How do we become better?

Many of my networking friends here on LinkedIn are focused on job performance. Being at ones best is simple, yet difficult.

It's simple because humans have the ability to choose what to bring their attention to. As long as we focus on what is useful to us and others, we can be efficient and resourceful.

The trouble is that our brains have been sculpted over tens of thousands of years to override any of our thoughts with a strong reaction to and focus on what it regards as a threat.

That was useful when we were hunter-gatherers, and today our brain works very much in the same way. As human biology evolves very slowly, whereas our reality has dramatically changed - especially the last few centuries - such a function is not useful anymore, it is even detrimental to what we care about.

The good news is that it is possible to train our attention to focus on what we want, rather than being hijacked by our subconscious mind.

When someone criticises us, or we are being unfairly treated, we often get caught in the drama and react out of proportions. This is the inheritance from our ancestors playing games with our minds.

Attentional focus starts by gaining awareness about these games. We automatically create stories in our minds that justify our reaction in our defence.

It is difficult to gain this awareness as our way of reacting has become natural, it is part of ourselves, and happens without us giving a second thought about it.

It is even more difficult to change these reactions, as we need to dig a bit deep and look at emotions and situations that we might find uncomfortable. We all avoid taking that peek.

The way we can gain awareness about our behaviour is by reflecting on it. Was I at my best today? How did I react to challenges? To criticism? To unfair treatment? To praise? To compliments?

In this phase, we only look at the way we behave, not why. Then comes the phase of defining how we would like to behave. In an ideal world, how would we handle the above situations? How do people we look up to handle them? What is the outcome I hope for?

One of the biggest challenges in changing behaviour, is that we can only change our own behaviour, not other's. Which means that if we behave according to our ideal, and others don't, what does that make us? Push-overs? Weak? Idealists? Naive?

The only way to change other people's behaviour is to model that behaviour ourselves. If we want someone to stop criticising us without reason or treating us unfairly or disagree with us, we need to train ourselves to stay out of the drama.

A good way to achieve this is by asking a question, for example "What do you mean by this?" and asking with a curious tone, not a defensive or aggressive one.

Such a question offer two major benefits:

It obliges the other person to reformulate. Language being stored in our conscious mind, speaking is a much slower process than an emotional response. Hence, our discussion partner have to explain their thoughts by slowing down. This often makes them realise they could or should have expressed their opinion differently.

The second benefit is of our own: asking a question gives us time to gain awareness of what is going on, and avoid getting hijacked by our emotions. We can then skilfully engage in a constructive discussion.

You may ask yourself: how can I be attentive and focus all the time? Is that even possible? No it's not. Which is why we must try and possibly fail daily to improve our focus and manage our own reactions to tend towards our desired behaviour.

Most people don't have a desired behaviour. And as the saying goes, if you don't know where you want to go, the path you choose does not matter.

What is your desired behaviour?

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Arne Blom is a leadership and team coach. He is certified by the International Coaching Federation.

© 2024 Arne Blom