On quitting and the pursuit of meaning

I never thought this day would come so soon, but I had to put down my papers at Y-Films and YRF today. The three years+ that I spent at the Yash Raj Films institution that I had come to call home, were the greatest years of my life, and I can't express in words about how grateful I am to have gotten the chance to work with the best team in the world: my boss, mentor, friend and the man who I have learnt more from than anybody else in the world, Ashish Patil; and my two anmol ratans, Sakshi and Raunaq, who I love probably as much as I'll love my own children; and the rest of the YRF family.. because that's what they had become to me, a family.

It makes little sense that I would quit when I'm working with some of the most wonderful people I've ever met, and at one of the most remarkable institutions that ever existed. But then, life is this absolutely crazy thing that refuses to ever make sense, as hard as you try for it to. I realised this sometime last year, when, in spite of having no real reasons for it to happen, I was diagnosed with anxiety. Everything was fine on the surface; of course I had the kind of ups and downs any regular working professional would; but other than that, I didn't have anything I would call not a 'first world problem'!

And yet, I went through months and months of anxiety. I wrote about it in December, and I'm sure a lot of you have read what it felt like and how I tried to overcome. For me, dealing with anxiety wasn't so much about trying to understand how to fight it; but to understand why this was happening, especially to me. What was the source; the reason; what was it that I was doing wrong? Because from where I was standing, I was doing everything just about the best I could.

I took a sabbatical at the beginning of this year, to go back home and do some soul searching. I thought that all I needed, a break, some fresh air, and the comfort of being home, to magically figure out my life, and then get prepped for the next race that I inevitably will start running (not physically, nope). And between more anxiety filled days where my body and mind would tell me THIS IS NOT WORKING YOU IDIOT, it struck me: life is not meant to be sorted, it's meant to be lived. And that's perhaps what I was doing wrong.. I had stopped living.

In between my job and the hundred other things I do, all of which I was just... doing, I had stopped enjoying myself completely. I would move on from one assigned project to another, one day to another, one month to another, one vacation to another, in between endlessly long bouts of traffic that would destroy my soul, grasping at some cool things I could do on the side that would make me feel whole again. Getting lots of likes on Instagram and FB for putting great pictures of these things would give me the illusion that I'm doing this right, of course I'm having fun, yes this is what fun is meant to be, this is how you enjoy life. And yet, I would feel empty from inside.

Because I was existing, I wasn't living. I was existing in between those happy social media posts and the fun things I was getting to do, but there just wasn't any meaning in any of it. There was no pause; there was no time to breathe and think and absorb, there was just doing and moving and travelling and existing. But no living.

So how *does* one live? I have no idea, to be honest :D. Literally no clue. But I am can't wait to find out! I know, for a fact, that this will include doing things that feel meaningful, that fill my heart with love and kindness and hope, that feel like you're actually making a difference in the world and not just earning money because that's what everyone else does, or buying things because that's what everyone wants, or being in another job because that's what everyone is. If the last sabbatical I took in life, around 4 years ago, was about the pursuit of happiness; this one is about the pursuit of meaning.

Over the course of the next few months, I want to explore everything that feels meaningful to me: teach, learn, read, listen, writer, direct, produce, talk. I want to explore things I've never done before, like podcasts, or live shows, or direction, or give more talks, workshops and teaching, or undertake fellowships, and anything else that gives me joy, as long as I get to do the things that I believe matter: kindness, mental health, storytelling for and about young people, youth policy and impact, and any other thing that has the potential of making the world slightly better. And I want to do this with people who care.

This is the first step in the journey of the rest of my life, and while my new beard hides the 'scared shitless' look of my face, I am also pretty fucking excited about this! Even if I fall flat on my face in this pursuit, I think 'trying' will be so totally worth it. Wish me luck! :)