I was sitting on a bench near my mom’s building when I saw them approaching: Mom first, with my grandma moping behind her.
The first thing Mom said when she reached me was, ‘I can’t stand this anymore.’ She gave me a quick peck on the cheek, and went to get coffee.
That’s when Grandma caught up. I hugged her, and she whispered in my ear, ‘I can’t stand this anymore.’
Mom had been caring for Grandma for a few months by this point. If it weren’t so sad, I would’ve laughed at how they both hated the situation, yet stuck with it.
I knew right from the get-go that Mom taking on Grandma’s care was a mistake. They’ve always been close, but they were too different.
It’s difficult to pinpoint exactly when we knew Grandma needed extra help. She’d always been so energetic; she’d walk miles to run an errand because she ‘didn’t like taking the bus’.
The first time I realised something was wrong was when she started to call Mom at odd hours, like 1am, asking her to come home. They hadn’t lived together in 30 years.
A few months later, Grandma called me to say she’d got lost that morning. She’d got confused on the way to the bank and realised she had no idea where she was. Eventually, she’d asked a bypasser for directions and found her way.
I tried to convince myself it happened because of new buildings in the area, but I knew something was off. I think Grandma knew it, too, but she wouldn’t openly admit it.
When I suggested she might need help, she waived me off and said she was fine.
After this incident, Mom started visiting about two times a week – despite working and living in a resort 30km away.
But as Grandma got worse, it was becoming increasingly difficult for Mom to drive back and forth. So, Mom rented a studio in her building and moved Grandma there.
I had my concerns, but Mom was optimistic.
Soon she was juggling a lot. The cleaning, shopping, walks, doctor visits – she did it all. Gradually, her duties grew to also include bathing, bathroom assistance, and coaxing Grandma to eat or take medicine. That’s when doctors diagnosed dementia.
I supported Mom in every way I could: I took Grandma to the doctors often and I also took Mom out when I could because I knew she needed a distraction from everything that was happening at home.
The three of us have always been close, but one of the main reasons I decided to go into freelancing was to be able to be there for them in this way.
Unfortunately, Grandma’s condition didn’t make any of it easy on us.
Despite Mom doing the best she could, Grandma was often grumpy and rude. She’d offend Mom or try to hit her – as is often the case with dementia patients.
On one occasion, Mom had to leave Grandma home alone and, worried she might wander off and get lost, she locked her in the studio for a few hours. She reasoned she was just five minutes away, and Grandma could call if needed.
That’s when we discovered she didn’t know how to use a phone anymore. She banged on the door and the neighbours called Mom.
Desperate, she then bought an Airtag to keep tabs on where Grandma was. Only, she refused to wear it.
As a result, on three occasions, Grandma disappeared.
Luckily, the police always returned her home, having found her walking around, asking people about her daughter.
All this was incredibly draining. I noticed Mom stopped smiling and she lost weight – not helped by the fact that she was working six days a week, on top of running between the studio and her office, cooking for, cleaning for, and bathing Grandma.
Then fate intervened.
After complaining of a strong pain in her stomach, Grandma needed an urgent visit to the hospital. We learned she now had to be on a special diet. It was the final straw.
Cooking what you know is one thing; accommodating a new diet on top of everything else would be impossible and I knew there was no way Mom could handle that.
At first we considered hiring a nurse, but Grandma said she wouldn’t let a stranger in her home. So, we were left with only one choice: a care home.
Trying to persuade Mom was difficult, however. And part of me felt like the bad guy for trying to convince her. After all, why shouldn’t we take care of our parents?
But mostly, I feared something bad would happen to Mom if we didn’t change things. I worried she’d be too tired and drive off the road, get sick herself, or suffer mentally.
When Mom finally gave in, admitting she was exhausted and didn’t see a way to handle this alone anymore, I felt relieved.
Now all that was left to do was convince Grandma. I knew she wouldn’t want to go but we couldn’t let her make these decisions. That’s why we told her that her doctor said she must. She’d always respected doctors.
It felt wrong to lie to her, but I knew it would ultimately be the best place for her.
