"It's all invented!"

How our personal narratives shape the future of our products

I recently had the pleasure of speaking at La Product Conf Paris and wanted to share an overview of my talk called “It’s all invented!.”

Instead of diving into the nuts and bolts of product management, my talk focused on the interpersonal skills that shape our work as product managers and product leaders.

Be honest… Do any of these statements sound familiar?

During the talk, I shared some common narratives that many of us have probably encountered or even voiced ourselves.

For example:

• "The CTO doesn't like me. I can't get anything done. I'm stuck. Please help."

• "There's no reason to train our folks on customer interviews. I know what the product needs to be. Just get the team to do what I say."

• "I can't delegate the work. If I do, it won't be done right. So it's all on me."

I've probably heard statements like these hundreds of times throughout my career and I bet you've heard them, too. You might have even said them a few times. I know I did when I was hands-on in product. 

But the thing is, these are living examples of stories that are going on in our heads that tell us who's on our side, who we should and shouldn’t be working with, and how we should be approaching our work altogether. They can significantly shape how we work, how our teams operate, our organisations function and, of course, the future of our products.

As an executive coach, I work with my clients to identify these stories, to understand their impact, to take a look at the origin of the stories, and then introduce some tools to help my clients rewrite them. One of the most popular tools that I use is called the Karpman Drama Triangle, which was the focus of my talk.

Introducing 3 popular storylines and their main characters

To give you an idea of what happens in a coaching session, generally every one of my coaching session starts with the simple question: “What do you want to talk about today?”

And 99% of the time, the response that I get from my client is a story in which they're playing one of these starring roles. They're either the hero, the victim, or the villain of a situation at work. These roles are part of the Karpman Drama Triangle, created by psychologist Stephen Karpman in the 1960s. Understanding these roles can help you recognise patterns in your personal narratives, and invent new possibilities.

Let’s take a look:

The Hero (aka The Protector): Here to fix any problem: The hero's statement might be, "If I don't do it, it won't be done right." Heroes solve problems and save the day, but this can lead to burnout and a team that relies too much on them. As a result, team members don’t grow in that much-needed ability to solve their own problems and feel confident when faced with challenges. Yet, as the hero aligns so closely with our myth of what leadership is really about (having all the answers, and solving all the problems) it’s a storyline that lot a leaders associate with.

The Victim: Feeling trapped and helpless Victims might say things like, "I can’t get that done, because the data was never given to me." Or, “my boss doesn’t like me so I’ll never get the promotion.” They feel stuck and helpless, relying on heroes to solve their problems, which hinders their growth personally and professionally.

The Villain (aka The Persecutor): Blaming others: Villains blame others for problems. Statements like the one I mentioned above, "just listen to what I say and do it my way," are pure villain. They point fingers and avoid responsibility, creating a toxic environment.

It’s important to point out that sometimes these characters and narratives are right in their actions.  Sometimes it’s right to be the victim, hero and even villain. But, we also need to be aware of getting caught in these stories and not being able to shift to new perspectives.  

Shifting Roles and Stories

These roles and stories aren't fixed. We often shift between them fluidly. For instance, you might start a meeting as a hero and leave feeling like a victim.

Karpman said that our ability and need to shift our storyline is actually where the “drama” in Drama Triangle comes from, and he theorises that the reason we do it is to “defend, deny and protect ourselves.”

In essence, by creating self narratives our brains are doing what they’re designed to do - protect us. In the days of our cave-dwelling ancestors, that protection came in the form of fight or flight to save us from encroaching predators, but today, that protection come in the form of our self narratives that protect us from co-workers, managers and even our customers.

That means our stories are a feature. They're not a bug, but they are buggy. 

Our stories are built and fuelled by millions of pieces of information that we're getting all day, every day—noises and sounds and reactions and conversations and random interactions and experiences we've had in the past. 

And our brain does the best it can to create some structure around all of this data and information coming in. But it was not built for accuracy like a computer. As I just mentioned, it was built to keep us alive. So that means all this information, all these experiences, all these conversations and body language and nuances just get merged and mashed up in our brains. 

Our brains do their best to sort through this flood, but they aren't computers. So, when we recall a conversation or an event, it's not like replaying a video; our memories tend to mix things up, adding a bit of imagination and invention into the mix. The result is the narratives we live and work with by every day.

