I Danced with My Mother

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1

R obbie’s life had been a roller coaster with the biggest ups, deepest downs, and curves steep and sharp like the edge of a knife. As a child he had gone through more than most adults encounter in a lifetime. Raised by a single mother of four children, Grace, worked three jobs to care for them all. It was her choice in men though, that had the biggest impact on their lives and their futures. So much of the drama that traumatized them then, still impacts their lives today. The worst of it started when Robbie was four years old. At that very young age, he was the second oldest of the four children, but carried the most responsibility. The family lived in what most people considered the bad part of town otherwise known as the hood. Their dilapidated two-bed room house had holes in the walls, with roaches all over the place, floorboards so rotted that they would creak and crack, crumbling walls, and plastic covering the cracked windows for insulation. There were drug dealers and prostitutes roaming the corners, conducting their own brand of illegal business at all times of the day. Shootings, stabbings, fights, drug busts, and robberies were so much of a daily occurrence that it was something they became accustomed to.

Grace’s work schedule required her to have to leave all four children home alone at times. She would try her best to find childcare for them, or friends and family to look after them but the people she found were usually unreliable and all together bad influences. Most of the people Grace would find to care for them would leave home alone, to go out and party. Sometimes the babysitters would invite their friends over to the family home and make the children go to their rooms without eating.

Food was scarce at times, Grace and her children were on welfare, so the cheese, peanut butter, and rice given to them by the government were staples in their daily diet. They would go to the local Department for Family Services to stand in the long lines and carry the boxes of things they were given as they made the long trek home. What made the walks feel even longer was when they occured during extreme weather conditions, walking in the rain, or braving the hot sun for miles resulting in blistered hands and feet.

Grace was a strong and tough woman, so she always gave Robbie and his siblings’ tough love. She had also been the oldest of her 3 siblings and she carried most of the responsibility when she was growing up. She was also very close to, her mother, who had kidney issues but would babysit the children occasionally while she worked. One day, during Grace’s shift at work, her mother went to sleep, with the oldest two children lying with her, and she never woke up. She had been dead for hours, by the time Grace came home from work. She came into the home to see her two toddlers sitting quietly beside their grandmother’s cold body. Grace went into a rage and it changed her forever, it was like she had no emotions, or feelings, like she’d lost the ability to love. She loved her children, she would go on to have two more, but it was like she’d gone numb.

Robbie and his siblings basically grew up in the streets, while Grace worked all day and night they took care of themselves. Robbie was responsible for having the siblings fed and in bed by the time Grace came home. The children barely saw her because she was out running the streets, partying and working. In the midst of the turmoil, Grace routinely dated men who were looking for everything but love. She didn’t care though, because she wasn’t looking for love either. Until she finally decided to settle down with a man that the children thought would be good for her. Everything was awesome at first, his name was Anthony. Like many men, he started doing what all the right things to get what he wanted. He wined and dined her, made her feel special, he spoiled the children, and they were all so happy that Grace decided to marry him. They didn’t realize at the time, but this would be a decision that would impact them all for life.

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S hortly after the marriage, things began to change. There was no more wining and dining, no more being nice, or spoiling the children. His whole persona changed, he began to get angry for no reason, started to yell at them, taking away the gifts that he’d bought, and treating the children like they were nothing. Grace was so in love that she wouldn’t listen to the children when they tried telling her about the changes in Anthony. He had her mind blown to the point that she would do anything he asked of her. During this time, she also started whipping the children if they did anything that made him angry.

One day Anthony was in their bedroom asleep, resting before he needed to leave for work. He wanted no noise while he was resting so the children either had to stay in their rooms or keep the television volume very low. Robbie knew this about Anthony, but his favorite show, He-Man was on and so he turned up the volume and started repeating what his favorite character was saying. Anthony heard him enjoying the show, jumped out of bed, stormed into the room, turned the TV off and told Robbie to come in the room with him. Terrified, he didn’t know why Anthony wanted him to come into the bedroom, but he had no choice but to obey his orders. Robbie walked in the room and he was told to close the door. Anthony was sitting at the edge of the bed looking as evil as the devil. He said, What did I tell you to do when I am sleeping? Robbie responded, Be quiet or go to my room. Anthony said, Why didn’t you go in your room? Robbie said Because I wanted to watch HE-MAN. Anthony glared and yelled, Why are you laughing and having a good time, knowing that I have to go to work? Before Robbie could respond, saying I wasn’t yelling, Anthony slapped him in the face and told him not to lie again. Robbie, down on one knee, was stunned as Anthony took his belt and began to hit him in the back of his head with it as he screamed. Robbie’s siblings heard the screams and ran to their rooms to hide. After the beating, Anthony made Robbie kiss his knuckles, blaming him for the small cuts that resulted. He was then sent to his room, hurt and terrified. When his siblings saw him, they all ran to console him. The children were all so mad about what Anthony had done that they plotted to tell Grace when she came home from work.

