SURREAL

The good news is there's only 5 Mondays left this year. The bad news is there's approximately 1832 Mondays left until we can retire.

OUR BOSS DIDN'T LIKE THESE ADVERTS But we've not got any others, so guess they'll have to do.

SAY THESE THINGS TO COMFORT YOUR MARKETING TEAM THIS BLACK FRIDAY • I don’t care about ROI, I just care about ROU • Your average basket size is sooooo much bigger than the last guy’s • No one’s judging you, except all your colleagues • Jonny Wilkinson called. He said he wishes he had your conversion rate. • No, your eighth email to our customers in 24 hours definitely didn’t make us seem desperate • It’s okay, I didn’t want a bonus this year anyway • Look at the bigger picture. It’s so terrible that it makes the smaller picture look slightly less awful by comparison. • It’s only high protein cereal, no one’s going to hurt you - as long as your sales figures drastically improve. • Is that this month’s ROAS in your pocket or are you just pleased to PPC me?

AN URGENT REQUEST FROM OUR FINANCE TEAM Easily the most important thing you’ll read on LinkedIn today... Normally our Finance Team don’t use words. They like to operate on a purely numerical basis. It’s better for everyone that way, as it means we don’t have to talk to them. But today they’re abandoned their abacus in favour of a dictionary, and written you a very urgent plea. Please read it so we can go back to ignoring them.

THIS POST IS JUST ABOUT BEARS Nothing else. It's 100% bear-based content. You'll be reading through it, saying to yourself "this post does seem to just be about bears, but they're probably going to shoehorn in a cereal advert at some point." But we won't. We almost definitely won't. Maybe.

WINNIE-THE-POOH WOULD (probably) LOVE THIS We’ve made a new cereal. It’s called Honey Crunch. Everyone’s favourite honey-loving, public-domain-based, bear is a massive fan. You can’t prove he’s not. We heard that Sherlock Holmes, Alice in Wonderland and Mr Darcy love our cereal too. Lady Macbeth prefers our competitors. Why not grab a box of Honey Crunch next time you’re on our hundred acre website? P.S. Don’t listen to what that other bear has to say. A bowl of Honey Crunch is WAY better than a marmalade sandwich.

THE TWO TYPES OF FRIDAY: Option One: "Ahhhh, I've more or less ticked everything off this week. I'll just catch up on a few emails, then log off early and go for a nice, relaxing walk." Option Two: "I'VE DONE NOTHING ALL WEEK AND NOW I NEED TO DO FIVE DAYS WORTH OF WORK IN EIGHT HOURS. I WANT TO PUNCH MYSELF IN THE HEAD."

HOW TO MAKE DULL OFFICE SMALL TALK MORE EXCITING Don’t say: “Cold today, isn’t it?” Do say: “Winter’s deep chill has set upon my bones” Don’t say: “Isn’t it getting dark early” Do say: “The sun has forsaken these lands” Don’t say: “I can’t be bothered” Do say: “My soul grows weary” Don’t say: “The new guy seems a bit odd” Do say: “A new companion - yet all does not seem well” Don’t say: “Want a coffee?” Do say: “Do you wish to harness the true power of the bean?” Don’t say: “Did you hear about the head of sales?” Do say: “Has word reached your ears about the fate of the merchant?” Don’t say: “We need to sell more cereal” Do say: “These are ill times indeed, for the breakfast river runs dry."

DO YOU LIKE FANCY FOOD? We’ve got just the thing. SPOILERS It’s our cereal. “Your cereal isn’t fancy” you say, mockingly. “Sure, it’s packed with protein,” you say, knowingly. “And is low sugar,” you say, sales-message-ingly. “But it’s not FANCY,” you say, disbelievingly. WRONG. Our cereal’s now in Waitrose - and that makes us officially fancy. Sure, it’s not quite as fancy as some other foods. But it’s still pretty good. “I’m sorry I ever doubted you,” you say, apologetically. “I’ll be sure to buy a box next time I’m in Waitrose,” you say, profitably. “I’ll add a box to my online grocery delivery too,” you say, covering-all-bases-ingly.

BEWARE ALL YE WHO ENTER For here lies a (haunted) advertisement of the most frightening (and last minute) nature. It will rattle ye bones. It will curdle ye blood. It will send shivers down ye spine. It will probably try to sell ye some breakfast cereal. Scary stuff.