You Belong Here: How to Make People Feel Safe to Be Their Best, Take Bold Risks, and Win

Introduction

Are you a psychopath?"

That’s the first thing Diane asked me when I proposed the idea of writing this book with her.

Whaaat? Are you kidding me? I responded. In my thirty-year career, I had never been asked that question. I didn’t even know what a psychopath was. I just knew it was something awful—someone who lacked a conscience or compassion—the stuff that serial killers were made of. But I was only mildly shocked by the question because Diane is known for her unconventional style and uncompromising candour. She was also smiling as she observed my bemused expression.

A psychopath is someone who lacks empathy. They’re often superficially charming, but they’re morally vacuous, impulsive, insensitive to the needs of others, and they don’t care about the impacts of their own actions, including punishment, Diane explained. "And believe it or not, they comprise about 12 percent of corporate leadership." She also made me take a psychopathy test that required me to rate myself on statements such as:

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Most would describe me as charming and nonchalant—I can turn my charm on and off like a faucet.

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I do what I want, when I want, the moment the impulse strikes me, regardless of what others want.

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If something goes wrong or turns out badly, it’s not my fault.

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Every person for themselves; I don’t see the point in feeling sorry for other people and have no desire to help others.

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I have no problem or concern in lying in order to get what I want.

I was relieved to report that my scores showed I was the opposite of a psychopath. In fact, I care way too much about the feelings of others. I second-guess whatever I say because I’m afraid to offend or disturb people. I’m compelled to please, even to my detriment. Like most people, I need to feel like I’m connecting with people, not alienating them. My desire for approval feeds my need for social belonging—even with people I’ve just met. As a professional nomad who makes a living by literally going from company to company coaching their team members, I need to establish an immediate rapport with each organization. Even though I’m an outsider, I need to feel part of the groups I’m with, even if it’s only for a short while.

Diane’s reason for asking the question was that, in her multiple roles as psychiatrist, businessperson, and entrepreneur, she has worked with a few people who turned out to be psychopaths. It was always a deeply disturbing experience. Above all, she wanted to feel safe with me as her partner in this literary venture.

Is it safe? is the fundamental question we ask ourselves, often unconsciously, before we engage in any activity—or at least we should. While we may hold differing definitions of safety, most adults want to protect themselves from danger, hurt, or loss. Even those people who consider themselves risk-takers (like Diane and me) also consider themselves disciplined planners—or they seek advice from knowledgeable consultants. Except for the most reckless people, risk aversion or mitigation is a key shaper of our mindsets in every aspect of life—financial, social, and physical.

You must feel safe in order to feel you belong, so the twin themes of belonging and safety will permeate the pages ahead. There is safety in numbers, especially when you’re with people you like and trust. Belonging brings its own kind of security and stability. It promotes a sense of personal well-being and a desire to play at one’s best and do what’s best for the team. On the other hand, being compelled to spend time with people you don’t like or trust is its own special kind of hell. At some point in our careers, we may have to endure this affliction, but our sanity depends on getting out of it fast.

The safety that we discuss in this book is not the false safety of inertia, which comes from staying in your comfort zone. It’s the safety that comes from belonging, which gives you license to take risks and be your best, secure in the knowledge that you’ll be rewarded for your courage. If you’re a leader, you’re accountable for creating this kind of culture—where people are encouraged to stretch their capacity and swing for the fences, even if they strike out. As Thomas J. Watson, former CEO of IBM, said, If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Paradoxically, belonging and safety create the willingness to take bold risks and win. In its July 21, 2023, issue, Newsweek asked some probing questions on this subject and came to the following conclusions: "What happens when a company pays its employees fairly... promotes equality and diversity and cultivates a culture open to new ideas? What if it also provides a comfortable environment while encouraging career development and work-life balance? These key employee satisfaction touchpoints foster a sense of belonging and optimism. Employees at these companies like their work and people who like what they do are more motivated and engaged... Experts say employees who like their work are more productive, and these employees have lower turnover rates. By staying at companies longer, loyal employees contribute to organizational stability and consistency. Ultimately, this enhances the bottom line."

A Unique and Unlikely Partnership with a Purpose

I met Diane for the first time in August 2018. Along with eight other leading psychiatrists, she was a member of a focus group that I conducted for a leading pharmaceutical company. As someone who has suffered from clinical depression, I was more used to being a patient than a facilitator. Yet there I was—orchestrating a conversation on the future of psychiatry in Canada with the professionals who could make it real.

