Lessons I learned as an Asian American parent

The month of May holds a special significance for the AAPI (Asian American Pacific Islander) community. It has often made me think of my journey in the States and this year I reflected on my experience as an AAPI parent raising children here. Recently, someone asked me how I feel about my journey, and as I pondered on it, I couldn’t help but think about how this journey has been centered on finding comfort in exploring uncharted territories. This motto has helped our family navigate our life, including what it means to be a parent to Asian American children. 

When I was a little kid, I wanted simple things. I wished to eat more mangoes than my mother would allow, possess the sharpest memory so exams would become easier, and grow up to fly planes that would fly through the skies above my home. However, by the age of 10, these goals had evolved into something much bigger. I wanted to look after myself and my family; no matter what that would take. Further ahead, I embraced the value of hard work in pursuit of my dreams. These memories of young Rahul’s ambitions suddenly resurfaced when I witnessed my children prepping their own lunches at the beginning of middle school. As a middle-class child from a small city in India, self-reliance held great importance for young Rahul and seeing a live example of this value seeping into my children’s DNA became one of the most cherished moments in my life.

Having independence to make our own decisions was a distant concept until my adulthood. I was directed towards a career in engineering, and I am grateful to have liked it enough to be passionate about my work. As parents, there are days when my wife, Shefali and I are tempted to give directions to our children when they seem clueless about what they want for the future. Despite our fun banter about AP math and science grades in the ‘analytical’ Jalali household, our practice remains to intentionally take a backseat and enable our kids to choose their own paths. Treating them as an equal and empowering decision making and accountability from an early stage of their lives became an imperative; more so because time and again, my kids have often humbled us with their knowledge and understanding of tech in comparison with their ‘techie’ parents! We only wished for opportunities to branch out and carve our own paths during our childhood journeys, so we embraced holistic growth (balancing intellectual and emotional intelligence) as parents. This approach stemmed from our desire to offer the best of both Asian and American cultures to the children. 

Our upbringing differed from that of our children. Our culture instilled in us the innate duty to respect our elders and find contentment in what we have in life. However, our children have grown up in a more egalitarian world. Their ideal careers are ones that contribute to greater good, they advocate for their rights and equal opportunities for all, and their friendships are built on creating meaningful communities and fostering holistic prosperity from an early age. These values have not only shaped their identities but have also guided us in establishing a foundation of Asian American heritage for them to proudly embrace, embodying the best of both worlds.

In the wake of the recent tornadoes in Omaha, my daughter and nephew took the lead in our household to organize and figure out ways to help the community with relief efforts. Our children do not shy away from hard labor and dedication required to serve causes they care about. Whether it is going the extra mile to serve the underserved in our local communities or offering the best hospitality to any guest in our home, it’s marvelous to see how they have imbibed the virtue of ‘giving’ (referred to as ‘daana’ in Hinduism) as a duty. I continue to learn a great deal from my children's value system, but I am most proud of how they utilize their privilege. I sincerely hope that all younger generations will embrace these values from our Asian heritage as well.

Each year, as I reflect on the foundation we have created for ourselves as Asian Americans, I feel a sense of pride and satisfaction in not only retaining our roots but also in embracing our identity with lessons learned from American culture. Categorizing us as a particular type within the diverse AAPI community is challenging. What binds us is our shared respect for each other's principles and our adherence to certain values that make our subcultures distinctive. I hope to see more and more proud Asian Americans owning their unique identities and embracing the best of both worlds, as parents and children of this rich heritage and community.