibly enough, and feeling that, all things considered, I handled myself with integrity, with perhaps a slight tone of insubordination at points, but hey, I’m human too.

I knew my time was done.

I needed to move on to have the kind of impact I was imagining. It was clear that the cost to me (personally, and to my family) of trying to have that kind of impact in this institution was a cost too dear to pay.

The next day I asked HR for a copy of my contract. (There was no way around it, I had misplaced my original and wanted to see what my notice period was.)

Anyway, a little birdie in HR sent a message to my boss’s office.

Just like that, his behaviour towards me shifted. He became charming and endearing; he was complimentary towards me and my department – we were doing "such a great job!" He even popped down to our level for a visit! Something that hadn’t happened since my first week.

A Gracious Response (Too Little Too Late)

To his credit, when I did resign a week later, he was gracious and confirmed my suspicions that a little birdie had told him I might be resigning, and that he hoped I would change my mind. His endearing behaviour was, unfortunately, too little too late. And he was oblivious to how much of his ‘vomit’ I had already soaked up.

In my exit interview, he was kind, which I appreciated, and then sagely gave me a piece of advice for my next job "I think you could with some work on your Emotional Intelligence." (This, from a man who once threw a tantrum in the courtyard, stamping his foot and screaming for his least favourite employee to “COME HERE RIGHT NOW!” for all of the rest of us to hear.)

This has been a long rabbit hole in the form of a personal story to speak about this phenomenon of someone not knowing that the way they show up at work – ‘vomiting’ on their subordinates and dripping their toxicity onto their desks – causes damage to people. Thanks for indulging me while I ranted. It was quite cathartic 😉. But what’s my point here?

The Importance of Emotional Intelligence: A Lesson in Self-Awareness

When an employee (or worse, a leader) is unaware of the impact their behaviour has on those around them, it’s left to others to clean up their mess.

How many businesses have this kind of dynamic? Does yours?

When I told you my story, did you think of one of your own stories, a character in your drama that acts like this?

Now, to come back to the experience I had last week with my sons. Someone had to clean that up. Luckily, the kids are old enough to do what’s needed – strip the bedding and put it in the wash – even if it does take me cracking the whip to make that happen. But when it comes to the office it's not so simple.

What’s the answer when you are dealing with autonomous adults? Or, more pertinently, when those autonomous adults are unaware and also outrank you.

Well, ironically, the words of that old boss come back to me.

We need to improve our Emotional Intelligence.

He was right. Although, at the time, I was a little put out by his own lack of self-awareness (the old 'pot calling the kettle black' dynamic comes to mind) I have come to agree with him.

I did need to develop my Emotional Intelligence. (I’m not saying he didn’t also need to, in case that wasn’t clear from the way I told the story 😂), but, nevertheless, he was right. I was under a false assumption that it was just HIM not ME who needed emotional maturity.

Downstream Solutions to Gravitational Vomit

The truth is it was both of us who could do with some maturity. (And the CEO, let's not forget about him!)

This is something that I have come to understand more and more about Emotional Intelligence as I have spent the better part of the last decade building an Emotional Intelligence Development technology – none of us are as Emotionally Intelligent as we think we are. Many of us suffer from a lack of self-awareness and a cock-sure over-confidence. And that is a very scary thing indeed.

You see not all ‘vomit’ is as aggressive as the kind of behaviour I have mentioned in my story. Sometimes it’s passive-aggressive, veiled in self-righteousness.

How did my own self-righteousness in the midst of my exhaustion from the gravitational impact of poor leadership impact my communication to the 'higher-ups' – both in my email, and in the resulting meeting?

How could I have more successfully effected the change I wanted to see in that context? One thing is clear: with more Emotional Intelligence I would have handled the stakeholders differently and had more influence.

I would have been more successful at 'leading up,' as they say.

With more Empathy, I would have found it easier to relate to the fact that the owner/CEO had spent years of his life building something that I (in the "ten minutes" I was there) seemed to be attacking.

With more EQ I would have felt, and framed, my frustrations differently.

If I had had more of the EQ skill of Emotional Expression I would have been better equipped to share my frustrations, in less exasperated ways.

With Impulse Control perhaps I would have put that email into my drafts folder, and come back later to tweak it – giving myself a better foundation for the meeting.

If I was higher in the EQ skills of Resilience and Stress Tolerance I no doubt would have been in a less precarious state of poor well-being from the pressures of the broken system in the first place (not to say the system didn’t need fixing, but it would no doubt have been less detrimental to me if I had the internal resources to handle it better).

For years I only thought “They were the problem!” but now I see I contributed to the problem too.

Conclusion: The Role of Self in Effecting Change and Organisational Health

Next time you think that someone else is the problem, take it from me, that's not the whole story.

Self-righteousness is not a trait reserved only for others.

But even if the problem is completely outside of you, you might actually be the only solution.

You see, you can't change someone else, but you can change yourself.

It will require a deep and honest look at how you have contributed to the dynamic, and then doing what you can to build the emotional competencies that will help you influence the situation towards a healthier outcome for all.

This doesn’t mean that someone else's ‘vomit’ is your responsibility. It isn't about responsibility. It's about how it affects people. Doing what you can to clean it up doesn't mean you are taking ownership of someone else's behaviour, it just means you are taking ownership of your own behaviour – all it means is that recognise you can effect change even if it's not your 'vomit'.

You see, they may not clean it up. They may not know it's even there. And if they do know, they may not care.

In many ways, it doesn't really matter whose mess it is to clean up. If it's affecting everyone then the more pertinent question is "How do we find a solution?"

The solution can only come from those with the awareness of the problem, but they must have both the will to help deal with it and the Emotional Intelligence do so effectively.