The UK General Election, Conservative leadership contest and race for the White House may now be over, but 2024’s real political catfight is about to begin.
And by ‘political catfight’… yes, we mean a fight between political cats.
Battersea Dogs and Cats Home is once again holding its competition to find parliament’s favourite pet cat, with the winner being crowned ‘Purr Minister’.
The much-loved animal charity has sent Metro the list of the 12 nominees, all owned by MPs or peers, and the release is packed with enough puns to make your eyes water. Not all of the jokes are good, or even necessarily work as jokes.
Since the vote is open to the public, we thought we should present the candidates (‘cat-idates’) alongside their manifestos (‘manifurstos’) and apply the same rigid political analysis we would for any high-stakes election.
Voting closes at 5pm on November 14, so you have around a week to act. Ballots can be cast in confidence on the Battersea website. Meet the 12 hopefuls below.
Attlee
Owner: Speaker of the House Sir Lindsay Hoyle MP
‘Manifursto’: ‘Why should I be Purr Minister? I know ‘Furrskine’ May like the back of my paw. As a DiploCat, I have a firm claw on international diplomacy and strengthening inter-purrlimentary ties. I respect the hiss-tory of Purr-liament and will purr-tect the parliamentary community. I’ll be an Advocate for ensuring fellow felines have a purrfect experience in the House.’
Our take: Sir Lindsay won the previous ‘Purr Minister’ contest in 2020 (it has not been held for the past three years) with his cat Patrick, who sadly died in 2022. The 67-year-old is having another pop this year with Attlee – presumably he’s saving his other cat, Clem, for next year’s tournament.
If you’re confused by that first pun, by the way, Erskine May is the name of the guidebook for parliamentary procedure. An extremely on-brand joke for the Speaker.
Chilli and Bandit
Owner: Labour’s Stella Creasy MP
‘Manifursto’: ‘At just seven months old, we’re relentless cat welfare campaigners from Clawthamstow whose whiskers and wide eyes pawmote awareness about neutering and microchipping. When not playing kitty uppy with balloons or stealing croissants, we are also ally cats making feline femeownist videos.’
Our take: The Green Party has previously proposed that MPs should be allowed to run on a joint job-share ticket for a single seat, but didn’t get very far. No such issues in this contest: the Walthamstow MP’s pair of kittens – named for the mum and dad in beloved cartoon Bluey – are free to stand alongside each other.
Evidence of croissant-snatching here and femeownist video here.
Clement Cattlee and Mo Meowlam
Owner: Labour’s Johanna Baxter MP
‘Manifursto’: ‘As Clement Cattlee & Mo Meowlam, we are the purr-fect pair to deliver a Manifursto for change. We’ll be clawsome advocates fur every kitty’s right to snuggle up in pet-friendly properties, paws-itively ban extreme breeding of unhealthy traits, and lobby for universal microchips to keep all feline friends safe.’
Our take: Comfortably the best names in this competition, courtesy of the new MP for Paisley and Renfrewshire South. Oddly enough, the former is the second cat in this contest named after the trailblazing mid-20th century Labour PM, while the latter is named for Mo Mowlam, the Northern Ireland Secretary who played a pivotal role in the Good Friday Agreement.
Cookie
Owner: Labour’s Janet Daby
‘Manifursto’: ‘I’m Cookie, a rescued cat who likes chess. I’m running to be Purr Minister because I have an amazing purr-sonality and believe every cat deserves a home. I back the purr-suasive policy to allow tenants to request to keep a pet, including cats! With your vote, anything is pawsible!’
Our take: There are no further details on what the Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State for Children and Families means by ‘likes chess’ – can Cookie actually play? How would the cat stack up against keen player Rachel Reeves?
Ebba
Owner: Dr Helen-Ann Hartley, Lord Bishop of Newcastle
‘Manifursto’: ‘I am campaigning for pet-friendly properties and understand the im-paw-tance of a safe home for my cat-stituents. I am cat-mitted to ending restrictive pet policies meow and fur-ever, and my origin as a rescue kitten means I will be a paws-on PM. A fur-ce for lasting change!’
Our take: ‘Cat-mitted to ending restrictive pet policies meow and fur-ever’ might be the most laboured series of puns in this competition, and that’s saying something. Another flagbearer for the right for renters to request a pet, a measure in the Renters’ Rights Bill.
Millie
Owner: Labour’s Dr Scott Arthur
‘Manifursto’: ‘Millie’s Mission Led Government will have cat-itude: Workers’ Rights – Daily government-mandated nap time for all citizens. Democratic Reform – Larry’s dictatorship must end, the position of ‘Downing Street Cat’ will be subject to an election. Wellbeing Boost – A full review of people selling kittens online for profit.’
Our take: A very bold anti-Larry stance easily makes Millie the most controversial candidate in the field. Similarly, her stance on nap time may win over some voters but the use of ‘government-mandated’ has a whiff of Stalinist Russia.
Mimi
Owner: Labour’s Cat Eccles
‘Manifursto’: ‘Mimi the Snow Bengal is standing to be Purr Minister! I was rescued from a breeder who cast me aside when I was no longer productive. I have a lot to say for myself and am calling for mandatory reporting of cats in road traffic collisions, unlimited treatos, and more!’
Our take: The only cat among the competitors with an owner who has the name ‘Cat’ – could that be a good omen? The electorate also loves candidates with inspirational backstories, and Mimi certainly fits that description. A strong shout.
Morty Plummer-Thompson
Owner: Labour’s Adam Thompson
‘Manifursto’: ‘My name is Morty Plummer-Thompson, and I want to be Purr Minister because all moggins should be able to live in rented properties with their mogparents. I also think I would be good because I catch spideys very well and, while I am sometimes mean to my sister, I lufs her.’
Our take: The piece of writing above is truly a window into the author’s soul. We will say no more.
Murphy
Owner: Liberal Democrat Layla Moran
‘Manifursto’: ‘As a 21-year-old cat, I have seen it all. I pledge to stand up for frail felines everywhere with: a triple lock on Catnip and re-instating winter fur payments for paw-sioners, removing the 2-kitten benefit cap, and enforcing tougher regulations on cat breeding.’
Our take: At last, an MP from a party other than Labour. It is unclear why the governing party is so over-represented in this competition.
You’ve got to hand a lot of respect to a cat still going strong despite being the same age as MySpace – the Chair of the Health and Social Care Select Committee clearly hopes to make her pet’s longevity an asset, posing Murphy with pictures of all the Prime Ministers of the past 21 years.
Scampi
Owner: The Conservatives’ Peter Bedford
‘Manifursto’: ‘Also known as ‘The Baroness’, I should be the next Purr Minister because I am the ultimate ‘no nonsense’ Diva. My house, My rules. Having seen my neighbour killed in an RTA, I believe that motorists should be legally required to report any cat road traffic accidents.’
Our take: This manifesto really takes a handbrake turn in the middle, especially coming so soon after the purple prose of Morty Plummer-Thompson. Still, a serious issue that deserves attention, all props to The Baroness.
Sprinkles
Owner: Labour’s Sadik Al-Hassan
‘Manifursto’: ‘A stern but fair ruler, I have a strong sense of independence and believe strongly in pursuing sovereignty and defending territorial areas.’
Our take: We salute Sadik Al-Hassan for eschewing the puns entirely and taking this competition as seriously as he should. That said, perhaps unveiling Sprinkles as the face of Labour’s response to the small boats crisis would get a less than desirable response from the criminal gangs.
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