Emotional self control probably doesn’t mean what you think

But it’s an essential skill for leaders right now.

Critical decisions, unexpected challenges, and emotionally charged situations are part of the job for today’s leaders. If you’re feeling the weight of it all, you’re not alone. In times like these, emotional self-control—sometimes called “emotional balance”—becomes essential.

Often misunderstood as hiding or suppressing emotions, self-control is actually about handling our reactions productively. Rather than bottling things up, it's a skill that helps us stay calm and focused, allowing us to remain fully present and engaged with our teams.

Emotional Self-Control: What It Really Means

At its core, emotional self-control is the ability to stay grounded and responsive rather than reactive in stressful situations.

Dr. Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ and one of the leading experts on the topic, defines emotional self control as:

“the ability to remain calm and clear-headed during a stressful situation or crisis.”

In other words, it’s about navigating emotions—not ignoring or denying them.

This skill is especially relevant for leaders as the world around us continues to bring complex challenges. From fluctuating markets to social shifts, we’re all exposed to a range of stressors that can keep our “fight or flight” response on high alert. This heightened sensitivity can amplify our reactions to perceived threats, even when they’re minor. Emotional self-control helps keep this response in check, so we can maintain clarity and focus.

The Impact of Emotional Self-Control on Leadership

As a leader, your emotional state has a powerful influence on your team. If you’re stressed, anxious, or reactive, these emotions can easily spread to others, creating a tense environment. Practicing emotional self-control doesn’t mean ignoring the real challenges—it means setting the tone for calm, constructive responses that help everyone stay focused.

Here’s how emotional self-control and emotional intelligence can support you and your team:

1. Modelling calm and resilience: Your actions send a message about how to handle adversity. When you show that it’s possible to navigate stress without losing focus, you encourage others to do the same.

2. Fostering trust and openness: Emotional self-control helps you respond rather than react. This creates a safe space where team members feel comfortable sharing concerns or seeking guidance.

3. Improving decision-making: When you’re able to step back from immediate reactions, you gain clarity. This helps you make thoughtful, long-term decisions that benefit the whole team, even in uncertain times.

4. Encouraging resilience: By handling stress in a balanced way, you reinforce a culture of resilience. This signals to the team that setbacks can be managed and overcome, inspiring them to approach challenges with optimism.

Building Emotional Self-Control: Practical Tips

Developing emotional self-control is an ongoing practice, but small steps can make a big difference, especially in a turbulent environment. Here are some strategies to help:

1. Pause and breathe: When emotions run high, taking a few deep breaths can reset your response. A short pause allows the prefrontal cortex—the brain’s rational centre—to catch up with the amygdala, helping you stay calm.

2. Identify and label your emotions: Naming what you’re feeling (“I’m nervous,” “I feel disappointed”) helps reduce the power of emotions and increases self-awareness, making it easier to respond constructively. If this is difficult for you, using a tool like the visual guide to human emotions above can be incredibly helpful.

3. Practice active listening: Sometimes, listening without judgment allows others to express their concerns without feeling judged. This helps you respond to team members with empathy, building trust and stability within the group.

4. Focus on what’s within your control: In uncertain times, it’s easy to get bogged down by things outside your influence. Focusing on what you can control—your response, your decisions, and your interactions—will help keep your energy centred and productive. To better understand what is in your control and what’s outside of it, try reflecting on your Sphere of Influence. This exercise encourages you to clarify where to direct your efforts, allowing you to stay grounded and effective even when challenges arise.

5. Reframe stress as growth: Viewing challenges as opportunities to strengthen your resilience can turn stress into a source of motivation. When you see obstacles as learning experiences, you cultivate a positive mindset that supports your leadership goals.

Emotional Self-Control as a Resilience Tool

In times of uncertainty, emotional self-control is more than just a leadership skill—it’s a resilience tool. It allows you to handle challenges constructively, helping you stay adaptable and focused, no matter what comes your way. For your team, it demonstrates that while the world around us may be unpredictable, we have the power to control our responses.

I regularly work through emotional self control and other aspects of emotional intelligence with my leadership coaching clients. Does this sound like a skill you’d like to improve? Get in touch to learn how we might work together through one-to-one or group coaching engagements.