Getting resistance when you give feedback? Try these tips.

These newsletters are intended to be just-in-time information to help you have great interpersonal communication and relationships. The focus is based on common challenges expressed by my clients. This week, a common request is help to think through how to give feedback in complex situations. 

Part of what makes giving feedback challenging is that the person has a blind spot about how they are showing up or they are rejecting the feedback because it doesn't align with their agenda.

Giving great feedback can:

• Help people grow
• Show you respect and believe in them
• Uncover blind spots that can impeded growth
• Align agendas
• Reduce workplace drama
• Increase accountability

Today's newsletter offers four tips to help you navigate the challenges of giving feedback.

Tip #1: Ask permission

Sometimes people aren't ready for feedback. Maybe the person had a child who kept them up all night, or they are looking for another job, or they are defiant and couldn't care less. No matter what the reason, there is little point sharing feedback if the person is not ready.

The idea of asking permission is the first opportunity for you to assess the person's readiness for feedback.

Asking permission could be as simple as:

• Hey - do you have a second to talk about the meeting yesterday?
• Would you like some insight on that?

If the person declines, you have a few options: 

1. Let it go and forget about sharing the feedback.
2. Ask for a later time when it might be good to give feedback.
3. Explain "the why" behind your motivation to share the feedback.
4. Keep the door open by putting the ball in their court and saying something like, "If you change your mind, find me."

How the person responds tells you about their engagement. If they embrace the feedback, you have a nice opportunity to slather on positive feedback. If they decline the opportunity to grow, there is a tougher accountability discussion ahead.

Tip #2: Be specific

In order to be specific, you have to slow down your spin and pinpoint the feedback you want to share. Consider the root cause of the issue at hand. Once you pinpoint the root cause, you can spring forward into the future.

Too much feedback risks: 

• Muddying the message
• Overwhelming people and they then shut down
• Paralyzing progress
• Creating defensiveness which causes people to get stuck

Getting specific will help the person wrap their head around the feedback.

Tip #3: Apply the feedback to their larger purpose

Applying the feedback to the person's larger purpose is a great way to show that you see that person, you understand their purpose and you want to support help thrive.

In the table below, you can see how relating the feedback to the person's bigger purpose (left column) is a perfect frame for the direct feedback (right column) that may follow.

Tip #4: State facts

Another way to keep feedback from backfiring on you is to speak in facts, not opinion.

Feedback givers often start off feedback with statements like, "I think ____" which sets you up for grief. These "I think_____ statements" are opinion, not fact. 

Opinions are problematic because opinions are an easy way for people to wiggle out of accepting your feedback. 

Opinions are also personal. Personal feedback can hurt because it is critical. We all naturally shy away from things that can hurt, meaning that people will shy away from accepting feedback if the feedback is delivered in a way that hurts us, no matter how innocuously the was feedback was intended.

Facts, conversely, are harder to reject and easier to accept because they are objective.  

Check out these examples of opinion- and fact-based feedback below:

In my consulting work, I've observed that my clients who slow down to think about how they want to deliver feedback, and plan what they say, develop their skills at an exponential rate. In other words, your skills become much stronger, faster, if you intentionally think about how you are going to give feedback. 

Remember - delivering positive feedback uses these same tips. 

Check out this video for more details about these four tips.

Your skills will become sharper, faster, when you have a trusted sounding board to think through what you are going to say and how you are going to deliver your feedback. Feel free to hop on a call with me to brainstorm the best way to support the growth of those around you.

Kerri

Kerri offers training, coaching, team development, and leadership round table groups.

She is comfortable facilitating messy conversations, shifting mindsets and holding leaders accountable to shine like the North Star.

Kerri has published in peer-reviewed books and is currently working on a book capturing the inspirational stories of leaders and how they statistically measure their growth.

Check out her YouTube channel, for more leadership and communication tips.