But, if our brains can invent these stories of protection, then it can also change them. We don't have to be wedded to one storyline or one outcome. There is the possibility to reinvent our stories. 

Moving Above the Line: The Empowerment Triangle

The alternative to the Drama Triangle is the Empowerment Triangle, created by David Emerald, where roles shift to challenger, creator, and coach. This is often referred to as “above the line” thinking. 

Below the line, where a lot of the Karpman drama triangle stories sit, our narratives are defensive, closed off, and are a way for us to protect ourselves by being right all the time. The majority of our self narratives are below the line. 

But that means we’ve got stories living above the line, where they are curious, open and committed to learning and trying new things. 

The Coach: Asking questions

Instead of being the hero and fixing everything, coaches ask, "How can I help?" This helps others solve their own problems and fosters growth.

The Creator: Exploring options

Creators see multiple solutions and aren't stuck in one narrative like the victim often is. They shift from "I can't" to "What are my options?"

The Challenger: Constructive criticism

Challengers call out issues constructively, aiming to help others improve without blame, shifting away from the villain storyline.

There's an alternative to the Karpman drama triangle to help us visualise what those new stories might be - called the Empowerment Triangle (or The Empowerment Dynamic). Created by David Emerald, it includes a new cast of characters - the challenger, creator, and coach. The storylines reflected in Emerald’s model make up what is often referred to as “above the line” thinking. 

Below the line, where a lot of the Karpman drama triangle stories sit, our narratives are defensive, closed off, and are a way for us to protect ourselves by being right all the time. Perhaps not surprisingly, the majority of our self narratives are below the line. 

But that means we’ve got stories living above the line, where they are curious, open and committed to learning and trying new things.  Here’s what those above the line main characters look like:

The Coach: Asking questions

Instead of being the hero and fixing everything, coaches ask, "How can I help?" This helps others solve their own problems and fosters growth.

The Creator: Exploring options

Creators see multiple solutions and aren't stuck in one narrative like the victim often is. They shift from "I can't" to "What are my options?"

The Challenger: Constructive criticism

Challengers call out issues constructively, aiming to help others improve without blame, shifting away from the villain storyline.

Steps to rewrite your stories using your product skills

Rewriting your stories means first identify your existing narratives, understanding the impact that they have on those around you, and then intentionally choosing to alter them. Believe it or not, this is where your product skills can truly make a difference.

Here’s how you can get going:

1. Get a Baseline: We’ll begin with a practice that can help you build your self-awareness and your understanding of where your thinking and your stories are right now. (Think of this as your own personal discovery phase.)

2. Give yourself an A: Inspired by Benjamin Zander's practice, this exercise encourages you to envision your success in changing your storyline. Write a letter to yourself, dated a year from now, where you reflect on what you’ve achieved and how you’ve grown. Describe your accomplishments in detail and how you overcame challenges by rewriting your narratives. For those of you who are fans of Amazon’s working backward method and product press release, this is similar.  Create the vision that you’ll work towards.

3. Build an Experiment: Now it’s time to start to make your vision a reality through building an experiment (putting another product skill to work). This practice comes from the book “Connected” by Carole Robin and David Bradford who encourage you to start small with 15% experiments to test new stories.

Watch Out for Gotchas

When you're doing this work, I want to make sure you're aware of a couple of gotchas. 

• Focus on your own stories: Everything we’ve covered here is about how you can think about your stories and rewrite those endings. That's because you can't change other people's stories. Don't sit there and say, “I see my boss is acting the hero and I'm going to help them change.” It doesn't work that way. The change has to come from within. You can't change someone else's story, so focus on your own. 

• Avoid System Stories: Don't get caught up in your system story, which refers to the culture or organisation you're working in. This is super hard because it's around us in every way, shape, and form every day. You fight it best by making your own storyline positive and moving it above the line.

• Build a team. This takes practice. Know that this isn't going to happen overnight, and I encourage you to get some support along the way. Get those trusted critics -colleagues and friends who won’t sugar coat the truth - lined up to support you. Talk to your partner about it. Get a coach if you can, because this is the change that we love to help people accomplish! 

In summary

Your story is up to you! By learning to identify your stories and their patterns, understanding their purpose, and consciously deciding to rewrite them, you can invent new possibilities for yourself and those around you. Your product skills are going to help you do that. As always, let me know what I can do to help!