Wellbeing Wednesday #13 - Why you shouldn’t try to make people happy

Being a "people-pleaser" is a trait I’ve had for a long time. It’s led me to fall into the kind of 'non-specific-do-a-bit-of-everything-you-throw-at-me' job roles I’ve had in the past and it’s made relationships and friendships really hard work at times, for everyone involved. Everyone will try to make another person happy at some point in their life; parents, a partner, a friend, your boss – it could be someone you’re close to, or worse, someone you’re not even that invested in. For many, myself included, the eagerness to please stems from self-worth issues. 

Most people don’t want to be around someone who is seen as a pushover, it makes them feel guilty, as if they are taking advantage, or, they will just actually take advantage of you eventually. This can happen a lot in the workplace, I’ve experienced it and I’ve seen others go through it. You mean well, but ultimately you get yourself into a routine or persona that is then difficult to shake off – you become known as the person who is ‘dependable to get it done’ no matter the personal cost. And that can have huge detrimental effects on your own life. You end up giving up things you want to do in favour of pleasing the other person to do what they want; you eat in restaurants you’re not really a fan of, you watch movies you know you won't like, you waste hours on a weekend doing work that isn’t really your job because you know come Monday morning you’ll get that quick ‘thanks, you’re the best’ even though you turned up three hours late to your friend’s birthday lunch then went overboard promising to make it up to them next weekend, when actually you had planned to go to an exhibition of your favourite artist… but that can wait because making them happy will make you happy…

Will it?

Logically this behaviour makes sense, right? You bend over backwards to make others feel like they are your priority, in the hope they’ll appreciate your efforts, bask in your love and then give that love straight back to you. It’s a trait you learn from birth – pleasing your caregivers means you’re rewarded with food, shelter, care and affection. This then becomes a behavioural pattern through procedural memory (like once you learn to ride a bike you never forget). We are conditioned to learn how to secure security as children, and then adopt this method throughout life, only we grow up and some of us feel stuck in this pattern of feeling or relating even though we know it doesn’t work or we’ve outgrown it.

One of the major realisations I’ve had over the last couple of years, particularly with my job and relationship, is that I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to make the people around me happy. Not by doting on them, gifts or sucking up, but in smaller more subtle ways, often being there or doing things for them at the cost of something for myself - if I'm brutally honest with myself, I'm not even sure what my own actual hobbies are any more as I've spent so much time 'just going with the flow' and doing whatever anyone else wanted. When they were sad, or anxious, or stressed, I felt like it was my responsibility to make them happy again. But in truth that doesn’t work, and in return, rather than feeling the positive effects of doing something nice for someone else, I’m left feeling deflated and even more anxious that I’m not good enough.

We often fall into a trap of believing our worthiness can be tallied by how many times we can make someone smile. Years of bitter disappointment at the disillusionment when it doesn’t seem to work, feeling ashamed that we’re just not good enough or a total failure. Or, worse, we become resentful of thinking those people are just hopelessly ungrateful people. But in truth, they are just normal people, with their own inner mind, wounds, worries and hang ­ups. They’re probably trying to please someone else too. Like some hideous chain in the housing market; if the one at the bottom falls through, the whole lot turns to shit…

They are only responsible for their own emotions, just in the way only you can be responsible for yours. Sure, other people can make you feel good, secure, heard, understood, they can make you laugh but ultimately, it’s these feelings that then lead to an overall feeling of happiness and wellbeing, not the act itself. By recognising what makes you feel down, it’s easier to pinpoint things you can do to lift your mood, or what you need that is missing. It’s hard work, and asking for what you need can be terrifying. I put it off for years in relationships as I was convinced that it would end in a break up, and in my job as I feared I'd be let go for being a pain in the arse, but for the first time in my life when I’m sad or anxious I talk to my partner about it, and he supports me by listening. That act in itself makes me feel valued and heard, which in turn means my overall wellbeing is being catered for as those are needs I recognise as being important to me. He isn’t directly the one to make me happy, I am. I ask for his time and support, and when he’s able to give it, he does. I return the support when he needs it, and I feel good about it. Being there for someone is then a choice and not a chore.

Rather than spending your time worrying about pleasing people, focus that time on finding your priorities and the things that make you truly happy, whether it’s sport, travel, or staying in and watching your favourite movie instead of going out with friends. No matter how important someone is to you, you’re only human and there is only so much you can do for others – you have the right to make your own decisions. Bringing your own goals and ambitions to life is a huge part of finding yourself, but that’s nearly impossible to do when you’re catering to the needs of other people. Ultimately, it’s your life, you have to do it your way.

As my wise friend Leila says:

"it's about addressing the balance of looking after your own needs whilst supporting those you love, whilst being true to yourself and acknowledging what your boundaries are, and being kind to yourself and keeping in those boundaries is key."

Easy, right?!