How to Talk to Someone Who Just Doesn’t Get It

This is an excerpt from Being an Effective Value Coach: Leading by Coaching People to Add Value For Themselves and Others by Al Shalloway and Paula Stewart

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Listen to an audio summary of this chapter here.

We have all had the experience of someone being hard to convince when the evidence is clear. It could be a co-worker, a manager, or someone who reports to you. A negative attitude often accompanies this, making you think this person is a jerk. But the moment you throw up your hands and label the person a jerk, you lose all hope of them changing their mind.

An approach of not judging can often help, which I have often used as a coach and trainer. Ask yourself, “What would an intelligent, motivated person be looking at (or not be looking at) that would have him/her take this position?” In other words, pretend that they aren’t a jerk or belligerent.

There is more power when you believe you are talking to a motivated, intelligent person, even if they are not, than to think you are talking to a jerk. In my experience, people coming across as belligerent usually just look at the situation differently than I do and don’t know how to have a conversation about it. Sometimes, they feel threatened in this situation. Sometimes, so would I. 🙂

We must ask, “How do I reach this person?” instead of believing they are unreachable.

This attitude can give you insights into what to do. You can discover what thoughts they are having that are holding them back. By thinking of them as smart and capable, how you speak and listen to them significantly changes. Even your energy changes. People respond to how you are being with them.

Don’t tell the person they are wrong in their thinking. Instead, ask them why they are thinking this way. Engage with them; don’t judge them. They will often tell you what they are looking at.

It is very often the case that talking about differences of opinion is difficult, but talking about the reasons for what we believe is not as difficult. Such a discussion often leads to great insights for you and the person you are talking to. Be prepared that it could be you looking at the wrong things. Your willingness to learn creates better energy and helps the person improve their attitude. Admit that it may be you that needs to learn something.

Maybe Something Is Missing

We must remember that our ability to connect the dots may be because we’ve got more experience or have been down this road before. Because we take pride in what we know, we often attribute this to a lack of ability in the person we’re coaching. Good coaches will see if they can bridge the thoughts needed to reach a reasonable conclusion. Again, judging the person being talked to as unable to get there is not helpful.

Taking a learning attitude opens lots of possibilities.

Of course, sometimes you will encounter people more interested in arguing than learning. I suggest this occurs less frequently than you might think. I have seen this just a few times in my years of consulting. Just remember, you cannot control anyone’s thoughts.

The bottom line is you have more power when you accept that people are good and want to learn. True power is not achieved by controlling others. It is in helping others see what is in their best interest and how to achieve it.