The Quotable A**hole: More than 1,200 Bitter Barbs, Cutting Comments, and Caustic Comebacks for Aspiring and Armchair A**holes Alike

Introduction

When our loved ones talk about their inane daily activities, we pay lip service to their incessant babble. When the barista screws up our coffee order, we convince ourselves that’s what we really wanted anyway. And when our bosses ask us to work on the weekend, we smile politely and thank them for the opportunity to spend more time away from our families. In a world overflowing with awful drivers, taxes, crying babies, and street performers, most of us have learned to bite our tongues. But some a**holes aren’t afraid to tell the rest of the world precisely what they think.

Throughout history thousands of a**holes have stood up in defiance of decorum and etiquette to denounce everything from friends and family to work and politics. You expect that behavior from characters like Winston Churchill, Joseph Stalin, and Mae West, but here you’ll also find quotes from normally nice guys who lost their cool. (After all, if you find yourself screaming at the moron who cut you off in traffic, how can you expect high-profile figures like Walt Disney, Mahatma Gandhi, and Princess Diana to be perfectly perfect in every way?) So whether you want to join the ranks of these irreverent a**holes or just laugh in shock (and maybe even a little bit of awe) at the outrageously inappropriate words they’ve spouted off, you’ll find what you’re looking for here.

Political satirist P. J. O’Rourke said that you should always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. The Quotable A**hole is not that book. But it is a place where you can embrace your dark side—and learn to love every overconfident, overblown, over-the-top a**hole comment that you’ll ever need to know. Enjoy!

PART 1

DEALING WITH DICKS

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people that annoy me.

—Fred Allen, American comedian

CHAPTER 1

FAMILY

Most people love their family members. They share your genetic material after all, and they shower you with unconditional love when times are tough. But just because a group of people are related to you doesn’t mean you’re thrilled with everything they do. Chances are, at one point or another, either your siblings or an errant uncle have shown up to an important event late, hungover, and wearing last night’s clothes; your kids have screamed I hate you!; or your spouse has overdrawn your bank account … or at the very least forgotten to load the dishwasher. But the good news is that you are not alone. In fact, while it may seem like you are the first poor sap who had to deconstruct his pool table to make room for his mother-in-law, billions of people before you have dealt with family dicks. Most deal with the situation with a well-timed eye roll or a blowout that quickly blows over, but some a**holes take things to a whole other level with quotes like the following:

The problem with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.

—DAVID GERROLD, AMERICAN SCIENCE FICTION AUTHOR

If you don’t believe in ghosts, you’ve never been to a family reunion.

—ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT, AMERICAN CARTOONIST

I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

–BILBO BAGGINS,THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.

—FRED ALLEN, AMERICAN COMEDIAN

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.

—FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

—GEORGE BURNS, AMERICAN COMEDIAN AND ACTOR

Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.

—MICHAEL LEVINE, AMERICAN AUTHOR

A family is a terrible encumbrance, especially when one is not married.

—PRINCE PAUL, OSCAR WILDE’S VERA, OR THE NIHILISTS

Santa Claus has the right idea—visit people only once a year.

—VICTOR BORGE, DANISH COMEDIAN

We’ve been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.

—ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT, AMERICAN CARTOONIST

Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.

—WILLIAM DEAN HOWELLS, AMERICAN AUTHOR

While there certainly isn’t a set of guidelines for grading fathers, you can determine a lot by their behavior. For example, a dad who takes his kid outside for catch and an ice cream is probably doing a pretty good job. But a dad who sends his son to the corner store with $5 and a note that says A pack of Camels for me and M&Ms for the kid might be doing it wrong. No matter where your dad falls on the spectrum, it’s important to realize that every father has his faults, and those faults shape us into the men and women we grow up to be, but some people haven’t been so polite about the issue… .

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.

—BERTRAND RUSSELL, BRITISH PHILOSOPHER

To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

—ERNEST HEMINGWAY

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

–JACK HANDEY, AMERICAN COMEDIAN

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a $100 and said, Buy yourself something that will make your life easier. So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

—RITA RUDNER, AMERICAN ACTRESS AND COMEDIAN

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

—RODNEY DANGERFIELD, AMERICAN COMEDIAN

My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

—SPIKE MILLIGAN, IRISH COMEDIAN

Most mothers spend a lot of time kissing boo-boos and reading bedtime stories. But for some a**holes, dear old Mom can seem more like Mommie Dearest. If you want to use these words to talk about your own mom, feel free. But be careful if you decide to go this route. You know how your mom reacts when you do something as small as not calling her for a few weeks. We can only imagine how the following will go over.

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

–CATHY GUISEWITE, AMERICAN CARTOONIST

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she’d have children if she had it to do over again. Yes, she replied. But not the same ones.

—DAVID FINKELSTEIN, PROFESSOR AT THE GEORGIA INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY

My second favorite household chore is ironing, my first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

—ERMA BOMBECK, AMERICAN HUMORIST

The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint.

