I love my job – but my parents think its a waste of my expensive education

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she’s giving out sound advice on how to approach a friend who may have a potential problem with alcohol; and what to say to your parents when they disapprove of the job you love.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

Dear Em, can you help?

My parents keep telling me that I should be aiming higher in my career and that my job isn’t good enough. I know it’s because they think I’m capable of more – they paid a lot for my education – but I actually really like my job. It’s not high status and it doesn’t pay well, but I enjoy it and I can get by.

How do I tell them, lovingly, to get off my back?

I’m SO sorry to hear how your parents are speaking to you.

First things first: if you like your job then that is ABSOLUTELY the only thing that matters. They’re not bankrolling you, and their paying for your education was not an investment that they should have expected a return on later in life.

While I totally appreciate that they want the best for you, it sounds like you’ve got that, in a career that you enjoy, and whether or not you are capable of more is irrelevant. The most a parent can hope for (to my mind), is a happy and peaceful life for their child, and it sounds like you’ve done a brilliant job of building that for yourself, and I think you have every right to say that to them.

If I were you, the next time it comes up, I’d say something along the lines of:

‘While you know I will always be so appreciative of the chances you gave me in life and the incredible start my education gave me, I don’t like to think that it was done on a transactional basis and that you’d expect me to one day need to pay you back with a job that you deem to be ‘good’ enough.

I’m really grateful for the path I was put on, because it’s led me here, to a job that I really enjoy, living a life that I am proud of. It is hurtful to think that in making these choices I am disappointing you, but ultimately I have a responsibility to myself to be happy and I hope in time, you’ll be able to see that that is the most we could really hope for…’

If it’s too terrifying to do it face to face, write them a letter, letting them know how you feel and asking for their support.

If they can’t give it to you, please recognise that as their failing, not yours.

Dear Em, I think my friend has started developing a bit of a problem.

She gets super carried away whenever we go out, buying bottle after bottle for our table, even when the rest of us are done. The night inevitably ends with one of us having to get her into a cab, and the next day she pretends like nothing has happened.

I want to say something but I don’t know what to suggest.

This is such a tough situation to be in and I feel for you, and for your friend – because if you’re right that she is starting to develop a problem with alcohol, then acknowledging it will be a hard thing for you to do, and an even harder thing for her.

There’s always the possibility that she is all right and this behaviour, although tiring and worrying for you, is an indicator of a wild personality and inability to handle her booze, rather than burgeoning alcoholism.

But you know your friend, and often, a problem is easier identified from the outside.

Now, I have to stress that I am in no way a professional in this area – but it is a scenario I’ve been in a few times in my life now with people I love, some of whom have grown up and settled down and been absolutely fine, and others who have had to seek help and treatment for their addictions.

I’ve had my heart broken in this time by the hardest lesson that I ever learned, and that’s that you can’t save a person, or force them to get help, or really even help them to get better. That is something they are going to have to do for themselves, because they want to, and because they need to.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t tell her that you’re worried about her, and it doesn’t mean you can’t be there for her either. There’s an incredible group called Al-Anon that helps loved ones of addicts and you may benefit from visiting one of their sessions, to learn how best to help your friend.

There are absolutely ways you can talk to her about it, but ensuring that she feels that it comes from a place of love, not judgment, is imperative.

Equally, having the conversation in a way that enables her to open up to you and doesn’t make her feel that she needs to shut down and run away is key. This can be done by sending her a text beforehand to give her a heads-up of what you’d like to talk to her about, so as to make sure she doesn’t feel blindsided or attacked.

Knowledge is power so read up on this as best you can, check out Al-Anon, and when you feel ready to, find a way to have this conversation with your friend. It might be the very thing she needs to hear and even if it’s hard initially, knowing that you’re there for her will be invaluable.

Good luck, to both of you xxx

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