My mate’s 4-word response proved our 22-year tradition has been worth it

One night, I was putting my phone on silent before bed when it started to ring with a call I was half-expecting.

It was my friend Tom, just a couple of hours after I’d seen him last. 

It was a Tuesday night, which meant that I’d just high-fived, hugged and said goodbye to a bunch of my closest friends after our weekly fitness meetup in a local park.

During a warm-up run, I’d gently plodded next to Tom, who had told me it was likely he and his girlfriend would be breaking up later that evening.

They’d been together for over a year and it wasn’t difficult to sense his anxiety about getting home and facing the music.

Fast forward to three hours later. 

His hunch was right – he and his girlfriend had broken up and now he was taking his duvet and pillow to his small rented office nearby to bed down there for the night.

He needed to talk for a bit, so I immediately sat up and listened to him. 

‘Thanks for this mate,’ he whispered. 

I wondered if we hadn’t seen each other earlier that evening, would he have known he could call me?

After graduating from university in 2002, Tuesday night workouts became sacred between a group of my closest friends: me, Rob – a broadcaster and engineer, Tom – an inventor who went on to win The Apprentice, and Jono – an author, designer and illustrator. 

We’d all met while studying for our Masters in Mechanical Engineering at the University of Bath. We’d been put on a team project together and just hit it off. 

A few years after graduating, and along with a number of other friends we all found ourselves living and working in London and set an immovable marker in our diaries to make sure we saw each other regularly, as life beyond our carefree 20s became evermore demanding and challenging. 

It was a means of staying fit and having fun, but most importantly, it was a way of staying in each others’ lives.

Between us we created – don’t laugh – Ripped Club London, or RCL: A tongue-in-cheek label that quickly got out of hand. Soon, there were more than a dozen of us.

Attendance was deemed compulsory, and we even imposed fines into a joint account for those who couldn’t make it on a Tuesday night, which would become spending money for future socials and holidays.

When it comes to our friendship, we mean business.

Over the years, people have commented on how rare and cool it is to see male friends making time for each other in such a committed and supportive way. 

A 2021 report concluded that men are lonelier than ever, with The American Survey Centre finding that only 27% of men say they have six close friends.

Even sadder, 15% of men say they have no close friends at all. When three times as many men as women die by suicide, male mental health is in crisis.

I’d say it’s more important than ever to build a ring of support around yourself, of friends who you can celebrate and commiserate with as the years pass by.

Our regular meetups became a great source of support for all the challenges and triumphs life brings. I think everyone should do it.

The weekly fitness sessions and quarterly socials were a key part of all our shared lives for over 10 years, until the pandemic killed it off.

We’d meet up to play indoor crazy golf followed by dinner and drinks or organise unique charity challenges including riding a custom-built six-man tandem from London to Amsterdam; and cycling across and between the largest lakes of Scotland, England and Wales.

Even during Covid isolation, a group of seven of us (including Tom, Jono and me) logged in to Zoom calls at 6.30am, three times a week, to do a 20-minute fitness session and a quick check-in on everyone’s well-being and news.

I remember feeling grateful for the connection and friendship at a time when everyone felt disconnected.

During those check-ins we heard about new babies, engagements, sick family members and people’s career highs and lows. It was short and sweet but set you up for the day ahead.

Some days it felt like a real effort to drag myself out of bed, but then I’d remember the advice my dad gave me when I was 16.

A friend had moved to Germany with his family and I had planned to visit and stay for five days. But, when it came to packing my bags and heading off, it felt like such an effort and something I wasn’t really looking forward to any more.

I asked my dad if I could cancel the trip and I remember him telling me: ‘Sometimes, you have to put a bit of work in to maintain your friendships.’

They were very wise words that I’ve always remembered. 

Thankfully, my visit to Germany turned out to be great fun. I made new friends, explored completely new places for me in the cities of Essen and Dortmund and really loved having the independence of being away from home to do whatever I wanted.

Over the 10 years of RCL, I lost count of the times I wasn’t feeling up to running around in a dark, wet, muddy park after a long day at work, but there was never a single occasion where I regretted doing so. 

Putting the work Dad talked about into my friendships has always been worth it. Seeing my friends always helps put problems in perspective, it gives me energy when lethargy threatens to pounce and it keeps me feeling connected to something bigger than my own little world. 

Now our weekly meet-ups involve recording a podcast – Sketchplanations The Podcast – with me, Tom and Jono as the hosts.

Together, we jump into a range of topics from science to daily life hacks, all simplified through Jono’s engaging sketches.

Having the support of each other has made a huge difference in our own feelings of belonging and being loved and supported.

Over the years we’ve travelled together to many locations; sometimes for work, sometimes for pleasure. 

Tom and I spent a winter season working as ‘Lifties’ in a Canadian ski resort, and Jono and Tom spent a year in Belgium working as design consultants.

When Jono moved to San Francisco, Tom and I arranged a surprise visit for his 30th birthday and spent 10 days exploring with him.

Tom and Jono were even the best man at each other’s weddings.

Taking our friendship management seriously by scheduling when we’ll see each other has paid dividends for the three of us and with the podcast going from strength to strength, I can’t see that dropping off any time soon.

I feel strongly that more men should proactively nourish their friendships and be unapologetic about keeping a date saved for their mates.

A lot of my friends were made at university which was a unique time in my life when we all lived and breathed each others’ schedules.

Now, in our much busier lives, protecting that precious connection takes intention, the promise of fun and commitment and to look back, I couldn’t be happier that I made that commitment to get muddy and wet on those dark, cold Tuesday evenings.

As told to Michelle Morgan Davies

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