Bride Refuses to Visit Her Family for the Holidays Because Stepfather Won't Pay for Her Destination Wedding

A bride-to-be is boycotting her family's holiday gatherings this year because her stepfather won't pay for her destination wedding.

The woman detailed her decision in a letter to Slate's parenting advice column, Care and Feeding, which she signed, "Upset Daughter." She began by explaining that her mother divorced her father when she was 5 years old and her mother remarried when she was 7. Her stepfather has a daughter her age, and the two "grew up together."

Her stepsister got married two years ago, and her stepfather threw her a destination wedding in Mexico. But now that it's the bride-to-be's turn to have her wedding, her stepfather has not stepped up with a similarly generous offer.

"I’m getting married next year and want a destination wedding in Hawaii. However, my stepfather is not willing to pay for it," she wrote. "It’s unfair that one daughter gets a paid wedding and the other doesn’t."

The bride-to-be said she expressed "her feelings" about the situation to her mother, who pointed out that she and her fiancé "make much more money than her stepsister, which is why my stepfather paid for their wedding."

The "Upset Daughter" doesn't agree with her stepfather's reasoning. "Our income is not the problem. It’s the principle that matters," she wrote.

Now, she says she's "refused" to visit her family for Thanksgiving and Christmas as a result. "I think I have a right to be upset, and I’m considering not inviting my stepfather or my stepsister to my wedding," she concluded her letter. "My mother has been crying and saying I’m tearing the family apart. I wish they could understand how I feel."

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In reply to the bride-to-be's letter, the advice columnist noted that traditions surrounding who pays for a wedding have changed over the years.

"I understand that having your parents pay for your wedding is a classic tradition, but in the modern world, people don’t necessarily feel obligated to abide by those old conventions. In the past, couples who had their weddings paid for were often young and in single-earner relationships in which paying for such an event may have been impossible," they wrote.

The columnist acknowledged that while it would be "a lovely gesture" for the bride-to-be's stepfather to foot her wedding bill, he is not under any "obligation" to do so just because he paid for her stepsister's wedding.

"I understand why this may feel like he’s prioritizing his biological daughter over you, but that’s not necessarily the case," the columnist continued. "It could simply be about helping out the child who needs it. If you and your fiancé can afford a wedding, why exactly should your stepfather pay for it?"

The columnist advised the bride-to-be not to skip her family holiday gatherings and instead visit with the intention of clearing the air. "Schedule a time with them during your visit so you can express how you’re feeling," they wrote. "It may be helpful for your stepdad to hear that you feel like he thinks less of you than he does his other child."

The columnist also suggested that if finances "are an issue," the bride-to-be could let her stepfather know she would appreciate some help paying for her wedding and "perhaps he'll have a change of heart."

But the columnist urged the bride not to disinvite her family members from her wedding over this disagreement. "It’s petty not to invite your stepdad to the event if he doesn’t pay for it, and it’s unconscionable to decline to invite your stepsister. What did she do to you?" they wrote.

The columnist concluded the reply with some candid feedback for the bride-to-be to consider. "I’m of the opinion that if you’re grown enough to get married, you’re grown enough to pay for it," they wrote. "I’m sorry that this is disappointing to you, but the majority of couples are not getting their weddings covered in 2024.