The Art of Cheating: A Nasty Little Book for Tricky Little Schemers and Their Hapless Victims

cheat #1

FAKING AN ORGASM

BABY, YOU’RE THE GREATEST

Rules of etiquette apply in all sorts of situations, and while Emily Post may never have weighed in on this particular topic, bedroom activity is no exception to the rule. Egos can be particularly fragile and emotions can run high while couples are in the throes of passion, and most people know that it’s just as important to make your partner feel good emotionally as well as physically.

This is easy to do when you’ve got the lover of the century who can be a relentless sex machine while simultaneously delivering sweet nothings in your ear. Sweet nothings that are a delicious melange of Penthouse Forum smut and Hallmark sentiment. Of course you’ll affirm someone who’s hitting the mark perfectly on a regular basis. It’s like playing tennis with a player who’s better than you. You feed off their game, they feed off yours, and so on and so on. What happens, however, when your lover is a dud? What’s a right-thinking person to do when his or her sweetie is so lackluster in the sack as to be yawn inducing? Even worse, what do you do when they know they’re a snore and keep trying (dear God) and trying and trying and trying? You get them to stop. And there’s one sure way to get anyone to simmer down and call it a night: fake that orgasm and beg for rest.

Sure, you could keep trying until you actually reach the final denouement, but if your lover is truly awful, it’s not likely that this is going to happen. You could try to show him or her what needs to be done, but if you’ve been going at it so long that the opportunity for the usual moment for release has come and gone, it’s best to relax and live to fight another day.

So go to it, people. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, where there’s a will there’s a way. Learn to fake it and get on with your life.

THE UPSIDE

Cheating of any kind can be a moral dilemma for most people. Even so, it’s much easier to rationalize small lies or lies of convenience, while the big ones can eat away at you. Faking an orgasm, for most people, falls squarely in the little white lie category. It can be argued that faking an orgasm is tantamount to saying that you love someone’s new acid-washed jeans, or that their poetry is the best you’ve ever heard. It makes the other person feel good and doesn’t really add any negative karma to the world—it’s a small kindness that greases the wheels of social (and sexual) intercourse.

Although a bit less altruistic, there are a handful of other (no less valuable) bonuses to cheating your way through a particularly unsatisfying sexual encounter. Getting some much needed sleep is generally the most popular response (and actually trumps the desire to spare a lousy lover’s feelings). Considering that at last count 62 percent of Americans are sleep deprived, calling it quits when the going gets too tough is a fairly sensible thing to do.

Reclaiming your valuable time and spending it well is another good reason to pull the plug when your libido isn’t showing any signs of life. Although Woody Allen once professed that even my worst orgasm was right on the money, many people these days beg to differ. Living in a nonstop world of work and family obligations has made most people value their time and keep an eye on the clock in a more serious way than ever before. So, at the end of the day, no sex can be better than bad sex. Given the choice of letting someone pull out all his or her lackluster stops, or catch up on a little reading (even watching a rerun of CSI), go for the reading. You’ll get more out of it in the end.

Finally, it’s time to call it quits when you’re so sore that you just can’t go on. Going numb from the waist down is a surefire sign that it’s time to gear up with your performance so that you can let your lover down easy. It’s great to know when you’ve had enough not only so that you can move on with your life, but you’ll also avoid a lot of discomfort down the road. So what’s the upside, exactly? Escaping the indignities of pulled groin muscles, rampant chafing, urinary tract infections, and emotional meltdowns, to name a few horrors that can come (or not come) from a night of fruitless tugging and rubbing. These are all avoidable perils for the covert faker.

THE DOWNSIDE

Obviously, anytime you tell a lie, you are potentially driving a wedge between yourself and your loved one. Honesty is the cornerstone of any good relationship, and any lie, no matter how small, could wind up biting you in the behind (and we know that’s probably what you wish your misguided lover was doing). Essentially, once your lover finds out that you’ve been faking it in bed, it opens the door for his or her imagination to run wild with other potential lies you may or may not have told. Why was the mailman so happy to see you this morning? What was up with that dental hygienist winking like that? The possibilities are endless. What seems like a good idea at the time (no more pulling, please!!) may wind up requiring more explaining and reparations than you’re willing to dish out in the long run.

Your attempt to save your partner’s ego could backfire. If you’re constantly faking orgasms to get out of going-nowhere sex, your partner will catch on. You’ll slip up somehow, and they’ll know that the last so many months spent in bed together have been less pleasure party and more your audition for a SAG card. What was initially designed to save your partner’s ego and alleviate all the aforementioned indignities of tolerating a bothersome boink will just make your honey sad and depressed and leave you in the doghouse.

