When I was diagnosed with ADHD in November 2021, I’d already been with my boyfriend for two and a half years.
Jacob says his first impression of me was that I was bubbly and outgoing, sociable and kind. While he is, of course, correct, very quickly, I started to let my barriers down.
Hyper moments where we’d end up in piles of laughter together and, at the other end of the spectrum, difficult ones where I’d be crying down the phone to him, riddled with anxiety.
ADHD, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, is a neurodevelopmental condition, which the NHS website describes as a ‘condition that affect people’s behaviour.’
The symptoms might broadly include restlessness, trouble concentrating and impulsive behaviour, but they’re also so much more nuanced than that: whilst men and boys tend to be more outward in their symptoms, perhaps hyperactive or overly energetic, women and girls internalise theirs.
As such, many are diagnosed late – or not at all, with charity ADHD Foundation estimating that 50 to 75% of the one million women in the UK with ADHD remain undiagnosed.
Not only did my diagnosis change my life; it changed our relationship, and for the better. Before, it outwardly looked like I was constantly running late, oversharing in social situations, struggling to sleep at night and running out of money.
I also had – and still do have – a short fuse and was liable to snapping if I was overwhelmed and overstimulated, something that no doubt caused Jacob, upset.
Now, not only do we have language to put to my behaviour, but we have reassurance that there are coping mechanisms to help us both.
Having ADHD can make you more vulnerable in relationships, whether because you’re struggling with the impact of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) or feeling emotionally dysregulated.
In the wrong circumstances, it could be all too easy for a partner to exploit that, effectively gaslighting you by using the ‘it’s just your ADHD talking’ excuse to gaslight you with. But not once has Jacob ever made me feel that way; he’s taken the steps to understand the way my brain works and what it needs, and he’s never shamed me for that.
And, crucially, there are other people out there who are on a similar journey.
Richard and Roxanne Pink, 38 and 39, have been together for four years. When they met during lockdown, Rox was sober and celibate, a choice she made as she was looking to change her relationship with alcohol and end a spell of bad relationships.
When she started therapy, Rox was struggling with alcoholism, debt, work and crucially, relationships.
Subsequently, following a referral for a private assessment, she was diagnosed with ADHD after she started dating Rich. In fact, it was his work’s company health policy that unlocked this route for her.
‘When I was first with Rich, a lot of my anxieties, emotions, difficulties and struggles were kept inside because I felt so embarrassed and ashamed about them,’ Rox, who lives in Sevenoaks, tells Metro.co.uk.
‘Since finding out it was ADHD, and that being in our daily conversation, doing loads of therapy and learning loads about it, I just started to slowly become myself.’
From Rich’s perspective, he was able to understand the reason for some of Rox’s behaviours, whether her extreme emotional sensitivity or her timekeeping skills.
‘Before the diagnosis, it was really easy for me to just assume that Rox was making a mess on purpose, being late because she was careless or inconsiderate, or not thinking about me when we’d make plans,’ Rich says.
‘All of the things that actually were a struggle for Rox. The diagnosis helped me approach things with curiosity and not judgment, and diffused a lot of things that could’ve ended in conflict.’
Since Rox’s diagnosis, the pair have grown their TikTok account, @adhd_love, to over 898K followers.
They’ve released their first book, Dirty Laundry: Why Adults With ADHD Are So Ashamed and What We Can Do To Help, and their second one, Small Talk: 10 ADHD lies and How To Stop Believing Them, is out in May, sharing what they’ve learnt about ADHD as a couple with the world.
Elsewhere, Lauren Goodman, 37, initially sought an ADHD diagnosis via the NHS route, but after being told that she potentially faced a wait of up to four years, she opted to pay for a private assessment. She was 36 at the time.
Like me, Lauren was diagnosed during a relationship. She’s now been married to her husband for 10 years, and so she never had to have a ‘formal’ conversation where she revealed her diagnosis on a first date – because he was by her side the whole time.
‘I am so lucky that my partner has been so supportive throughout the whole process – he has done his own research to support me in finding solutions to things I find difficult and has always taken my diagnosis really seriously which is all you want in a partner,’ Lauren, who lives in Surrey, says.
‘Together, we have found really tangible solutions to ensuring our household can be run productively and the coping mechanisms I need to implement (exercise!) to ensure I am a great mum and partner.’
As well as working together to run the household, Lauren and her husband have improved their communication since her ADHD diagnosis. In fact, it’s now easier for both parties.
‘I know what skills I need to use to communicate why things are different in terms of the way I work, communicate and organise and my husband understands this more now too – a win-win for everyone,’ Lauren concludes.
For Georgina Conner, 30, the penny dropped when she and her boyfriend were scrolling on Instagram together in 2020.
They came across a post detailing the symptoms, which she joked were ‘exactly’ like her. She then dove headfirst into a ‘rabbit hole’ of research and referred herself for a diagnosis.
‘Having someone that loves you for your ‘weirdness’ and ‘quirks’ is more than I could ever ask for. Ryan celebrates my differences and encourages me to be my authentic self,’ Georgina, who lives in Buckinghamshire, details.
‘Getting a diagnosis helps you build on your self-esteem which ultimately makes your relationship and love for your partner even stronger.’
Now, Georgina and Ryan have grown closer. Georgina knows what her triggers are and, if she becomes over-stimulated and lashes out emotionally, he knows ‘not to take anything personally.’
‘I also sometimes have manic hours where I’ll be crashing around the house in whirlwind, tidying up or working on something,’ Georgina details.
‘I don’t notice that I’m being chaotic but having him cautiously approach and softly tap me on the shoulder to suggest I have a sit on the sofa and a cup of tea to catch my breath is so helpful.’
So, what can couples do post-diagnosis to help them in their relationship journey?
‘Understanding the patterns you both fall into and how to interrupt those patterns is critical to your success. If you work with a professional, make sure that they really understand ADHD so that you don’t get bad advice,’ suggests Melissa Orlov, founder of ADHDmarriage.com and ADHD & Marriage Consulting.
‘Make sure that you tackle any emotional dysregulation in the relationship immediately, as it is much easier to rebuild your relationship from a foundation of stability rather than volatility.
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‘And, if possible, try to find some lightness together, as well. It’s always helpful to remember how much you like each other as you are doing this work.’
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