5 Mistakes I Continue To Make in My Marriage
Gretchen Rubin
6x NYT Bestselling Author | Host of the "Happier with Gretchen Rubin" Podcast | Order "Life in Five Senses," out now in paperback
One theme of my happier-at-home project is marriage.
I have five particular problem areas in my marriage. Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them, though they remain challenging:
1. Demanding gold stars. I'm a gold-star junkie, and my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars--and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated.
In response, I now think more about doing things for myself. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him – “He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I fixed the schedule” etc. – then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things for me. “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do things for myself, I don’t expect him to respond in any particular way.
2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse – but my husband doesn’t like it when I snap at him. He’s funny that way. Many of my resolutions help me keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to maintain reasonable order, because clutter makes me crabby; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient; I try not to make my (supposedly terrifying) mean face. Confession: I’ve worked on this issue relentlessly for years, and I fly into brief-but-hot rage at least once a week. At least.
3. Not showing enough consideration. Studies show that married people treat each other with less civility than they show to other people — definitely true for me. I’m working hard on basic consideration, such as not reading my emails while talking to him on the phone. Very basic, I know.
4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” — that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency.
First, I remind myself of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. I complain about the time I spend paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car.
Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.”
5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easy to overlook chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws. For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that’s really a wonderful trait. I try to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances.
What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any useful strategies for addressing them?
--Speaking of relationships, if you'd like to make your relationship more loving and warm, join the 21 Day Relationship Challenge. Learn more here. In just three weeks, you can take concrete, manageable steps to deepen your relatioships.
(Photo: Driek, Flickr)
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8yThanks for sharing the blog. So we should avoid the mistakes we do in our marriages. Hopes the readers should follow it. Keep sharing the interesting marriage stories with us.
LEDFactoryonline
11ybut my grilfriend want to buy lots of things,I hope she save money and times!
Actress, Author, Creative Producer, Infrequent visitor to LinkedIn.
11yWhen I want appreciation from my husband, I tell him exactly what I want him to say. He says it with pride, as if he made it up himself, I say "thank you!", we laugh uproariously, it works, and then life goes on. It's hilarious. If you're waiting around for your husband/boyfriend/any man in your life to come up with the right words himself... you might be waiting forever and creating an inevitable state of disappointment inside yourself. Life is too short. Have some fun with the ridiculousness of men and women living together... Best. Comedy. Ever.
Retired as an Associate Teaching Professor at Penn State University, Abington campus
11yOkay, so one should stop expecting praise or recognition, always concentrate on his virtues, and cheerily ignore when he lets you down or doesn't pull his weight in the household. Good heavens, what is this Good Housekeeping circa 1955???
Free lance writer, editor, and writing coach
11yI'm sitting at the keyboard, stunned, wondering how you know me so well. Reading this article was a dire reading of an article about myself, plus my husband shares many of the same qualities with your husband. Jim was looking over my shoulder (which I hate, but this was not the time to remind him) and he chuckled and commented that NOW he understood: it's a red-head's kind of thing.