Diane was the only female psychiatrist in the group. She was also the most vocal. In what I later learned was her signature style, she displayed curiosity and authority in equal measure. She alternated between challenging and supporting me throughout the five-hour conversation. In the late afternoon, when people’s attention began to flag, Diane became even more engaged. That’s when I knew I wanted to write a book with her.

At the time, Diane was completing her landmark book on understanding depression. In classic Diane directness, she called it This Is Depression. As someone who is deeply familiar with the disorder, I found it both enlightening and cathartic. She blends humanity and humour with evidence and anecdotes to create a remarkably accessible read. If you or someone you love is battling depression, this is the one guide that will help you through the darkness.

This Is Depression was published in 2019. Shortly after that, Diane assumed the role of chief neuroscience officer at Telus, a leading Canadian telecommunications company. In that position, Diane played a leading role in developing and supporting Telus’ mental health business going into the pandemic. The pandemic proved her prescience, as demand for remote care exploded, which was how she’d approached her clinical practice for several years.

In 2021, with generous support from Telus and a committed team of professionals, Diane launched her own start-up called RAPIDS—an innovative technology designed to provide psychiatric guidance to clinicians and improve the quality and accessibility of psychiatric care. As a side hustle, she also launched an award-winning podcast called Blindsided together with ex-NHL goaltender Corey Hirsch. It explores the impact of mental illness through the experiences of professional athletes, showing that mental health struggles know no economic or demographic bounds and do not discriminate based on apparent privilege. I will warn you that it is a searing series of stories that will shake you to your core before it lifts you up again.

In June 2022, I connected with Diane again and proposed the idea of this book to her. After I passed the psychopathy test, she enthusiastically embraced the project. Our skill sets complement each other perfectly. I’m the motivator, marketer, and trend spotter. Diane is the scientist, academic, mental health activist, and medical professional. We also share a robust irreverence for the status quo and a love of learning—while laughing. We both seem oddly fascinated with the other, perhaps because we process and share ideas in our own, mutually idiosyncratic manner, so we both approached our weekly virtual conversations with excited anticipation.

Inertia Is Not an Option—and Neither Is Indifference

Most importantly, Diane and I are out to make a positive impact on the world. For us, inertia is not an option—and neither is indifference. The ideas, insights, prompts, and provocations we put forward in the following pages are designed to spur you into action.

At a time when people feel more alone and alienated than ever, perhaps the most valuable thing you can do is help others to feel like they belong. If you can help someone feel like they’re connected, valued, supported, loved, trusted, and capable of greatness, they will reciprocate, royally. In fact, one person can be a community to another person. Most of us remember a person who was there for us when we really needed them. That person might have appeared at just the right time to welcome us into a new environment, shepherded us through a difficulty, inspired us as we faced a new challenge, guided us through a crisis, or restored our faith after a setback. They helped to build the bridge between who we were and who we wanted or needed to be. They restored our belief in the goodness of others.

Canadian soccer legend and Olympic gold medallist Christine Sinclair said, We’re not going to be the best until everyone feels like they belong, so that’s the type of leader I try to be.

That’s our mission: to guide you to be a leader that makes people feel like they belong so they realize their full potential, become their best self, and pay it forward, helping others to do the same. In our book, a leader doesn’t mean someone with command and control over others. It means someone who influences and enhances the lives of others by example. In other words, someone like you.

As you continue to read, you’ll notice that, despite being a book about belonging, we often highlight the importance of mental health. That’s because your success at work, success as a leader, and success in life are highly influenced by your mental health. And if it’s suboptimal, you won’t function at the level that allows you, and those you support, to prosper.

Like many aspects of our lives, mental health exists on a spectrum. While many of us consider ourselves mentally healthy, we all have times when we feel highly stressed or under pressure, whether at work, school, or home. Sometimes that stress keeps us from performing optimally at work or from being the partner, parent, friend, or colleague we know we can or should be. Sometimes a constellation of factors can lead to a severe mental health problem, such as clinical depression. We want to share insights you can use to address challenges, wherever you are on the mental health spectrum, to keep you healthy or move you back toward optimal mental health.

There is never one reason why someone develops a mental illness like depression. There are many factors, including genetics, brain chemicals, such as hormones and neurotransmitters, our childhood experiences, and our current environment. While all are important, Diane believes that strong social support is one of the greatest protectors of mental health—and scientific research backs her up.

