how to listen : Words are the ingredients and sentences their recipe Part 2 of 4

Last week,  retired police sergeant Kevin Briggs explained how he listened to adjectives when people were planning to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco

As part of this series on how to listen, a quick reminder about noticing how it is said.

Speech and language offer a palette of colors. Colors have range, intensity, and vibrance. They can blend to form subtle and nuanced variations. They can also be black and white.

This is true for a conversation. You can be speaking in blue, they can be speaking in red, and the dialogue blends the two colors, forming purple.

Like color, language has patterns, opposites, and combinations. When listening to the word patterns, you gain insight into how the speaker uses vocabulary to make sense of their world. Their speech pattern is how they translate the world into their unique words, sentences, and stories.

This is an excerpt from the upcoming book - how to listen - discover the hidden key to better communication.

In the next three weeks, we will explore these patterns

• Language: the syntax of the dialogue—adjectives and pronouns
• Preferences: the way they portray their history and ideas
• Time: their relationship to the past, present, and future

Let's explore adjectives and pronouns

Thoughts through language

Language is the way two or more parties communicate. It is a shared experience. It is formed, transmitted, and received. It does not exist in isolation. When people communicate using language, it’s influenced by family upbringing, education, community, and culture, and, as a result, these patterns are unique.

Language has form and structure, and the key influencing factors are how people use adjectives and pronouns to describe their ideas.

People use adjectives and pronouns in unique patterns.

These patterns help you understand how the speaker relates to the issue and expresses their perspective.

This layer of language is like a regional accent or dialect. Although you are both speaking in the same base language, the way you communicate specific concepts varies subtly or dramatically based on the participants’ familiarity with the dialect.

As the listener, you need to be aware of the adjective and pronoun patterns of the speaker; otherwise, the conversation could be laden with the weight of misunderstanding. This misunderstanding could lead to frustration. As a result, listening starts to take more effort and becomes less effective.

Adjectives

Adjectives are words that describe objects or issues. They typically describe nouns. Patterns in adjectives emerge in the way people describe issues. Adjectives might be used to explain the energy, shape, or size of a problem. Notice when adjectives form patterns, as it will provide an insight into the preferred communication style of the speaker.

A project is a group of people and resources with an expected outcome and timeframe. Yet, people can use adjectives to describe the identical project in very different ways.

The Project

During a client assignment dealing with a six-month engineering quality improvement project, I was asked to assist the group in creating a shared understanding. I asked them to place one or two words to describe the project into a sealed envelope.

These are the descriptions I read out loud to the group from the words in the envelope:

 The complex project

The costly project

The draining project

The duplication project

The frustrating project

The high-profile project

The never-ending project

The political project

The unnecessary project

You quickly get a sense through the adjectives about where the gravity was in this project.

As important as it was for me to understand their current state of mind, it was more important that the group understood how they felt about the project.

The adjectives described how everyone was feeling in relation to the project, rather than the project itself.

We spent the next ninety minutes discussing the shared understanding of how the group felt, rather than rushing to solve the issue and fix the project. At lunch, one of the participants asked me for a private discussion. She explained how revealing it was that everyone felt safe to tell the truth anonymously to a sealed envelope, yet there was not enough trust in the group to speak up and listen to each other.

She asked, “What do you think that is about, Oscar?”

I said, “Would you feel comfortable asking the group this question after lunch?”

She said, “No.”

I realized I had much work to do and had only touched on the surface issues in the project. The list of words did not mention it, yet every adjective pointed out the absence of trust. The undiscussable was not being discussed.

If you know what to look for, it’s possible to spot language patterns, even in a workplace setting. Anthropologists study cultures and patterns of human behavior, comparing universal and subtle differences in human societies, especially in the construction and expression of language and its patterns.

Michael Henderson is an anthropologist specializing in corporate cultures. To understand and explain corporate culture more effectively, he contrasts ancient civilizations and modern workplaces. I asked him, as an anthropologist, what he listens for in workplaces. Here’s what he said:

The adjectives are road signs in terms of which direction the person is coming from or which direction the person is attempting to go to. By listening to those repeatedly, you get a sense of their worldview.

 By listening very carefully to the language and repeated patterns, you can bring this to their attention.

You can listen to complete discussion with Dr Henderson

Adjectives can be signposts in complex systems and team situations.

Pronouns

Pronouns are linguistic shortcuts to describe someone. They may include I, you, she, he, it, they, their, them, us. Pronouns are useful shortcuts to understanding the speaker’s orientation. When their attention is in, it’s about me: I, my. When their attention is out, they are more likely to be using we or us.

The three layers of orientation to notice are me, we, or us. These will vary based on the issue, and the relationship. The speaker can use pronouns that signal self (me), other (them), or system orientation (us).

 ·        Self-orientation: me, I, mine

·        Other orientation: we, them, team

·        Systems orientation: us, organization, community

Chase Hughes has trained many in the defense, police, and intelligence services. He explained the importance of being aware of these orientations:

Whether you’re watching The Bachelor or you’re in a business meeting, listen to the words that people are using.

If I want to communicate better, I’m going to listen to the type of pronouns that you use.

I’m going to listen to whether you talk about self, teams, or other people. If I ask you, “Oscar, how do you like doing this podcast?” and you say, “Oh, it’s great. I set my own hours. My work is fantastic,” that’s self pronouns.

If I ask you the same question and you say, “Running this podcast is great. I’m interacting with my fans on a regular basis. I’ve got a fantastic audio editor. We really work well together,” that’s team pronouns.

If you would like to listen to the full interview with Chase Hughes

Hughes’s point is essential and straightforward.

Rather than focusing on one or two specific pronouns, notice clusters and patterns across the pronouns. Listening for the pronouns will provide clues about how to ask questions that may create a different perspective.

If they’re stuck in a monologue and you notice through their pronouns that it’s a pattern focused on me, ask them a question from a different perspective: we or us. If it’s a team or project that’s stuck in an internal pattern, invite an external view. It could be in a different industry or country. Often, this will create the circuit breaker they need to listen differently to the next steps. Holding a mirror to their patterns can create an observation, insight, or a-ha moment, or it can reset the discussion.

Be careful: you can get lost or misread a situation if you become fixated on only noticing a narrow language component. It is a trap. Rather than analyzing every adjective and pronoun continuously, make it easier for yourself and just notice if they change the use of pronouns.

Listening to the patterns in their language—the adjectives and the pronouns—will help you maintain your focus when you get distracted.

This is an excerpt from the upcoming book - how to listen - discover the hidden key to better communication.