SURREAL

WHAT IS THE POINT IN ANYTHING We're sacking 2024 off. It's over. We're done. Nothing we do in the next two weeks matters. No point trying anymore. Oh sure, we could knuckle down and start preparing for January. Fast start. Hit the ground running. But that just sounds like effort. That's 2025's problem.

NOBODY PANIC But we only have 3 hours left to hit our targets for the year. 342 days of hard work, and it all comes down to this. Well, weekends don't count, so it's more like 242 days of hard work. Oh, and then there's holidays. And Bank Holidays. And sick days. And hangover days. And Fridays. 167 days of hard work, and it all comes down to this. Actually, we didn't work that hard in January. Or February. And in August it was too hot to work hard. Okay, look, 13 days of hard work, 329 days of not-hard-work, and it all comes down to this...

HOW TO LOOK LIKE YOU'RE WORKING ON THE DAY AFTER YOUR CHRISTMAS PARTY 9:13 - Post in one Slack channel (min 4 members) 9:14 - Have a nap 10:07 - Reply to one email thread (min 1 senior person) 10:08 - Second nap 11:17 - Fiddle about with 5 numbers in a spreadsheet 11:18 - Watch some day time telly 12:04 - React to three separate Slack messages with a 👍 12:05 - Have a sit down shower 12:26 - Send over one small piece of work 12:27 - Two hour lunch 2:34 - Reply to two email threads (min 1 featuring your boss) 2:35 - Screw it, third nap 3:22 - Send one final Slack 3:23 - Write today off. At least you tried.

THEY’RE PLOTTING AGAINST US And the whole breakfast table's in on it… Like any respectable business, we have a large network of spies. They normally just source office gossip and keep an eye on staff who are “working from home”, but now one undercover agent has discovered something. Something dark and sinister. A PLOT. A WICKED AND EVIL PLOT. It turns out our fellow breakfast items are out to get us. Croissants, toast, boiled eggs - they’re all in on it. Don’t believe us? Just look at this very real, and totally unscripted, footage we secured.

You probably can't tell from this incredibly stylish image, but we're currently hiring. If you've always dreamt of being the Category & Commercial Manager for the UK's 47th biggest cereal company then today's your lucky day - just check out the job listing on our page. And if you've never dreamt of being the Category & Commercial Manager for the UK's 47th biggest cereal company but need a non-dream job to pay the bills - just check out the job listing on our page.

DING DONG MERRILY ON HIRING On Linked'n the jobs are posting We don't want a lot for Christmas There is just one thing we need... A category and commercial manager You better watch out, you better not cry, Instead, simply click the link below to apply

TOYS AND CEREAL - TOGETHER AGAIN We’re teaming up with The Toy Project to help them make some Christmas wishes come true. Also it was a good excuse for us to play with a toy dinosaur. But mainly this is about the Christmas wishes.

The good news is there's only 5 Mondays left this year. The bad news is there's approximately 1832 Mondays left until we can retire.

OUR BOSS DIDN'T LIKE THESE ADVERTS But we've not got any others, so guess they'll have to do.

SAY THESE THINGS TO COMFORT YOUR MARKETING TEAM THIS BLACK FRIDAY • I don’t care about ROI, I just care about ROU • Your average basket size is sooooo much bigger than the last guy’s • No one’s judging you, except all your colleagues • Jonny Wilkinson called. He said he wishes he had your conversion rate. • No, your eighth email to our customers in 24 hours definitely didn’t make us seem desperate • It’s okay, I didn’t want a bonus this year anyway • Look at the bigger picture. It’s so terrible that it makes the smaller picture look slightly less awful by comparison. • It’s only high protein cereal, no one’s going to hurt you - as long as your sales figures drastically improve. • Is that this month’s ROAS in your pocket or are you just pleased to PPC me?