When Grace arrived, she went straight to her room as she normally did to give Anthony a kiss and take her bath. When she kissed him, he told her that he whipped Robbie for being disrespectful and that she needed to handle him. So, Grace, in rage ran into the children’s room turned on the light and told Robbie to get up. She asked why he had been disrespectful, Robbie tried to explain, even showing her his bruises. She responded by telling him not to watch TV again while Anthony was sleeping and made him go back to bed. As Grace walked out Anthony stood there looking at her like she was a fool. Anthony said to her Baby he disrespected me, knowing I had to go to work, I pay all the damn bills in this house and I demand respect! You need to discipline your child now! Grace said, Anthony you already whipped him, I told him that he can’t watch television anymore what else do you want me to do baby? Anthony said, He need to learn from you because you don’t whip him, so you need to beat his ass and teach him that he will respect the king of the castle! He stood there and looked at her as if he wasn’t willing to leave until she did what he said, so Grace begrudgingly whipped Robbie in front of him and as she did this Anthony smiled because he knew he had the power to get her to do anything that he wanted. Grace had a look of remorse and hurt in her eyes because she knew she had betrayed Robbie by turning on him to please a man. As she beat him, she had tears running down her eyes and when she was done she told him to go to bed. The other children stood there and watched in shock and disbelief that she would do such a thing. Robbie felt as if his world was coming to an end. Grace had turned on him for a man, he’d been whipped twice in one day and as she left the room Anthony said, Baby you did good, he is going to grow up a better man.

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A nthony was a very smooth talking and convincing man, he knew how to get Grace to do whatever he wanted her to do by telling her what she wanted to hear and giving her false hopes of love. The sad thing of it all was that, Robbie knew he was manipulating Grace and that he was not who he said he was. But she was so much in love that she was blinded. In her eyes, he was always right, he couldn’t do anything wrong, he was her king and she treated him as such. As time progressed things began to get worse by the day. The children went from being independent to feeling like they were living in a prison. Out of the four of them, Robbie was the one who got the worst. Anthony would wait until Grace went to work to start beating him. He always threatened that if the children ever spoke of it to anyone that he would kill them. Robbie wanted to protect his siblings from the beatings because he was the strongest. He knew that when Grace went to work, he needed to be the one that did something to make Anthony mad so that his siblings wouldn’t be targeted.

One day it was raining really hard and Grace was running late for work, so she had her youngest son, Jake, take her things to the car to save her time. He took her things to the car, but as he did, he ran through the mud and had gotten it all over his feet. Anthony was in the room pretending to be asleep when Jake came inside out of the rain and tracked mud all over the floor, thinking nothing of it. Grace had left to go to work, and the moment she drove off, as usual Anthony got up and went to the children’s room. Anthony said Who got mud on the floor? Which one of you nasty mother fuckers got mud all over his fucking floor. Robbie knew that if Jake admitted to it, Anthony would have beaten him to the point of no return. And he was too young to handle such a beating. So, Robbie quickly stepped up and said, Mr. Anthony it was me, I’m sorry it was me! He knew it wasn’t Robbie, because he saw Jake’s shoes, so he punched Jake in the chest and told him to go to stand in the corner. He then walked up to Robbie and put his hands around his neck, picking him up and tossing him across the room like a rag doll. As he lay there gasping for air Anthony kicked him in the stomach saying, Get your ass in his bed room right now, I told you about lying to me nigga! All of the children started crying, Jake was still standing in the corner hurt and in tears, Anthony had closed his bedroom door so that all they could hear was Robbie being tortured and yelled at. He was in so much pain and terror that he really didn’t realize what had just happened. Anthony stood over him and placed his right foot on Robbie’s chest, and said You think you are tough huh? Robbie responded, No Sir. He said, Nigga I know that you didn’t track the mud into the house so why did you lie to me I said, Because I didn’t want you to hurt Jake. He placed his foot and puts it on Robbie’s neck, applying pressure to the point that he couldn’t breathe and as he started to black out, Anthony released his foot, leaned in and said, I will kill you if you lie to me again nigga do you understand me. Robbie replied, Yes sir, and was told to get up and go and get Jake.

