What are your non-negotiables?
If you're a leader, knowing how to meet others needs is a non negotiable. But who’s looking after you?
In the 1940s, psychologist Abraham Maslow proposed that to reach self-actualisation, the following needs had to be met first:
This is called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The hierarchy of needs dictates when we have our core needs met, we can focus on actualisation. Actualisation is where achievement lives.
It’s the juice of high performance in any category.
We know that self actualisation (results) can only be achieved when we have our needs met. We also know that we can’t expect to produce ‘high performers’ when they don’t have their base core needs met (safety, security, belonging). It’s a bit like having a leaky boat and wondering why you can’t paddle to shore.
It’s a tricky time for workplace culture because there seems to be a mismatch of expectations at this inflection point. The literal definition of work is to produce a result. But for many people in my classes, work is no longer ‘just work’. It means so much more than that. It contributes to a sense of contribution, purpose and meaning.
Different generations have different experiences and expectations of work.
This shift helps us understand why there’s tension at work. Expectations of what a leader does has changed. Leaders' jobs used to be making sure results were delivered.
There’s a tension between the ‘old guard’ (expecting to work 9-5, in the office) and the ‘new world (work from anywhere, remotely and flexibly). Both have different expectations of what work provides them, different hopes and fears.
So, who's job is it to meet all these needs?
Historically, work was never set up, structurally, to fulfil a humans core needs. It’s evolved over the years to be more employee centric as we understand what motivates people to contribute: autonomy, choice, empowerment, agency and recognition.
As people are leaving workplaces in droves with the Great Resignation, leaders are taking the time to pause and really ask, "where does our responsibility start and end? Where does my job start and end? What’s the boundary here? Is it my job to meet that persons needs to feel a sense of belonging? Is that now part of the job description?"
We all have a craving to have our own needs met. Which is why great workplaces really dive deep into these needs.
Workplaces have spent millions linking purpose to business outcomes over the years and for good reason. Research proves that positive workplaces produce higher returns over longer periods of time.
I work with a lot of subject matter experts who are promoted due to their technical expertise. Many are baffled at this ‘grey area’ of the new expectation. "What’s this new ‘language’ people are speaking about empathy, psychological safety, coaching, mentoring and getting to know their teams? Can’t you just tell people what to do?"
And it’s that nuance which trips up many leaders. You're not losing power by communicating differently from a place of what that person can gain. Instead, you're helping the person you lead gain power and autonomy.
In the old days, this'd be referred to as influencing at work. Instead, I'd love you to think about this: how can I give people in my care an explicit choice and outline what they have to gain. You help people make decisions that suit them best. What they do with that choice is up to them.
The leaders I support are experts in knowing what they want. What I help them work on is communicating what they need. This clarity is the difference between having a team and knowing how to get the most out of them.
In order for work to meet the modern expectations of employees, leaders need a base level ability to meet their own own needs, and communicate those needs.
If you want the people you’re leading to take ownership, complete tasks of their own volition and achieve more, you have to make it clear what’s in it for them. It’s not about pretending a dull task is an exciting career opportunity. Instead, it’s about asking the person in your care:
"Here’s my expectation and here’s why it matters you meet that. Are you aligned with that?"
That's the base line conversation. Yet, you’d be surprised how many leaders in my care have never extrapolated what their actual expectations are of their teams performance and behaviour. It’s an incredibly empowering exercise.
If the answer is no, ‘I can’t get aligned to that expectation’, or ‘I’ve changed/ my circumstance has changed and that doesn’t work for me anymore’ it’s actually quite simple what you do next: you make it clear that it isn’t going to work.
If the expectation is X and you prefer Y, let’s help you make the space to go and find Y. It can be that simple. We don't need to go around in vague questions both wondering what the expectation is. We are capable of emotionally honest conversations.
But if the answer is yes, that person is aligned, you can move to the next round, which is, "what do you need to prioritise, and who do you need to become in order for that to become a reality?"
Sounds simple enough. So why aren’t more of us doing it?
What I discover with leaders who are feeling stuck or overwhelmed is that often, they aren’t meeting their core needs. They’re forgetting the basics and as a result are at a higher risk of being overwhelmed and less effective.
When we meet our own needs we take responsibility for our own well being. Are reminded of our agency. Enjoy healthier boundaries. Cultivate and nurture relationships based on equity. Shift from the feeling of things happening to us to taking responsibility for how we respond.
We have energy for others and can support others. We lower martyrdom or needing to ‘save the day’. We find we can problem solve effectively. We’re nicer to be around. We have the foundation to deliver results.