–JAMES FENTON, ENGLISH POET

Damn you, vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

—STEWIE GRIFFIN, FAMILY GUY

My mother’s great. She has the major looks. She could stop you from doing anything, through a closed door even, with a single look. Without saying a word, she has that power to rip out your tonsils.

—WHOOPI GOLDBERG

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

—ERMA BOMBECK, AMERICAN HUMORIST

At present time, there is no test you need to take or a form you need to fill out in order to produce children. Either through calculated planning or due to inexpensive prophylactics, millions of people become parents every year. And rest assured, somewhere down the line, their offspring will have something to say about it.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

—SAMUEL BUTLER, VICTORIAN NOVELIST

If you’ve never been hated by your child, you’ve never been a parent.

–BETTE DAVIS

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

—P. J. O’ROURKE, AMERICAN POLITICAL SATIRIST

My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.

—CATHY LADMAN, AMERICAN COMEDIAN

Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.

—DR. SEUSS

Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.

—HAIM GINOTT, ISRAELI CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

—P. J. O’ROURKE, AMERICAN POLITICAL SATIRIST

Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for.

—OGDEN NASH

There’s no greater joy you can experience than holding a newborn child and knowing that this living, breathing extension of the heart was created through the miracle of life and love. This feeling usually lasts about fifteen seconds before said miracle spits up on your sleeve and needs a diaper change. In most cases, said child is handed back to his or her parents with a smile and a Don’t worry about it. But in some cases, that smile is followed up with a dry-cleaning bill and a comment like one of the following:

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.

–BILL COSBY

Having one child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

—DAVID FROST, BRITISH JOURNALIST

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.

–ED ASNER, AMERICAN ACTOR

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

—ERMA BOMBECK, AMERICAN HUMORIST

I married your mother because I wanted children; imagine my disappointment when you came along.

—GROUCHO MARX

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

—JERRY SEINFELD

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

–JOAN RIVERS

Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

—JOHN WILMOT, ENGLISH POET

If you wonder where your child left his roller skates, try walking around the house in the dark.

—LEOPOLD FECHTNER, AMERICAN AUTHOR

An ugly baby is a very nasty object—and the prettiest is frightful.

—QUEEN VICTORIA

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

—PHYLLIS DILLER, AMERICAN COMEDIAN AND ACTRESS

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

–BILL COSBY

Never raise your hand to your children—it leaves your midsection unprotected.

—ROBERT ORBEN, AMERICAN MAGICIAN AND COMEDIAN

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

—SPIKE MILLIGAN, IRISH COMEDIAN

I never met a kid I liked.

–W. C. FIELDS

No single convention has spawned such bitter hatred as the concept of in-laws, and rightfully so. It’s bad enough when a blood relative asks for a favor, but few things make the blood boil more than when your mother-in-law wants to join you on your anniversary weekend away or your father-in-law insists that he can fix your car better than your well-trained auto mechanic. And while you can’t say no, there are certainly plenty of other things you can say—or at least think—while you set your mechanic’s number to speed dial.

A relationship with your father-in-law is tough. You need to prove you can stand up to him, while being respectful. It’s like walking a tightrope, which by the way I can do, because I went to trapeze school.

—PHIL DUNPHY,MODERN FAMILY

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

—DICK CLARK

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, Get the hell off my property.

—JOAN RIVERS

American couples have gone to such lengths to avoid the interference of in-laws that they have to pay marriage counselors to interfere between them.

—FLORENCE KING, AMERICAN NOVELIST

Honolulu—it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.

—KEN DODD, BRITISH COMEDIAN

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said, Are you going to help? I said, No, six should be enough.

–LES DAWSON, BRITISH COMEDIAN

I should, many a good day, have blown my brains out, but for the recollection that it would have given pleasure to my mother-in-law; and, even then, if I could have been certain to haunt her—but I won’t dwell upon these trifling family matters.

—LORD BYRON

Of all the peoples whom I have studied, from city dwellers to cliff dwellers, I always find that at least 50 percent would prefer to have at least one jungle between themselves and their mothers-in-law.

—MARGARET MEAD

Adam was the luckiest man; he had no mother-in-law.

—MARK TWAIN

The only reason my mother-in-law wasn’t on Noah’s Ark was because they couldn’t find another animal that looked like her.

—PHYLLIS DILLER, AMERICAN COMEDIAN AND ACTRESS

When you think of grandparents, you may think of handknit sweaters and hot tea. Or porch swings and storytelling. But maybe, instead, you think of garrulous old men and women who don’t know how to use the Internet and can’t hear anything you have to say. But just because they can’t hear doesn’t mean you should say nasty things behind their backs … like the following a**holes did.

The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.

–CHINESE PROVERB

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

—EUBIE BLAKE, AMERICAN JAZZ MUSICIAN

Old men are dangerous: It doesn’t matter to them what