Robbie was a protector and there was nothing that he would not do to protect his family. So, he pulled away with angrily and said No!!!!!! I ain’t going to let you hit Jake again! Shocked and in anger, Anthony said You are right, I’m not going to beat him, you are! He headed towards the door, and Robbie jumped on his back. After being thrown off he got back up and went for his leg, biting down as hard as he could. Anthony kicked him in the mouth and busted his lip. Then he grabbed Jake, telling him to pull his pants down while forcing him onto the bed. He handed Robbie a belt and said, Beat your brother for tracking mud in the fucking house now! Robbie looked him in the face, blood still dripping from his lip, and said Mr. Anthony you can beat me all you want to, but you will have to kill me because I am not going to let nobody hurt Jake! Anthony took the belt, raised Jake up off of the bed, snatched his pants up and put the belt in his hand saying, Somebody is going to get their ass whipped, so you best better beat your brother’s ass right now! Jake and Robbie looked at each other and Robbie nodded his head to tell him it was ok. Then he pulled his own shorts down and bent over, preparing to be whipped. Anthony said, Go ahead boy make Robbie pay for your mistake! Jake started crying and raised the belt, striking him in the back. Robbie nodded his head for him to keep going and he struck him over and over again. Anthony was mad because thought Jake wasn’t beating him hard enough, so he snatched the belt away from him, telling him to go to his room. He stood there defiantly and refused to go until Robbie turned around to nod at him to signal for him to go. Only then, did Jake turn around to run out of the room.

Anthony closed the door, turned up the music and beat Robbie so bad that he could hardly walk. When the beating was over, he tried to leave the room but was locked in the closet while Anthony laid down to go to sleep.

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W hile Robbie was locked in the closet he could peep through the crack in the door and see Anthony sleeping peacefully, with no cares in the world. He hated him, and I wished that he was dead. He wanted to break through the door and find anything that he could get his hands on to bash his head in! At such a young age, Robbie had never thought about wanting to kill a human being in so many ways! Sitting in that closet made him think of so much. All he did was think until he fell asleep. As he slept, he heard the door open and Anthony told him to go to his room, saying, in a very calm voice, Remember what I said boy, remember what I said. When he made it to his room, Robbie passed by to see that his two sisters were sleeping, but Jake had been sitting up all night waiting for him. When Robbie walked in the room he hugged him tight, told him that he loved him and that he hated Anthony. Jake said that he wanted to tell their mother what had happened, but Robbie told him not to tell because she wouldn’t listen to them anyway. The children sat and held each other until they fell asleep. Robbie’s alarm clock went off 45 minutes after he and Jake had dozed off and it was time for him to get everyone ready for school. He was so stiff and had bruises all over his body, but still managed to get everyone ready for school before Grace came home. Robbie’s two sisters knew what was going on but they were too terrified to say anything to anyone. All they did was stare at him with tears in their eyes. Robbie made them wipe their tears before their mother came home and told them to act like nothing was wrong. When Grace got home she came inside of the house and the children except Robbie ran up to her to greet her with hugs and kisses. Seeing the hesitation, she questioned, Son what is wrong with you? Robbie responded, Nothing mama, I just hurt myself when I fell off the bed.

Anthony walked in and greeted Grace, saying Hey baby, I missed the hell out of you. She asked him how the children had behaved, and he responded, The kids they were good as usual baby, not a problem in the world. The children all just stared at him in the evilest way when he said that, knowing what he’d done and that he threatened Robbie with death if he told. This became a regular routine for them.

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A nthony felt that Robbie deserved to take the punishment for everything that anyone did, even Grace. There were so many times where he just stared at the boy as though he made him sick. He was bothered anytime he would see Grace hug Robbie or show him any kind of positive attention. It was as if he felt threatened by him because Robbie was the one who recognized that he was full of shit. He was using Grace, destroying her mind, luring her in emotionally so that he could do whatever he wanted to do and not worry about her going anywhere. Anthony was a man who had to have control, he wanted to be in charge of everything and everybody, and if he felt like he was losing control or there was something in the way of him gaining power he would do anything necessary to maintain his control. Robbie was very observant and realized about Anthony.

Anthony hated his own mother, he treated her badly and talked to her disrespectfully. He was a pathological liar, had been abandoned by his father, his mother was a drug addict when he was a child and he’d ended up in foster care. He was also a deadbeat dad, and an alcoholic. He had to have a 6 pack of Bull and Mad Dog 20/20 every day. He also smoked like a chimney, bit his nails, was very shaky and seemed as if he had bad nerves. In addition to those qualities, he also had bad hygiene and was always mad at the world. In Anthony’s mind, everybody else was always the problem. Robbie didn’t see what Grace saw in this sorry excuse of a man, but he was a kid and all he could do was love Grace despite her bad decisions. Robbie never understood why Anthony felt it was ok to do the things that he did. It was like beating him was a drug, so he needed to do it to get his high.

When Robbie made the honor roll which led to his being recognized