Dear Alison,
I was so excited when my partner proposed and now my fiancé and I are planning our wedding.
While this has its usual stresses, one thing I’m struggling over is my friend, who has mentioned quite a lot that she’s sceptical that our wedding will last.
My partner and I have been together for four years. At the very beginning of our relationship, he was unfaithful, and my friend saw how much that upset me.
We hadn’t been together very long, or defined our relationship at the time, so we managed to move on from it.
But my best friend has never trusted him since. In fact, she’s been really vocal about the fact that she doesn’t like him. At his birthday party last year, she called him a ‘cheater’ in front of my family and friends. Most of them didn’t know about the infidelity. It was so embarrassing.
But, she’s still my best friend and I know she’s just overly protective. Now, my partner doesn’t like her much and while he hasn’t made out that it’s a dealbreaker, he’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want her at our wedding.
I don’t know what to do. I want her there, but I want to respect my partner’s wishes.
Should I remove her from the guestlist?
Thanks,
Alicia
Do you have a wedding problem you need advice on?
Weddings are joyful occasions – but they’re also incredibly stressful. Whether you’re a bride or groom, best woman or man, family member or friend of the couple, the run up to the big day can be very tense.
If you need a bit of help with your quandary, Alison, who has run a venue for 10 years and helps couples plan weddings, is here to offer a helping hand.
Email [email protected] to share your issue anonymously with Alison and get it solved
Dear Alicia
Firstly, congratulations on your engagement!
Planning a wedding is one of life’s most joyous yet challenging experiences – especially when there’s a clash between two of your most important people.
Open communication is always the key here, and addressing the issue with everyone is essential.
Your fiancé’s feelings about your friend are perfectly valid. He likely feels judged and even undermined by her previous remarks.
Have a heart-to-heart discussion with him. Show him you understand his view and that you are prioritising your relationship.
Ask him why he does not want your friend at your wedding – it’s only by knowing what his true concerns are that you can help alleviate them.
Is he worried she’ll call him a ‘cheater’ again, in front of everyone? Or is it more that he doesn’t want someone at his wedding who isn’t rooting for you both?
Listen to his concerns without judgement. Then, reassure him that while you respect his wishes, your friend is also important to you, too, and you want her to attend your wedding.
As you mentioned, he has not said it would be a deal breaker if she attended, but you need to be assured that he feels comfortable with her presence.
Ask him if there’s a way your friend could be there on the day that wouldn’t make him feel uncomfortable. Could they avoid being in photos together, for example?
You could consider strategically seating her with friends or family who aren’t close to your fiancé.
Are you having bridesmaids – if so, had you considered asking her? Is not having her as a bridesmaid something you’d be willing to compromise on?
Outside the wedding itself, would it be worth attending a counselling session together so you can work through his feelings about her?
It will help give you a different perspective and show your fiancé that you value his opinion and are willing to resolve any future issues as a team.
It is also important to have an open conversation with your best friend. She may believe she is protecting you but does not understand that her actions are crossing boundaries and adding stress.
You must consider beginning a new chapter with your partner
Remind her that her behaviour at the birthday party was hurtful and that you are serious about your future with your fiancé. She needs to put her feelings aside, or at least keep them private, out of respect for your happiness.
If she has concerns beyond the past incident, listen, but be clear that your choice is to move on from that part of the past.
If you want your best friend to attend, she must commit to keeping her feelings private and supporting you on your wedding day.
If she cannot agree to this, it might be best you may decide not to invite her.
In this instance, accept her opinion without resentment and move on with planning your wedding without her attendance.
You must consider beginning a new chapter with your partner.
Your friend’s intentions may be caring, but if she continually questions your choices, you may need to reassess what’s best for your friendship.
If both your fiancé and your friend are willing to forgive and forget, would you consider arranging a time for the three of you to meet up, talk openly and, if possible, make amends?
By addressing everything directly, you give everyone a chance to move forward.
Most importantly, though, take a moment to think about what feels best for you. This decision impacts both your future marriage and one of your closest friendships.
True friends will understand and respect your choices, even if you have different opinions.
Whatever you choose, trust that you prioritise your happiness and your future.
Do not let external conflicts overshadow your joy and excitement about getting married.
Wishing you a wonderful wedding day.
Best wishes,
Alison
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