The most important feedback you can give: this is what it's like to be in relationship with you.

The first time I heard another coach talking about this kind of thing it blew my mind - the courage to even think it, let alone share it.

Now it’s one of the first things I notice.

That thing is: what is it like to interact with you?

‘As a coach,’ said Fred Kofman in a training video I once watched, ‘I can give you an insight into the black box of how others find it to interact with you..‘

I can tell you, this is how someone might feel when you do this.

Mostly, I create powerful agreements with my clients that mean that we respect each other’s time and energy.

But sometimes, that doesn’t work.

A few years ago, I had a client (although there have been more since then) who cancelled their sessions regularly, at late notice, who arrived late, and more.

This was despite there essentially being a financial penalty for not showing up. He lost out on coaching when he did that.

It took a while, but in the end, the conversation where I said ‘I notice this thing you’re doing. This is what it’s like to interact with you. What’s happening there?’ transformed our coaching engagement.

The client later said, ‘Robbie, this coaching has changed my life.’

He felt so passionate he actually offered to have a phone call with people who were thinking about doing coaching with me to tell them how transformational it could be.

And the key moment that transformed that work that transformed his life was me giving him the feedback: this is what it’s like to interact with you.

It is quite something to hold that feedback in a way that isn’t personal. And, in fact, it’s not not personal. It has to be personal for you to notice it.

It’s a knife edge.

I often only notice that the feedback may need to be given because of the irritation rising in my usually cool, relaxed demeanour with clients.

Emotions are information.

What is this feeling telling me?

And then, to have that feedback land, this has to be somehow shared with the person in a way that they can receive.

In a way that doesn’t trigger their neurological threat states (as so much feedback does), tripping people’s nervous systems so that their capability of learning drops like a stone.

So it’s hard.

It can be thankless.

It doesn’t always go well.

But.

What if this is showing up everywhere in the person’s life?

What if no one else, ever, will tell them how it is to be stood up and messed around?

What if no one else, ever, will tell them that this tone of voice can have that effect for people?

What if no one else, ever, will let them know what it’s like inside the black box of the mind of someone interacting with them?

What if this thing that you are feeling is damaging not just your relationship with them, but all their relationships?

That makes the willingness to give this feedback, courageously and wrapped in (sometimes tough) love, not just a skill for great coaches, but a leadership skill of the highest importance.

And not just individuals, either.

Organisations, too.

I worked on a short team dynamics project with an organisation.

Every time my colleague and I finished a meeting with the clients, we had this strange feeling: anxious, confused, stressed out.

We found ourselves getting dragged out of our job description into places that we weren’t contracted (or really qualified) to work on.

But mostly, I noticed the feeling.

And then I realised: what if everyone who interacts with this team feels like this? What if everyone in the team feels like this? What if everyone is getting dragged out of their job descriptions by something in this dynamic, into places they aren’t contracted (or qualified) to go?

What does our job become then? Can we give them that feedback? Can we show them a different way?

At the very least, can we hold our centred ground and pull them out of their dynamic by refusing to engage?

There are many reasons I’m grateful that I ended up doing this work, this coaching.

One is that it has fine-tuned my ability to have conversations like that (although I’ve got to say it’s a lot easier when I know someone is paying me good money to give them tough love than it is with friends or family who haven’t given that permission).

I don’t always get it right. Sometimes people slip into a threat state.

But sometimes they hear.

And then I know.

I know I’ve done a good day’s work.

I know that their lives are changed.

And I can wonder if maybe, if it wasn’t for my courage, skill and love in that moment, they might never have found out.

And of course: you can do that, too.

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This is the latest in a series of articles written using the 12-Minute Method: write for twelve minutes, proof read once with tiny edits and then post online. 

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