How to Get out of the (Self) Blame Trap

What is your recurring complaint? Or someone else’s frequent complaint that you keep hearing again and again? 

Why do we complain and blame (ourselves and/or others) even when it doesn’t seem to solve anything? Why do we still do it? 

Blame, criticism, and verbal attacks (directed towards self or other people) usually make the situation even worse. Yet, many still do it. Even when it may escalate situations and does not address the problem in a healthy, sustainable way.

So why do we do it when it's harmful? To ourselves, our relationships, our health, and performance?

Blaming ourselves (others) and criticizing ourselves (or others) over mishaps, mistakes, and pain actually makes sense from the survival perspective. 

When something happens that our body’s threat-defense system (aka the reptilian brain) perceives as a threat to our survival, it sends a signal to the body to release cortisol and adrenaline and we get ready to fight, flee, freeze or please. It helps us survive physical threats. 

However, the challenges we face in the workplace and at home are usually not physical in nature (unless your job is a firefighter, for example). They are mostly threats to our self-image and self-concept.

"When we feel inadequate, our self-concept is threatened, so we attack the problem - ourselves"

The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook

And these types of "threats" can be in our modern world everywhere. On social media, in the board room when someone rejects your proposal or you get interrupted by speaking, or when someone says something disrespectful and you get triggered... You get the picture.

Unless we stop the vicious cycle of being in survival mode, our physical and mental health will suffer, our performance at work will suffer, and our relationships will suffer.

Unless we stop the vicious cycle of being in survival mode, our physical and mental health will suffer, our performance at work will suffer, and our relationships will suffer. The culture in your team will become less inclusive, and less safe for people. Your team's motivation, performance, trust as well as retention rates will suffer.

Let’s just take our communication on social media as a simple example. 

Does our post get many likes and comments? Oh, the dopamine hit feels oh so good. Give me more! Life with these feels great and fun. 

Our post gets just one like, and it’s the one we gave it ourselves? Here may come fear. Anxiety. Doubts. And with it judging, criticizing, blaming - self, the others, or the world.

The reptilian brain’s reactions: 

Let's use our previous very simple example that all of us here on LinkedIn might relate to on some level and go a bit deeper.

When things don't go the way we want them to (here on LinkedIn or any other situation where things go worse than we wish) and the survival instinct kicks in, here are some possible ways we may react:

• Fight (blame, complaints): Oh no! Is it my fault? LinkedIn’s? My friends’ who don’t care apparently? Who's to blame for this?! Is it my content? Am I just not good enough? Not *** enough? Oh, I should have posted something else! Or at a different time? Oh, stupid me….  (Feelings: anger, shame, disgust, jealousy, muscle tension) 
• Flight: Nobody pays attention? To hell with this. I’m not going to post anymore. Bye, LinkedIn. Bye, those of you that don’t appreciate me here and see how brilliant the stuff I post is.  Alternative - oh, let me not embarrass myself any more, and let’s rather not post anything. (Feelings: fear, shame, anxiety, depression. self-pity)
• Freeze: What should I write/post instead? After two hours of trying to compose a post… still not getting anywhere… (Feelings: blank, exhaustion, body feels suddenly very heavy, drop in a heartbeat, muscle tension, unable to think clearly or make decisions, feeling sleepy)
• Please: Let me like other people’s posts. Maybe they will come back and like mine! (Feeling: anger, self-pity, sadness, resentment) 

Now I used just a silly example around LinkedIn posts to keep this lighter for the weekend (posting this on Sunday). 

But even on the weekend, I still invite you to pause! :) And reflect for a moment.

What has been something that triggered YOU this week and which one out of the survival strategies did you end up going through? 

What has been something that triggered YOU this week and which out of the survival strategies did you end up experiencing? 

• Was it blame, criticism of self, or others? (fighting self and/or others)
• Was it postponing the difficult conversation or the dreaded task? And saying “I’ll do it next week”? Anything else that you are late on that you keep avoiding? (Flight - avoiding, procrastinating, numbing by eating, Netflix watching, etc.)
• Was it lying in bed unable to sleep because of worry, uncertainty, or anxiety? (Freeze)
• Or was it saying YES to someone’s demands even when your whole being wanted to say NO? (Please)

What is the reaction that comes up the most often for you, when the reptilian brain hijacks your thinking (scared for your survival), pushes your higher wise self aside, and gets behind the decision-making wheel?

Noticing and knowing this about yourself can help you catch yourself faster and reclaim the wiser part of you back faster.

So, how to get your higher wiser self (that cares also about thriving, not just surviving and that can actually get you there) behind the decision-making wheel again?

How to get your wiser self back behind the decision wheel

When you get hijacked and judging and blaming yourself or others, or feeling any other survival response that just brings your stress hormones up, stop. Take a mini break. Stop that conversation before that part of you who acts out of survival says or does something that may be harmful.

Start with compassion. 

We don’t have just the remnants of the reptilian brain, we luckily have also a mammalian system. And we have a survival instinct of caring. Starts with parents caring for their infants. 

When the care system gets activated, oxytocin (the love hormone) and endorphins (natural feel-good opiates) are discharged. And we may start experiencing a feeling of safety, security, and release of stress as a result.  

And just like with babies, when we are adults, we receive comfort & sense of care through different senses. Soothing touch and sound may be the strongest ones for many people. For some, the smell of your favorite perfume may bring a sense of ease with it and calm down the stressed-out system. 

Next time, when your reptilian brain hijacks you and you catch yourself in one of the survival modes - see if you can reconnect with yourself first, and show care to yourself.

It could be by placing your hand over your heart. It could be by taking three deep breaths and really sensing your body and even feeling your heartbeat with your hand. The Positive Intelligence Mental Fitness Training program (that @MindFittery delivers) has multiple practices that can help you and your team or family members shift from the reptilian brain back to the wiser, calmer part of ourselves (and our brains). For some yoga practices work. For some, it might be taking a bath after a stressful day. 

Don't Settle For Less

Don’t settle for less by getting stuck in the survival responses of our reptilian part of the brain. (all of us have it). You deserve more out of life and in your work. 

You deserve to feel good, joyful, and vibrant in your personal and professional life. Safe and happy, valued, loved, and respected in your relationships. 

My wish for you and all of us is that we embrace and understand our physiology and how it is interconnected with our behavior and feelings - and that we learn the strategies to bring back our wiser, kinder, peaceful selves - out of care for ourselves as well as for others. 

What is one strategy that works for you to calm yourself down, comfort yourself, give care to yourself? 

What might be one new strategy you might try today before going to sleep?

Some possible inspiration: 

• The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff, PhD and Christopher Germer, PhD
• Taking three deep breaths
• Putting your hand on your heart
• Rubbing your fingers against each other with such attention that you can feel all the ridges and become present with your body
• Taking a walk 
• Listening to your favorite music
• Listening to guided meditation 
• Spraying your pillow with a lavender scent or something that you love 
• Having a long hug with your significant other, heart on the heart, without speaking, just feeling each other 
• And going to your other favorite PQ (Positive Intelligence) practices that build the muscle of your wiser kinder caring self to get faster and easier out of any stressful hijack and be able to feel calm, laser-focused and come up with solutions that help you thrive, not just survive. (learn more & download our brochure on this program and how it can help you and your team)