Your mental health is a function of the environment in which you live. You become the company you keep. Healthy, happy people create healthy, happy communities. If you feel like you belong where you are, you’re motivated to give more of yourself. You feel safe to open up and reveal more of yourself. You’re willing to risk more of yourself on behalf of your stakeholders because you know they’ve got your back. Even when you experience moments of conflict, you know they’re temporary because of people’s commitment to each other. Based on our combined research and experience, Diane and I believe that a sense of belonging, together with the feeling of safety that comes with it, is essential for a person’s overall feeling of well-being and empowerment. One is not only the loneliest number, it’s also the least effective.

Conversely, experiencing poor mental health is by its nature isolating. When someone is severely depressed, they often feel utterly useless, worthless, and hopeless. How can you feel like you belong when your brain is telling you such cruel lies? Knowing you belong comes with a sense of value, worth, and hope. If your mental health is not at its best, you won’t feel like you belong and you won’t be able to help others to feel like they belong.

Where We’re Going and How We’ll Get There

As you can see, this book is written in the first person. I’m narrating the combined insights that emerged from the dozens of conversations between Diane and me, from June 2022 to July 2023. Everything you read in the following pages is a fusion of our collective effort. The book has five parts:

1

Creating Belonging in a Hybrid World: We’ll begin by exploring what it means to create a sense of belonging through our language, mindsets, and behaviours, especially in a hybrid (in-person and virtual) environment.

2

Growing Enriching Relationships: Then we’ll share how to grow relationships that foster engagement and connection while they enrich everyone involved.

3

Owning Your Power: We’ll then introduce you to the great psychological paradox: you become more like the people with whom you spend the most time, but the only person you can control is you. You’ll learn about your remarkable capacity for change, how to reprogram your brain, and how to reassess your past so it supercharges your future.

4

Winning on the Brink: Then we’ll explain why you must take yourself to the brink of burnout in order to create breakthroughs with others. We’ll also coach you on how to prevent yourself from going over the edge while you help others down from the ledge.

5

Showing the Way: We’ll then share how you can intentionally become an icon of resilience, integrity, and safety who inspires others to achieve similar status—resilience is something you can learn, build, and share. And we’ll give you a simple blueprint for creating a future that ensures the best days are always ahead.

Part I

creating

belonging

in a hybrid

world

1

Speak the

Language of

"You Belong

Here"

You belon g here.

Of all the compliments you can pay someone, You belong here may be among the greatest—especially if the place or situation is integral to the other person’s well-being. The greater your authority or status in the eyes of others, the more meaningful the phrase becomes. It evokes an instant response of delight and gratitude. It also stimulates curiosity regarding your reasons for saying it.

Recently, I facilitated a three-day conference for an organization called Bluum, a large company that provides technology solutions to schools throughout North America. After the first day, one of the senior attendees approached me and said, You belong here. You talk and sound like one of us. I can see why you were hired. That’s all I needed to hear to be even more confident for the remaining two days.

Belong may be the most emotive verb in the English language. It’s both the cause and effect of happiness, love, belief, and the realization of one’s dreams. It’s essential for feelings of safety, comfort, and joy. It refers to time, place, culture, relationship, and mindset. It’s the difference between laying down roots and looking for somewhere else to go. Its absence condemns one to a life of fear, suspicion, and isolation. It’s an essential aspect of the human experience.

We’re living in a peri-pandemic environment that is rife with alienation. As a leader, no matter what your job title is, your role is to make others feel like they belong. Until someone feels connected by a common bond or purpose, they won’t feel safe. They’ll be afraid of messing up and being embarrassed or humiliated, and all of their energy will go into preventing that from happening. It’s only when they feel part of the clan that they’ll be able to fully express their gifts and maximize their contribution. A single sentence or gesture can free people up to be great or constrain them, so they become defensive in order to protect themselves.

What does belong mean to you? Here are some of the things it can express:

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To be a member of a club, organization, or set

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To be attached or bound by birth, allegiance, or dependency

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To have the right personal or social qualities to be a member of a particular group

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To be happy and comfortable in a place or a situation

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To have the same interests, values, and ideas as other people

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To own something, have a right to it, or be responsible for it

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To feel an obligation or commitment to someone or something

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To be included or embraced by a group or organization

Belonging is a language all of its own. If you speak to people in a way that makes them feel they belong, they will be drawn to you because you never make them feel less than or other, only equal to. You’ll never speak down to them, only up to them. You’ll be a walking