The end result of all this? You’ll wind up alone again (perhaps not the worst fate if the sex was so awful), or, even worse, you’ll get dragged to sex seminars and couple’s therapy. Either way, sex should be fun, and the agita resulting from your little white lie will most certainly not be worth all the trouble. Unless you can pull it off.

TOOLS OF THE TRADE

There are very few props necessary to pull this off. All you really need is a few acting chops and a little chutzpah. You should, however, try to get your hands on:

1. Mirror

2. Ex-boyfriend or girlfriend

3. Condom

4. Kegel exercises

WAYS AND MEANS: HOW TO PULL IT OFF

1. GETTING YOUR GAME FACE ON—First things first. Do you know what you look like when you’re getting down and dirty? Be honest. Thought not—most people don’t. Unless you’re a happily self-aware narcissist or exhibitionist, and you’ve got a mirror installed in the perfect spot to check yourself out mid-shtup, you can’t even begin to think about pulling this cheat off successfully. As with all method acting (start to think of yourself as the Brando of the bedroom), you have to be as true to life in your actions as possible if anyone’s going to buy your performance. Assuming that you’ve had an orgasm at least once in front of your lover (even if you had to produce it yourself), you’ve established a baseline understanding of what you look like when you’re experiencing le petit mort. Any deviation from this will be a tip-off that you’re being less than honest about how much you’re enjoying yourself. So a mirror and a self-pleasuring session in the bathroom (time to pull out the Rabbit, ladies?) will clue you in to what grimaces, sexy pouts, or vacant stares you should be trying to replicate at the big anticlimactic moment.

2. THE GIFT OF GAB—Not only are people distinctive in the way they look during sex, but what they say is rather telling as well. There are legions of shouters, screamers, babblers, announcers, and criers out there who can shake your bedroom walls, not to mention the nerves of your neighbors. Then again, there are the silent types. These people could get it on behind enemy lines, and no one would ever be the wiser. Which one are you? Have you ever paid attention? Have you gotten feedback from former lovers (Why can’t you just be quiet? Speak up—I don’t know what you like!) that can guide you? Think about it, as a sudden shift from meowing to mute will tip off your bed partner to the fact that something’s afoot. You must remember to remain consistent.

3. A SPECIAL HEADS-UP FOR THE GUYS—As we all know, unprotected sex with a man will result in certain evidence of whether or not he’s had a satisfactory ending. Unprotected sex in this day and age is a bad idea to begin with, but it’s a particularly bad situation to be in if you’ve got to fake an orgasm. When you’re trying to get an unsatisfactory sexual partner off your junk and out of your bed, it’s absolutely possible to fake an orgasm using the right grimaces and vocalizations. But you’ll really seal the deal if the moment you’ve finished you race to the bathroom to pull off the condom, thus protecting your lover from the shattering news that your Trojan is as empty as the day is long. If you can’t manage this swift sprint from bed to bathroom, or aren’t using condoms, you do have one other possible excuse for your lack of spooge. Thanks to Sting and the constant flaunting of his tantric sex life, those in the know are clued in to the fact that men practicing tantric sex can redirect the flow of their genetic matter and actually avoid ejaculating altogether. If you happen to be a fast talker or particularly cool under pressure, go ahead and tell your lover that he or she was a participant in the most mind-blowing tantric sex session of your life. Of course there’s no evidence of your orgasm! You’ve internalized it for energy conservation and future hot loving!

4. LOVE LIFTS US UP WHERE WE BELONG—The wondrous effects of Kegel exercises have been touted by women for years. Having problems with incontinence? Do Kegels. Want to have an easier time giving birth? Do Kegels. Kegel exercises (aka pelvic floor exercises) consist of the regular lifting/clenching and lowering/unclenching of the muscles of the pelvic floor, resulting in a tighter hoo-ha and less likelihood that you’ll pee on yourself when you sneeze. Another fabulous by-product of doing your fifty Kegels a day, ladies, is that you can become a blue-ribbon orgasm faker. When a woman has an orgasm, there are internal indicators that coincide with all the external goings-on. That rhythmic inner clenching is a definite signal to whoever’s going spelunking in your lady bits that you’re having a swell time. If your benighted love monkey isn’t making that happen naturally, a few well-timed Kegels will convince him or her that the smile on your face is genuine and all is right with the world.

MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED

If you don’t give a fig for the person you’re in bed with, chances are you won’t bother faking it. If it’s a one-night stand who’s boring you to tears, it’s easier to just give them the boot and let a warm TV lull you to sleep. The best fakers are those who really care for the person they’re treating to this Oscar-worthy performance. These cheaters are motivated to keep their honey’s ego intact. Extra points go to those who have had a few acting classes (even workshop at theater camp counts), as they’ve probably worked on their technique a little. Not suffering from shame or embarrassment helps too. Once again, theater camp or talent show experience comes in handy. If you’ve ever had to tap dance in a leotard and bow tie to Puttin’ On the Ritz in front of a few hundred other middle schoolers, you’ll be able to writhe around a little for the good of your relationship.