I’d love to step you through some of the exercises I teach in Leadership Mastermind around the concept of meeting your own needs in our module, Managing Highs and Lows.
Let's step through them:
When I teach this exercise in workplaces, people often say coffee is a non negotiable. Being outside. Exercise. Time with their favourite show. Switching off and having time for the kids. These are all examples of non-negotiables.
For me, a good day and non negotiable is knowing that my team are clear on what their focuses are. Even if I didn't get everything done, knowing that they're clear on their priorities and that I'm clear on my priorities gives me so much comfort and confidence. Knowing that my partner feels loved and connected, that's a non negotiable and having pride in my work, you know, if I'm going to do something, as a perfectionist, I want to do it well.
2. How do I choose to prioritise my needs?
We all make choices and those choices show up in our results. In my life, I have made the following choices to prioritise:
And that’s before I even think of my family and friends. Clearly, you can see my priorities here.
Before meeting my now spouse, my list looked a little more like this:
My needs? All the way at the bottom of the list. As you can see, a recipe for burnout.
I often do this exercise in my coaching sessions and I am always interested in the results. This always reveals to me the priority of leaders. What I often notice is that they don't always pop their team's needs near the top of the list.
3. What are your teams non-negotiables?
It’s easy to forget your team have core needs to be met each day when you’re in the day to day. They have families, communities, religious beliefs, and routines. If and when your team is performing out of sync or unusually, it’ll be because they haven’t met a need that may be within their control.
That’s the hack here: when you know what top performance looks like, and you have the relationship where you know ahead of time what's important to your team, you can tell when somethings out of sorts, and you have the dialogue to really tap into getting them back on track. You can give out healthy doses of empathy and flexibility because you know their DNA and what's truly important to them in order to shine at work.
Knowing the answer to this question helps you spot those gaps earlier which saves time and money and sanity, honestly.
I often hear from leaders that they don't know how to read body language online. But, really, it's actually exactly the same as in person. You just need to know what to look for.
If you know what great looks like with their needs met, it's easy to spot when things aren't going so well or they need some TLC. Do they seem distracted or on the verge of tears? Is their thinking face a frown or is something bothering them? Have they missed a chance to meet their personal commitments before arriving to work or are they just under the pump?
It makes us more useful as leaders, really. It also is a boundary game changer - instead of assuming what our team need, we can ask: what do you need from me? We don't need to go into counsellor mode, that's not our responsibility. Our responsibility is more akin to a traffic controller: what do you need and where to do you need to go to be safe?
The truth is, our team have their own non-negotiables to whether that's been communicated [to us] or not. Posing the question to your team, ‘what’s your non-negotiables every day’ is a superb place to start. I bet you’ll learn something new and chances are they’ll love to think about it.
I’ve learned so much about my team, and indeed my clients, simply by posing the question. It helps me understand their reality before they come to work, the choices they make at work based on their belief system, and they role they want work to play in their life. It also reminds me that work is just one part of their experience. Helpful for leaders and entrepreneurs alike, to remember!
4. Do I know what ‘done’ looks like?
I remember so vividly earlier a team member saying to me, “what does done look like with this project?” And I had a gulp of my throat as I thought “what does that look like? Things are never done!” Ha!
That was because I had my entrepreneur hat, my leader hat on. I wasn't stepping into the shoes of the team member which is, ‘this is a project, so how do I know when I'm finished?’ Meaning ‘how do I know I've done a great job?’
I learned so much from that interaction. Since then, I started to ask what ‘done’ looked like and created boundaries in my business for jobs, for clients and most importantly for my team so they knew when to stop, celebrate and what to aim towards. As a result we got great feedback on what clients most valued and we were able to streamline things that didn't shift the dial so much, making more time to celebrate and add value.
I share this great template I share in Leadership Mastermind which is being really clear with your team on what the need to do vs nice to do looks like so everyone knows where to direct their energy each week.
It asks:
These four questions lazer focus our attention on the deal breakers of results each week, and helps people mentally unload any martyrdom, over-attention, distraction and focus on actually shifting the dial each week.
If your team are not used to meeting their own needs, this will give them a lazer focus. It has helped me so much as a leader and entrepreneur too, as I am encouraged to focus on one thing at a time.
Meeting your needs and your teams teams needs doesn’t need to be time intensive, but it does need to be prioritised for you to be effective.
Reflecting on this, what would you say could be an opportunity for your leadership?
I teach these concepts in Leadership Mastermind, where I teach the 10 essentials of leadership.
In Leadership Mastermind, you get access to my private coaching calls and private workshops available only for members. Sign up today.