FANTASTIC BEASTS… AND WHERE I FIND THEM!

EXCLUSIVE!

ASK any man what his dream job would be and you would expect him to say footballer, train driver or astronaut. But you’d be surprised at the answer you are most likely to hear… Cryptozoologist.

That’s according to RON PUSTULES – a freelance cryptozoologist and registered sex offender, from Trawden, just outside Burnley.

“People are constantly asking me how I got into the cryptozoology game,” chuckles 30-stone Ron. “The truth is, I’ve been fascinated by mythical beasts ever since my childhood, and it’s always been my ambition to track down, unearth and – ultimately – to understand these fantastical critters that live undiscovered in our forests, lakes, jungles and skies.”

Speaking to his local paper, The Trawden & Winewall Intruder, Pustules, 66, outlined the ins and outs of his unorthodox trade: “I’m sort of like the David Attenborough of animals that don’t exist,” the thrice-divorced father of ten explained. “These fabled creatures you might have read about in books – the Yeti, the Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster – are my bread and butter.”

“My aim is to build a cache of conclusive evidence for their existence via notes, photographs and video footage, in order to study their behaviour and anatomy, and then, hopefully, make a few bob by shooting them with a tranquiliser dart and flogging them to a zoo.”

Incredibly, many of