Grandma stayed in three different places before we found an affordable, suitable home for her. The first two couldn’t handle her aggressive outbursts, but the third had the staff and expertise for her condition.
It was also located halfway between my mom’s house and mine so we were able to visit her two or three times per week.
Most importantly though, Grandma liked the people and the accommodation there. She finally accepted this was her new home.
Mom was also relieved. She started going out with colleagues again, smiling.
Sadly, Grandma’s condition continued to worsen.
She didn’t remember our names anymore, which made Mom sad. And we both desperately wished someone would find the perfect combination of pills and that she would get better.
The only plus was that being in care seemed to make her calmer.
Alzheimer's and dementia: the facts
The most common forms of dementia (symptoms of a decline in brain function) are Alzheimer’s disease followed by vascular dementia.
Alzheimer’s is caused when plaques and tangles form in the brain making it increasingly hard for it to function properly. Early symptoms include forgetting recent events, struggling to remember words, becoming disorientated in familiar places and finding it difficult to concentrate.
Common early symptoms of vascular dementia include problems making decisions or following a series of steps, such as cooking a meal; slower speed of thought and trouble sleeping. The condition can also cause significant mood changes and depression and make people behave completely out of character.
Dementia is the UK’s biggest killer – and one in three babies born today will develop dementia in their lifetime. The risk of developing both Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia roughly doubles every five years from the age of 65. Women and men are affected equally. Diabetes, obesity, heart problems and high blood pressure all increase the risk.
However, you can significantly reduce your chances of developing the diseases by leading a healthy lifestyle – not smoking or drinking to excess, eating a balanced diet and getting regular exercise. Keeping mentally and socially active is also beneficial.
The third most common form of dementia – accounting for an estimated 20 per cent of cases – is Lewy body. With this condition, tiny clumps of protein appear in the brain’s nerve cells, causing a range of issues including mood swings, problems processing thoughts, hallucinations, difficulty balancing and walking slowly. Although DLB (dementia with Lewy body) can affect people under 65, it is much more common as we age, affecting men and women equally.
There is currently no cure for any of the forms of dementia. But getting an early diagnosis is very important in allowing you and your loved ones to access all the medical and social support available. If you are worried that you have any of the symptoms, your GP will be able to refer you to a specialist who can carry out a range of tests.
If you are worried that yours or someone else’s symptoms may be dementia, download the Alzheimer’s Society symptoms checklist, on alzheimers.org.uk; for more information or support on anything you’ve read here, call our support line on 0333 150 3456 or visit our website.
A couple of months after Grandma checked into the home though, Mom was diagnosed with stage one breast cancer; my toddler had accidentally hit her breast while playing, and the pain she felt revealed a lump.
As scary as it was, I remember thinking, what if Grandma was still with Mom? What if she hadn’t come home to play with my kids, didn’t notice the bump, didn’t go to the doctor? Just a few more months, maybe a few weeks, and that thing in her wouldn’t have been stage one.
Fortunately, she underwent successful treatment and she’s feeling much better.
After almost a year in her care facility, during which I visited her twice every week, my grandma passed away peacefully in her bed, a few hours after my last visit, aged 84.
Having been through this experience, Mom says that, in the future, she wants a caregiver to come to her home as she doesn’t want me to have to do it again. Looking back, I know we made the right decision for everyone involved.
I also realised, maybe it’s OK to be selfish when taking care of the elderly – if putting your own welfare first can be called selfish at all.
Women are inherently caregivers, so for us it can be as hard to outsource elderly care as it is to leave our baby with someone else or a toddler at preschool. But the same rules apply: it takes a village.
While it can seem like a rejection to put someone you care for in a home, it’s important to remember that it’s just a nerve-racking transition that will ultimately be best in the long run.
I’m not saying it’s easy. The hardest part of elderly care is knowing it doesn’t get better. You can’t fix it.
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But the goal is to ensure they live their best lives while they still can. And often, by letting them go to a place designed to serve and support them as part of a community, they will be able to do exactly that.
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