Dangerous People Welcome

Characteristics of potentially pathogenic people – troubled people who trouble others

"The problem is not with their beliefs, as much as with how they function with those beliefs. They gain power in failed immune responses (as they are allowed to willfully dominate through relentless intimidation) and can be chronically litigious people (even assassin like). They mummer and disrupt people and systems, yet there is hope – but empathy and compassion will never promote health within them. They must be put in a position of choice, they have to adapt and must be consistently confronted as the troublemaking bully they are want to be." - Peter Steinke

+ they tend to be easily offended (injustice collectors) and are slow healers, they also have a victim attitude while blaming others without taking personal responsibility

+ they can have a parasitic quality in their bonding with others and are quick to fuse with people and quick to crucify people in their sphere of influence

+ their intentions are often “innocently provocative” – and pathology is a byproduct of doing what comes instinctually (naturally) to them

+ they have a linear view of life – dualistic black and while formulations – with an inability to tolerate differences and recognize the systemic nature of reality and its ultimate relational connectedness

+ they tend to focus on procedure/ritual (while being stuck on content issues) and can’t see the surrounding emotional processes that are spawning

+ light and truth can be toxic to them, and they thrive in darkness and smoke screens and confusion

+ they are driven by reptilian brain behavior with a high degree of reactivity, and a narrow repertoire of responses, and of course are deadly serious

+ they have no memory, or ability to laugh at themselves, and don’t learn from experience

+ they can ooze into, if not willfully interfere in relationships with others while being extremely

+ they can spook the herd into a stampede and panicked group think while ramping up contagious anxiety

+ they are essentially invulnerable to insight and come at people with a vengeance when their authority is challenged

Leadership through Self Differentiation – the Universal Antidote

Working with Difficult People:

1. Self-regulation – internal process of getting centered, focused, grounded, and clear about who we are at the level of true SELF.

2. Self-definition – external process of defining self to others…telling others who we are, regardless of their feedback (good, bad, indifferent) “defining the hell out of ourselves” so others don’t end up defining us (including our boss, parent, lover, etc.)

3. Connection – remaining connected to others as we get clear with them about who we are, establishing boundaries, while being flexible, non-anxious (able to give and take, forgive, and be playful), also able to change and adapt as necessary for growth and development.

Key – We can only try and control our own behavior (this is our response-ability) realizing that we can’t will change in other people. (especially if they aren’t motivated to change).

Emotional – means primarily “instinctual” behavior, built in, structured into what it means to be human….we share this with all reptiles and animals…basic built in survival mechanism of fight or flight.

During anxious times – we instinctively activate the lower parts of the brain and tend to lose the ability to stay in the cortex (thinking cap of the brain) and reason our way through the challenging times with others (relational binds, tough conversations, important disagreements).

During challenging times – refer back to top 3 steps and make a strategic plan to implement while coaching your-SELF to follow the plan, being prepared to make appropriate adjustments as necessary while you negotiate and navigate with significant others in your system (boss, co-worker, client, etc.).

One page Action Plan – briefly outline what you will and won’t do (with the focus on what you really want)….be prepared to describe this, define this, and defend this with integrity, desire, passion and conviction. Be prepared to give this to the other party (boss, co-worker, etc.) and then be prepared for a time of testing, resistance, sabotage, etc., as they test your resolve and try and pull you back into the old, familiar way of doing business.

Key – they typically need you more than you need them, and will bend and flex if you stand your ground with consistent behavior that recognizes their best intentions for you and the team and the organization.

Dangerous – this makes you a “dangerous” person, able to take full response-ability for your own behavior, while accepting whatever reaction comes your way…..they won’t know whether to fire you, promote you, or just ignore you….remember you can only control your own behavior and will consistently be tested to see how serious you are in changing the dynamics of these difficult relationships.

Key – you have everything it takes to stand firm, you have ENOUGH of what you need to show up and implement your plan accordingly!

Forgive quickly – and often….and don’t take things personally, while keeping in mind that reptiles have no memory, eat their young and aren’t very playful….RELAX…and enjoy the challenge.

Negotiate Well:

Trust yourself – be strong and recognize your potential, embrace it, go after it, don’t back down or be turned around, stand Your ground (make no apologies for being determined).

■ Strategic thinking - with a target time schedule for desired results (be patient and firm, but not stubborn) Target decision date _______________.

■ Respect and honor the decision makers (continue to listen to their input) – respect and honor your Self (listen to your response) and speak the ‘truth’ you know.

■ Speak the truth you know with humility – not demanding, or defending, or explaining or comparing, just defining with clarity.

■ Define your Self – tell everyone what you know, what you want, what you see, where you are going, who you are, what tremendous value you bring to the company, while highlighting the great results you have produced in your current job responsibilities to date.

■ Win without causing others to lose face – we don’t want to humiliate anyone, (they are probably each looking out for their own best interests and politically negotiating their own careers too).

■ Don’t try and explain your feelings – or defend your position, or hope they will understand your reasoning, instead always focus on clearly stating your vision (hopefully it serves the overall objectives of your employer).

Know what you ‘want’ and what you ‘need’ – in the negotiation process know your bottom line, what can you give up? (your ‘wants’) to get what you ‘need’ (your threshold for reaching a mutual agreement).

Keep exploring your options – continue letting other corporations know your availability and talent (ongoing process over time) and be ready to negotiate with them also (know what it would take to get you on their team).

■ Say no – with calm clarity, as often as necessary with integrity and respect, (don’t settle for anything less than your bottom line – what you ‘need’), especially when their behavior doesn’t line up with what they are saying to you.

■ Say yes – to the decision makers best intentions, when their actions/behavior match their words/intentions….(we can see behavior, but sometimes only hear words that have no grounding in reality, no connection to what they are saying).

■ Be prepared – to face the consequences of your decisions to disappoint the decision makers above you, and the consequences of disappointing your Self too…..what determines whether we made a good or bad decision is often determined by how we deal with the consequences that it generates.

■ Nothing is certain – we live in a dangerous world, and we have to live with uncertainty and ambiguity all the time, this requires that we embrace risk, be prepared to take decisive action, and lead the way by going first, which is what all influential and dangerous leaders do.

To all the dangerous emerging leaders in Ukraine.....

I a say CHEERS!

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