Meeting New People? Don’t Make These 7 Conversational Mistakes.

The following is adapted from Superbold.

Picture this. You’re attending another networking event where you know absolutely no one. You’ve mustered up the courage to start a conversation with someone, and after you babble along nervously, it happens: the dreaded “crickets.” You’re mortified, and you feel trapped.

Or let’s take this common scenario from today’s world. You’re on a Zoom call with some executives in your company. You don’t know many of them very well, but you want to impress them. You make a hilarious joke, and wait for the roars of laughter. But, all you are met with are blank stares. In fact, you wonder if perhaps the screen is frozen.

Has this happened to you before? 

You’re not alone. If you’re working to become bolder, you will undoubtedly encounter awkward social situations. However, if you avoid these seven conversational pitfalls, you’ll be much more likely to come out of those situations with more confidence and self-assurance. Most importantly, you’ll feel more comfortable in your next challenging social interaction.

#1: Don’t Monologue

Monologuing—talking in an unbroken stream for a minute or two or five—is deadly to first encounters. Monologuing is often driven by anxiety. And it’s very easy to lapse into stream-of-consciousness high-speed babbling when you get in new social situations.

Learn to sense when your mouth is running out of control. Stop. Take a breath. You MUST hand over the mic, so to speak. If you realize you’ve been monologuing, you can always say something lightly apologetic, like, “But enough about me…” and ask them almost anything about themselves. Remember, if you’re talking more than you’re listening, you’re not interesting.

#2: Don’t Play “Top This!”

Here’s a key lesson in meeting people: launching into a statement that sounds like you’re playing “Top This” will bring most conversations to a screeching halt. Because that’s not really what attracts people. They don’t want everyone they meet to have some sort of high-level achievement that they can’t possibly rival in the conversation.

So, if someone tells you they just got back from Rome, don’t immediately reply with, “Oh, yeah, I was there in 2005, saw U2 play a concert in the Colosseum, blah, blah, blah, (Top that!).” Instead, say, “Really? What was your favorite moment?” Think about those two responses. Who do you think someone would rather continue talking to?

Stop trying to be more interesting and be more interested in the other person.

In short, conversation is not a competition. Ironically, you win it by letting the other person top you. Being charismatic isn’t winning everyone’s attention. It’s making everyone feel better about themselves.

#3: Don’t be a Know-It-All

Have you ever noticed people gravitating toward a know-it-all? Someone with all the answers, with all the facts that contradict what someone else just said? I’ll bet you haven’t, because they are masters at repelling people. I know, because sometimes I’ve been that person. Worked like a curse, not a charm.

But I learned. Now I don’t correct people. I even let them tell me what I already know, rather than saying that I already know it. Because it doesn’t impress anyone. It just makes you feel a little better about yourself.

Don’t have all the answers. Add something interesting and relevant, but not by contradicting others. Sure, it’s fun to get in a deep conversation about global warming, but if you are on opposite poles (get it?), you’re not going to change the other person’s mind, nor will they convince you. Talk about movies instead. Or even better, try to understand their point of view and how it was formed. You just might learn something.

#4: Don’t Dead-End the Dialogue

Don’t say things that bring the conversation to a halt. A lot of times, we have an initial encounter and say something that leads nowhere. It doesn’t invite a meaningful response. It could be trying to be clever or cool, or doesn’t show real interest in the person, or is negative in its perspective, or just plain weird. Things like this often bring the conversation to an abrupt halt.

There are also other ways to dead-end the conversation. One is by making a definitive statement of your opinion and doing it in a way that says you will brook no contradiction, saying something like, “In my experience, that’s not true at all.”

The other is to fizzle out the conversation with something like, “Well, that’s life” or “Not much more to say about that.” In both cases, the other person has to restart the conversation because you’ve stopped exchanging and eliciting responses. Always add to the conversation by saying, “Yes, and…” and asking questions. Don’t ever make it the other person's job to jump-start the stalled exchange.

#5: Don’t Try to Be Funny

The key word here is “try.” Humor is risky business. Nervous people seldom pull it off. What’s more, if you try to make a joke and no one laughs, you could end up making yourself more nervous. Use humor sparingly at the beginning of your venture into confidence, especially in the first few exchanges in a new encounter. 

Let’s face it, not everyone has your sense of humor. Some people don’t have any at all. But being droll, witty, snarky, clever, glib, or ironic are all very specific shades of humor, and when someone is not expecting it or attuned to that type of humor, and you try to roll out those shades of subtlety, you are lowering your odds of positive reception or even comprehension. Dial it back to being friendly and finding a common ground. Communication is about being understood, not making sounds.

#6: Don’t Embed a Hidden Bias

Especially at the outset, avoid embedding some personal bias into an initial conversation. Political and religious views should be approached with caution. If you have a strong bias or opinion in these areas, know that it will put many people off. Gender bias and racial or ethnic biases are also off limits.

Also, when asking a question, be careful not to let your personal biases color your words. Political bias is a typical example, as in, “Can you believe what the president said last night?” 

I engage in heated political discussions with my friends all the time. But I already know their basic positions and beliefs. When meeting new people, proceed with much greater caution and don’t make the assumption that everyone thinks like you or believes what you do. In fact, I can guarantee you that a whole bunch of people don’t.

#7: Don’t Eavesdrop

Unless you can clearly overhear someone trying to find out something innocuous that you know, like directions, don’t interject something. Or if you are truly trying to protect them from some type of danger or grievous mistake. In fact, those two things are pretty much the entire list of acceptable reasons to jump into a conversation based on eavesdropping.

First of all, interjecting tells someone you were listening to their private conversation, which in public is considered, at the very least, discourteous by most. You are not  invited into the conversation just because you can hear it.

A variation of this behavior is wedging yourself into a conversation. If it’s a party and a few people are idly chatting, then it’s perfectly acceptable to introduce yourself. But outside of that type of social situation, it’s more challenging and also somewhat inconsiderate, especially if it looks like the two people are engaged seriously in a conversation.

Knowing is Half the Battle

Most of these principles you can start incorporating immediately into your life, as they are simply rules for better social interaction. Some will be “Aha” moments for you, and easy to change, while others may take a while to unlearn. Knowing what not to do is half the battle because then you are on the path to self-awareness, and you’ll catch yourself doing the behaviors.

The best part about not committing these seven conversational mistakes is that you will find your conversations with new people to be more meaningful and enriching. And one of those conversations may lead you to an opportunity you never would have had if you made that corny joke in the beginning!

For more advice on successful conversations, you can find Superbold on Amazon.

Fred Joyal is an author, speaker, entrepreneur, and business advisor. Along with a lucrative career in advertising and marketing, he co-founded the most successful dentist referral service in the country, 1-800-DENTIST. He has written two books on marketing, dabbled in stand-up and improv comedy, acted in bad movies and excellent TV commercials, and visited over forty-four countries around the world. He has an honorary Doctor of Arts degree from the University of Rhode Island, perhaps because of his generous donations. He once beat Sir Richard Branson in chess and was also a question on Jeopardy!. He is an avid cyclist, a below-average tennis player, and an even worse golfer.

.