CATCHING ORGASM FAKERS AT THEIR OWN GAME

Look into your lover’s eyes. Deeply. Does he or she seem just a little bored? Does that faraway look turn out to be, at closer inspection, an inventory of your ceiling tiles? Is your loved one’s passion for you still white-hot, or does it just seem, well, a little clammy? As The Shoop Shoop Song tells us, it’s in his[/her] kiss. You can check the bed for telltale stains, you can search for a full-body flush or deep inner clenches, but the only way to know for sure is if you’re in tune with your partner. If your sweetie seems bored, disinterested, impatient, frustrated, finicky, tolerant, or, even worse, bemused, it’s because they’re not getting what they came for (so to speak). How to solve this dilemma? Be brave and ask what’s wrong—then ask for instructions.

   Would I Lie?   

1

Researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands conducted a neurological experiment on orgasms in 2005 with thirteen heterosexual couples aged nineteen to forty-nine. One person lay down with his or her head in a scanner while their partner manually stimulated them, and the doctors took brain scans of each individual while they had an orgasm. They also had the women fake orgasms, so they could compare the scans. The results showed that in a fake orgasm, the brain’s motor cortex was very active, whereas during a genuine orgasm, the portions of the brain that control fear and anxiety were deactivated along with the motor cortex—meaning that actual orgasms are not conscious. For men, the most highly active areas of the brain were those that interpret touch.

2

Some orgasm-faking stats: According to the 2000 Orgasm Survey, 72 percent of women and 26 percent of men have faked an orgasm at least once, and 55 percent of men say that they can tell if their partner is faking. In a survey on Queen dom.com (answered by more than fifteen thousand people), 70 percent of women and 25 percent of men admitted to faking it at least once. Seventy-three percent of women say that they can tell if their lover is faking an orgasm, and 61 percent of men think that women can tell. While 55 percent of men claim to be able to tell if their partner is faking it or not, only 23 percent of women thought that their partners could tell the difference between their real and fake orgasms.

3

In a study about female orgasms, researchers Richard Alexander and Katharine Noonan argue that female orgasm is less necessary than the external sign of an orgasm, or faking it. The reasoning for this is based on a theory by William Bernds and David Barash (published in 1979), which correlates the rate of orgasm to spontaneous abortion and claims that the female orgasm was developed as an evolutionary strategy in order to kill the unborn infants of men from other tribes or invading countries who raped the local women. According to Alexander and Noonan, the woman’s gasps and moans are enough to alert her suspicious mate that she is carrying another man’s baby, so he will pleasure her to climax in order to induce an abortion. Hence, faking an orgasm is the only thing that makes evolutionary sense. Perhaps Noonan just needs to have real orgasms more often!

cheat #2

TAKING CREDIT FOR YOUR COLLEAGUES’ WORK

I LOVE YOUR WORK

Working hard to achieve your goals is, of course, the honest and upstanding way to go about that particular task. Toiling away for long hours and missing out on all the fun you could be having is, however, a less than appealing prospect. Finding a happy medium between these two approaches would solve the age-old question of how to work less but achieve more.

One way to accomplish this lofty goal is to take credit for others’ work at the office. If you happen to be a manager and have a rising star on your team, why bother burning the midnight oil if you know your personal workhorse is going to be pulling the project together with or without you? Let him or her do all the heavy lifting; you’ll just get in the way.

Taking credit for other people’s work may not be nice, but remember that nice guys tend to finish last. Being polite and getting out of the eight-hundred-pound gorilla’s way may be the way to behave if you want people to like you, but on the job it pays to be the eight-hundred-pound gorilla. The rules of polite society do not apply at the office, and what you might do on your off-hours to win friends and influence people will only get you run over in the rat race.

So go ahead, be a workplace bully, take credit for your colleagues’ work. Give no credit where credit is due, and put your name on every successful product you can. If you’re loud enough and obnoxious enough, no one lower on the totem pole than you will ever challenge you. You can thank them for their jobs well done and for their silence when you move on to a new (and better) company and position.

THE UPSIDE

By stealing colleagues’ work, you can claim to have skills and insights that are far above your own meager talents. This can lead to more recognition and, consequently, faster advancement in the company.

At most companies, advancement leads to better pay, more perks, and better bonuses. Better pay and the easier lifestyle it brings can lead to a happier home life, which in turn can make you feel more confident and productive on the job. It’s a cycle of well-being that you can create by cheating someone else out of their own on-the-job recognition and slice of the pie.

No one ever said office politics are easy.

