The antiquated idea that politics doesn’t belong at the dinner table is just that—antiquated. Some (*cough, cough* me) would argue it’s a riveting conversation starter. Yes, even on a date. Maybe even on a first date.
Now, I promise this isn’t an evil plan to sabotage your chances at finding love. Match’s most recent Singles in America survey reports that 46 percent of people said they actually would date someone with “very different” political views, which means only a little more than half want a partner with the same exact leanings. Take it as an opportunity to learn more sooner, instead of wasting four dates on someone before sussing out any deal breakers.
“Early conversations around contentious topics may save you a lot of wasted time! Alternatively, they may cement your initial positive thoughts on a person and leave you wanting to learn more,” dating and relationship coach Christiana Maxion says. “Either way, you’ll know where you stand. You don’t need to get into a debate with someone you’re not that invested in. Remember, save the energy!”
Why does this matter? Well, friends, we’re living in a contentious and ever-changing political hellscape—which seems a lot more like a simulation these days than reality, but unfortch, it’s the latter. Conversations on key issues right now—like abortion, following the SCOTUS decision that overturned Roe v. Wade, for example—are even more important to singles than where a potential partner falls on the political spectrum. Match found that 2 out of 3 women said they couldn’t date someone with opposing views on abortion, while 58 percent said a lack of open-mindedness on other hot-button topics is a deal breaker. That’s why it’s better to tackle this convo straight-on rather than wait and then realize you’re not aligned.
I’m not saying this can’t get messy. Hey, as human beings, we’re inherently messy. What I am saying (and what a few actual relationship experts are saying) is that it’s important to discuss your core beliefs even when it’s uncomfortable—especially if you’re looking for someone who shares your point of view.
“Some people may think that ‘taboo’ topics should be avoided on a first date, but that’s actually the wrong strategy if you’re looking for something real and long-term,” says eharmony relationship expert Laurel House. “Having these conversations can help you avoid getting hurt by someone who has deep beliefs that do not align with yours.”
Now that I’ve successfully convinced you (maybe? hopefully??) to talk politics before it’s too late—i.e., before you’re making up scenarios about them to fall asleep—here’s how to actually have the conversation in a way that doesn’t end with you angrily unmatching your date on the Uber ride home.
Understand Your Own Boundaries
Before jumping into the conversation, figure out what your deal breakers are. Establish how much weight you’ll put on your date’s answers and how they’ll impact the progression of a potential relationship. Maybe you’re fine dating someone with a different political affiliation as long as you align on the big issues, maybe you’re down for the challenge of lifelong tax debates, or maybe you’re looking for your ideological twin. There’s no right or wrong answer, as long as you have an answer.
“You really need to understand yourself, your own boundaries on these topics and—whilst being open to others’ views—know what exactly it is that would make you either walk away, or what you’d be able to see through and work together,” Maxion says.
Before bringing up politics on your first date, House suggests asking yourself these questions:
- Are you someone who feels fired up or triggered whenever politics are brought up in conversation?
- Do you have clear defined political beliefs?
- Maybe your political beliefs are not particularly important to you, but are you okay being with someone who does have very strong beliefs?
- Are you okay being with someone who likes to engage in heated conversations about politics at events, dinners, parties, or even just at home?
- Are you okay being with someone who is extremely vocal about their politics, even if you aren’t engaging in the conversation?
Remember to Listen and React Calmly—Even When You Don’t Agree
I know it’s easier said than done—trust me, I’ve gotten in my fair share of combative Thanksgiving dinner political debates—but it’s important to remain calm, cool, and collected when having these convos. Maxion’s recommendation is simple: Just listen.
“Do not jump down their throat if you have opposing views,” she says. “This is not a rally or a TV debate. You can listen and note if these opinions are deal breakers for you, and you can always walk away.”
House echoes this, saying it’s important to keep the conversation focused and non-emotional. In early dating scenarios, you’re building a foundation of trust from the ground up. Your date is much more likely to open up about their beliefs if you cultivate an environment for that. Flying off the handle at their stance on the climate crisis is a surefire way to *not* establish that safe space.
“You aren’t going to change their mind, and they won’t change yours, but staying calm allows you to think clearly,” she says. That clear thinking can help you better express your own opinions, understand their position, and find the clarity you’re looking for out of the conversation. Because in the end, that’s all you’re really looking for: clarity on whether or not you’re a good fit, period.
Lead With Respect and Lean Into Your Own Vulnerability
You get what you give. Offering your own vulnerability and respect—even if your date falls on the complete opposite side of the political spectrum—will hopefully result in vulnerability and respect from their side of the table too. After all, that’s what you need in order to suss out whether your Hinge match has the potential to be more.
“We’re all adults, right? Intelligent and thoughtful conversation is a great way to truly get to know someone better, and essentially we are all different with the freedom to think and say what we like, and we need to respect that,” Maxion says.
And don’t be afraid to own it! Even if your date opened up first, being confident and vulnerable about your beliefs when it’s your turn can eliminate that fear of judgment and might even help you connect further—yes, even if you’re not 100 percent aligned. House notes that more than half of people in relationships feel most loved when they feel emotionally seen by their partner. Shared political beliefs—or even, simply acknowledged political beliefs—can contribute to that.
Best case scenario, you move forward feeling comfortable and more connected based on shared values or the decision to agree to disagree. But even the worst case scenario—that you’re not aligned in some shape or form and it’s not a fit—is still a pretty good scenario. You’ve saved yourself wasted time by addressing your differences early on and are just one step closer to finding someone who *will* check those boxes for you.
Megan Schaltegger is an NYC-based writer. She loves strong coffee, eating her way through the Manhattan food scene, and her dog, Murray. She promises not to talk about herself in third person IRL.
