Listening to an asexual woman tell me about how her doctor subjected her to invasive genital examinations and convinced her to have psychosexual therapy to make her feel sexual attraction to men, I was horrified – but not entirely surprised.
It was 2019, and we were talking at the UK Asexuality Conference in Edinburgh.
This conversation reminded me of a similarly troubling experience I’d had at university a few years prior.
I had visited a counsellor ahead of my exams, but – out of nowhere – she asked about my sexuality.
Once I mentioned being asexual, she said, ‘I assume that’s what you wanted to work on overcoming while you’re here?’
‘No, it’s my orientation – it’s not a problem. I’m here because of exam stress.’
The only reason I was able to shut that conversation down was because I had discovered asexuality in secondary school and by this point, felt comfortable and validated in my experience.
Not everyone is so lucky.
Being asexual means experiencing little-to-no sexual attraction. It is a type of sexual orientation, not an illness.
But for too many of us, it is unfortunately still treated like one.
And as the government moves towards a ban on the conversion therapy practices that harm LGBTQ+ people, it’s time for asexuality to be included in that.
Conversion therapy is any intervention in a healthcare, family, community or faith setting that seeks to change a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity.
There is no evidence that conversion practices work, but we do know that they cause negative psychological and sometimes physical consequences.
It’s something that people, even some within the LGBT+ community, assume is only an issue for gay, bisexual or trans people, but it also impacts asexual people too.
Over the years, I’ve heard horror stories from asexual people I’ve met through my work as an activist.
There was one woman who was refused a gynaecological referral by her GP unless she agreed to see a psychosexual therapist to ‘fix’ her asexuality.
She had only been seeking help for pelvic pain. The GP assumed that she must have, ‘Complex psychological issues around sex,’ and this took priority.
Fortunately, the therapist was aware of asexuality and instead referred her to a doctor for the physical issues, but she had to spend three months in agony waiting for that ‘compulsory’ appointment.
The landmark National LGBT Survey (2018) found that asexual people are 10% more likely to be offered or to undergo conversion therapy compared to those of other LGBTQ+ orientations – but that information doesn’t seem to have led to any more support for the asexual community.
It’s not just disappointing that we are still continuously left out of the conversation and the fight for protection – it’s dangerous.
In 2017, I decided to use the platform I had built through my modelling career to raise awareness for asexuality, dispel misconceptions about my community and push conversations about it in a more impactful direction.
Too often, asexual people have found that once we disclose our orientation, we are often judged and seen as a problem to be ‘fixed’.
A report for Stonewall on asexuality I co-authored last year, found that asexual people – particularly asexual women – were being denied access to healthcare, being made to have psychosexual therapy, given medication they don’t need to increase their libidos, denied treatment they do need because of the hyperfocus on their asexuality, and made to feel broken by the healthcare system.
Again let me be clear, asexuality is not a disorder.
But as other jurisdictions, like in Tasmania, Australia and New York State, legislate to protect asexuality, in the UK, we aren’t offered similar support.
Meanwhile, asexuality is not recognised under the UK Equality Act 2010 as a sexual orientation. And that has real world consequences: it takes away the incentive for organisations to provide sex education, to legislate properly in hate crime laws, or to implement workplace inclusion policies.
And that also impacts the place for asexuals when it comes to the ban on conversion therapy.
Or rather, our lack of place.
In 2018, the then-Conservative government committed to banning conversion therapy, but then dithered for over five years.
Now, a new Labour government is committing to it again, announcing as much in the King’s Speech.
But again, there was no mention of asexual people. And outside of the asexual community, it was disappointing but not surprising to see that there wasn’t much of an outcry.
Even within the broader LGBT+ community, people like me are often an afterthought. For some, we are a point of contention.
But the issues we face are a direct result of the same heteronormative structure that has harmed queer people for decades.
In 2017, I was pleased to see the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy published a Memorandum of Understanding (MoU) advocating for a ban on conversion practice.
Their MoU specifically called for asexuality to be clearly included in the ban, as well as bisexual, intersex and non-binary people, because ‘conversion therapy is unethical, potentially harmful and not supported by evidence.’
The Ban Conversion Therapy Coalition, as well as Stonewall, has openly backed asexual inclusion in the ban. And as an asexual person, I’ll keep fighting for it.
But we can’t fight this battle alone.
Your asexual friends, colleagues and family members need your help.
Frankly, we need more energy from the LGBTQIA+ community.
And we need support from outside, too.
Asexual orientation might not be something you know too much about – but trust me, this community deserves the same protection, respect and support as other marginalised groups.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
Share your views in the comments below.
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