THE DRAWBACK

Even if you don’t get caught, the pressure of having to seem like you can perform as well as the person you’re ripping off can be an unbelievable strain. It’s hard enough to do good work legitimately, but constantly tap dancing to cover your tracks when you’re lying to your manager and colleagues can wear you out fast. If you don’t have an outlet to release the stress, which could be anything from a therapist to a weekly basketball game, you’ll freak out. If that happens while you’re at work, all the cred you’ve built up by taking credit for others’ work will be for naught. This is no cycle of joy, but a chain of pain. Stress can kill.

If you do get caught, you’ll have to find another job. If you don’t get fired for your duplicity, you’ll still have a hard time because no one will want to work with you. Everyone will be too savvy to agree to cooperate with you on any project, and you’ll always be the odd person out, left holding the bag if something goes wrong. Have the good sense to move on with as little hubbub as possible. It’s also important to do it quickly before news about your actions leaks into your industry.

TOOLS OF THE TRADE

There aren’t any tools that are absolutely essential to pulling off taking credit for a colleague’s work. The only tool that you must have is your coworker’s report, charts, or spreadsheets that you intend to claim as your own. Other than that essential element, there are a few items you’d do well to get your hands on, as they’ll make your task a bit easier. They are:

1. Access to employees’ email

2. Printer

3. Golf clubs

WAYS AND MEANS: HOW TO PULL IT OFF

Now you’re ready to act like the shark you are. You’ve got your victim in your sights and your tools at the ready. Here’s how you can become the star of the office without breaking a sweat:

1. HAND IT IN—If you’ve got to hand in a printed report, be sure to be the one to do the handoff. If the document has to be emailed, make sure you’re the one to hit send. By taking control of information that needs to be submitted to your boss or manager, you can remove your team members’ names and substitute yours. If that isn’t possible, you could attach a cover letter that strongly and clearly implies that you’re the creative force behind the work.

2. FRONT MAN—Always give presentations for your team and do the talking for the group if you can. Anyone who takes the role of mouthpiece for the group will be perceived as the one who came up with the lion’s share of the work and is the innovator in the group. This is not so hard to do, as most people aren’t too eager to speak in public.

3. DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL—Another way to ensure your star status on the team is to be careful never to mention your colleagues by name. This also holds true if you are a manager, and you’re claiming credit for the group’s efforts. By keeping everyone as anonymous as possible in the eyes of upper management, you have a much stronger chance of being singled out for glory. The deserving employees can’t be singled out if no one knows who they are.

4. MANAGE UP—Not only should you keep others in the shadows, but you should definitely thrust yourself into the spotlight. The key to managing up is making friends with anyone in upper management who can suggest you for promotion or champion your cause if you get caught for any shady activities as you claw your way up the corporate ladder. This is where golf clubs (or similar sports equipment) come in handy. Find a hobby that you share with someone in management and work it until you’re best buddies. The people who get promoted first are usually the ones who shower with the boss at the club.

5. SCARE TACTICS—Start rumors and gossip among your colleagues and people who report to you about how difficult management is. If everyone is afraid of the upper-level staff, they’ll be less likely to try to create their own alliances. They’ll also be too nervous to report you if they clue in to the fact that you’re copping the credit.

6. NO WHINING ALLOWED—Another way to use the threat of difficult upper management to your advantage is to convince your colleagues that complainers are viewed with suspicion. It’s not unheard of for people in higher-level jobs to be wary of upstarts who are jockeying for their jobs. Use this fact to persuade those around you that anyone who reports a grievance will be dismissed as a troublemaker. Even worse, they might be thought of as a liar.

7. CONSTANT CRITICISM—Never, ever speak well of any colleague or anyone who reports to you in front of the people you want to impress. It doesn’t pay to incessantly bad-mouth everyone you work with, but kind words stick just as much as harsh ones do, and there’s no need to burnish anyone’s reputation but your own. A slow chipping away at your colleagues’ reputations won’t necessarily make you look great on your own, but you could look better by comparison.

MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED

If you’re the kind who could sell your grandma down the river to win just about anything, from a game of Monopoly to the corner office, you’re going to do well at this cheat. You’ve got to have major drive and a cutthroat sensibility to lie, cheat, and steal your way to the top. This is not for the faint of heart. The stakes can actually be really high when you’re trying to get a promotion, particularly when you’re not doing it in the most honest way possible. You’ve got to be ready to do the cheat and then stand by what you did if anyone tries to call you on it. This frequently requires bald-faced lying and denial. If you can carry it off, you’ll be in the office of your dreams, complete with huge windows, administrative assistant right outside, and expensively framed inspirational posters in no time.

CATCHING WORKPLACE CHEATS AT THEIR OWN GAME

How do you know if one of your employees is a snake? How can you tell if a manager who should be championing his or her team is stealing the credit? Even if no one comes to complain, there are telltale signs that all is not right with the world:

First off, if there’s one