I struggled with making friends until I made one small change

Last year I tried something new, and it changed everything for me.

Mums at the school gate began engaging with me, sales started landing into my lap, and the people working in the local shop suddenly started chatting to me. 

I stopped feeling so awkward talking to strangers, conversation flowed and I felt so much more confident.

But this magical new thing I was doing wasn’t anything radical, all I’d done was start listening properly.

I was studying for my executive coaching qualification when I first came across the term ‘active listening’ in October 2022. 

By definition, active listening is the act of being fully engaged while another person is talking to you. In other words, you are listening with the intent to understand the other person fully, rather than listening to respond. 

As someone who worked in sales as a marketing and communications consultant, it seemed like this could be an invaluable skill for me.

Before this, I wasn’t what you would call a natural salesperson.

I’d long accepted that I was an introvert and that people just didn’t warm to me straight away.

I never got into conversations with people on trains. Parents didn’t usually strike up a conversation at school events – I just kind of stood on the edges, looking at my phone. And I’ve never been someone who finds it easy to speak to strangers. 

I’d probably go as far as to refer to myself as a bit of an ice queen.

This always used to come as a surprise to some people, especially as I also worked as a radio journalist, meaning I frequently had to interview strangers.

But to me, it was a bit like putting on a sequinned showbiz version of myself and acting like someone else. It was an act. Not something I could keep up.

So when it came to sales, I’d often go into most calls feeling like I needed to prove myself – which resulted in talking too fast, and not letting the other poor person get a word in edgeways.

But on this particular day in October, after reading about the importance of active listening for coaches, I decided to try something different on a sales call.

With this fresh in mind, I wrote ‘listen’ at the top of my pad in big letters. I decided to focus 100% of my energy and attention on the client, on talking less (I’d learned you should aim to be only doing 20% of the talking), and giving him plenty of time to think before responding.

By the end of the call I’d barely said anything, but to my surprise he told me he was excited to work with me.

I later realised this was because, rather than jumping in and trying to offer solutions, I’d given him the space to talk freely about his challenges and what he needed help with. He felt heard, and like I was the person to help.

Not only was this so different from any other sales conversation I’d had before – the sale had happened so much more easily – I felt empowered. Like I’d unlocked the secret to really connecting to people on a deeper level. 

From that moment on I started practising active listening in other parts of my life: on my family; on shop workers; even the mums in the playground – and each time, I noticed a similar effect. People instantly warmed to me, engaging and striking up conversation.

I felt more confident and comfortable engaging with strangers and work opportunities – such as being invited to collaborate or go on podcasts – started to come up more frequently.

Not only was I getting great results for my clients, my social life also improved as a result of my new listening skills.

Now, I regularly meet up with several mums outside of school for coffee or dinner. And I’ve made some real friends from networking groups, something that would previously be unthinkable.

It’s made me realise that making friends is less about impressing them, and more about being open and really hearing them. I only wish it hadn’t taken me that long to learn such a fundamental human skill.

Now, active listening is a core skill I use in everyday life.

Although I’d still consider myself an introvert, I find conversations with strangers easier than I did, even when I’m not actively listening. But I do have to keep myself in check.

Before every coaching session and sales call, I remind myself to hold back and defy the urge to prove myself. ‘This call isn’t about you. You have to give the other person space to think,’ I think. I also try to practise it regularly, as it’s a muscle that needs to be exercised.

Knowing I regret not understanding the power of this skill sooner, I also wish that we were teaching young people these vital skills – especially in what is becoming an ever increasingly busy world.

Smartphones and other devices are only exacerbating the distractions, stopping us all from really listening and giving people space to say what they feel.

And really, what can be more important than communicating effectively with other human beings? Where might we be as a human race if we all listened to each other 100%?

Have you tried active listening in your daily conversations?Comment Now

I think listening is a skill all of us can improve on, and it’s something I’ve become much more aware of spotting. It doesn’t make me frustrated when someone doesn’t listen to me, though; I feel more empathetic, as I know (like I was) they’re probably not aware of it. And let’s face it, sometimes we all need to vent!

I used to think I was helping people by finishing off their sentences, now I can see this just makes someone feel rushed and not valued.

The best way to become a good active listener is to really focus all your energy on the other person. Remember: you’re listening to seek understanding, not to give your views and opinions.

But also, be kind to yourself. You won’t be able to practise it all the time and it can be quite tiring. 

I promise though, if you give the other person the space to say what they want, focus on them completely and make them feel heard, the difference it makes is truly transformative.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]. 

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