How to Say "No" When You’re Asked for Help

Whenever I tell people CuriosityBased has developed a workshop on how to ask for help, many want to know, “Does the workshop cover how to say “no” to when people ask me for help?” 

It reflects how many people feel awkward or bad if they need to say no. So they opt to say nothing at all. This is especially true during this season of solicitations for holiday giving. 

Behind every request is a person. Even if that person is a stranger to me, I like to give "acknowledgement” as my form of respect, even when the answer is no. If I know the person, I will start my “no” with something like, “Thanks for thinking of me.”

I often get people thanking me for my response of no. It's hard to ask for help, even if it's your job. Getting a “no” still helps the people asking feel acknowledged, seen, and heard. I recently asked friends and acquaintances to contribute to a fundraising campaign for a nonprofit they had benefited from in the past. When I sent another reminder to those who didn’t initially respond, one person took the time to let me know he no longer believed in the current strategic direction of the organization. I was surprised and asked him to clarify, though I made it clear I honored his refusal. I learned a lot from his answer. I genuinely appreciated the way he acknowledged my efforts. I much preferred this “no” to getting no response.

Here are different ways you can say “no” to requests for help. 

• “No and Good luck”. For example, “I won't be able to give. Good luck!”

• "No" with an explanation. It's an opportunity to let people know what you focus on - a mini promotion for the causes you do care about. For example, I've said, “I don’t contribute to national political campaigns. I reserve my political giving to first-time candidates of color running in local and state elections” or “I won’t be able to give because my giving is already focused on Leadership Tomorrow and Social Venture Partners Seattle.”

• A conditional "no". This is a “no” because of a particular obstacle. But if they can remove that obstacle, I can help. This usually comes up for me around transportation. For example, I got asked to speak in-person at an event for aspiring entrepreneurs. I said, “I can do it if you can give me a ride to and from the venue.” They removed the obstacle and I was able to say yes.

• A “no" with a counteroffer. Say “no” to what they are asking for and offer something you want to do instead. Leave it up to them to agree to the conditions. For example, I got asked by a friend to attend a fundraiser for her nonprofit. I said, “I don’t go to fundraising galas anymore. I’m willing to host a dinner party for six other people in my home, so you can offer this dinner as an auction item at the gala to raise money. I will need one of your team members to help me cook, clean, and co-host. Oh, and you’ll need to provide the drinks.” They said yes and I had way more fun than if I were to attend their gala.

I hope these tips help you when you need to say no when you get asked for help.

Instead of feeling guilty or awkward and then ghosting when you can’t say yes, just say “no” with kindness.

Relevant links:

• “How to Say “No” to Your Boss/Co-worker” (video)

• “How to Say “No” to Your Friends or Acquaintances” (video)

• “How To Say No” on Hidden Brain (podcast)

I’m Dr. Julie Pham and I founded CuriosityBased to help people practice curiosity in the world, starting in the workplace, because that is where we spend most of our waking hours. Subscribe to the CuriosityBased YouTube channel and to our weekly newsletter for helpful communication and relationship-building tips and updates on community workshops, like "How to Ask for Help."