My date couldn’t believe what I pulled out of my purse

Sorry, but I’ve always thought that the cinema is a dire choice for a date (also not sorry – go out for dinner, coffee, or a walk. It’s not that hard, people!).

The worst dates I’ve been on have been to the cinema (even worse than the man I met on Tinder called Tony Stark who – genuinely – had never seen Iron Man or Game of Thrones). 

I’ve fallen asleep, drooling on the shoulder of my date’s Superdry top; I’ve had painful trapped wind from holding in a fart for too long, and was once so hungry that my rumbling stomach reverberated during a dramatic death scene.

There was the lad who took me to see the first Transformers film and sat, unmoved, in total silence, before giving my number to his friend. (It’s OK, he had a Thirty Seconds to Mars tattoo anyway, and his mate was much fitter – we dated for about a year).

Not to mention it’s dark. So dark that you can’t see what you’re doing.

One lad tried to hold my hand, but ‘accidentally’ got my boob; another tried to kiss me, but ended up kissing my nose as he couldn’t find my mouth. 

But that all pales in comparison to what happened on one of my first dates with Adam*. 

We were in our Twilight era, and the film had just come out, so he invited me to go see it. 

Adam had even asked to borrow all my Twilight books which, back then, I thought was the sexiest, most intellectual thing going. It still makes me cringe even now, aged 31.

That, and the fact that he had long hair and was in a band made me feel like I was in my very own Geordie version of a rom-com.

I was excited about being alone with him – and in the dark. Fantasised about him holding my hand across the arm rest, or even touching my leg…

It all felt romantic to 15-year-old me. I even remember fretting about what to wear for an embarrassing amount of time before our date, ending up with the classic shorts and tights combo (great for some leg action!) and probably one of his band t-shirts from his seemingly endless supply.

I begged my mam for her lipstick, too, feeling like it would give me the air of a woman who had her s**t together, and wasn’t studying for her GCSEs.

I don’t think I breathed or moved throughout the whole film. Blame nerves, or the unsettling attractiveness of the undead, emo Edward Cullen. Adam was just as invested.

Even now, I still smile at the hazy image of our nail-varnished hands intertwined. Life was so simple back then when all you had to worry about was oxbow lakes, Stephenie Meyer and losing your virginity, wasn’t it?

As the credits started to roll, with the promise of a Paramore soundtrack, I felt a kiss brewing. This was what I dreamed about, what I subscribed to Cosmo and read Louise Rennison novels for.

I had to be ready for this moment. It was the perfect setting, and it had to be perfect. I had to be perfect.

Scrambling around in my bag, I wanted to quickly pop my mam’s lipstick on before the lights came up. Have the air that it’d been perfectly applied the whole time, and not smudged by nervously eating popcorn…

Found it.

Smiling, and pursing my lips. I popped the shiny, cylindrical shaped tube to my lips as the lights came up…

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Adam’s smile dropped quicker than his balls.

‘Em… what the f’**k are you doing?’ he said, his eyes wide and face as pale as Edward’s.

My stomach dropped as I looked down.

I was holding a tampon.

I thought my plastic-wrapped, non-applicator tampon was my mam’s bloody lipstick. I was horrified.

Thankfully, Adam saw the funny side and burst out laughing – which was infectious, and quite soothing when I wished the cinema’s sticky carpets would swallow me whole.

At 15, you didn’t dare talk to boys about periods, even if you were dating them, never mind being caught dead holding a tampon.

Adam comforted me, and even gave me a kiss, setting the tone for a pretty good first-boyfriend-experience, to be honest. 

Still, all these years on, I’m mortified to think about it. I can’t escape the thought of my shame when I go to the cinema, even now.

He never did give me my Twilight books back, either.

This article was originally published August 10, 2024

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