My son refused to touch light switches. It broke my heart

‘Come on Zach, let’s get your shoes on,’ I smiled as I ushered my three-year-old towards the front door.

‘No!’ he shouted before clambering up the staircase and refusing to come any closer.

I tried to encourage him but he started to kick and scream with fear in his eyes until I closed the front door again.

It was March 2020 and trying to get Zach to go out for our daily exercise during lockdown got more challenging every day.

He was terribly anxious about the germs that could make him sick and I feared history was repeating itself.

My very first panic attack happened at the age of six while I was at home.

It all stemmed from a sudden realisation that I would die one day.

There was no particular trigger for this epiphany, I was just a worrier and got into a habit of overthinking from a young age. But this realisation that I would die and there was nothing I could do about it sent me spiralling.

Anxiety flooded my body, and I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. 

My parents called an ambulance and paramedics told me to blow into a paper bag and I’d be fine.

But it wasn’t a one-off. After that, panic attacks became a part of normal life for me.

Small, everyday things like going to school could set me off. And my mum has told me that I was really emotional and had a bad panic attack while watching Princess Diana’s funeral in 1997. But I don’t remember that.

Despite seeing multiple GPs, no one ever seemed to take me seriously. One doctor even called me a hypochondriac.

Not even my parents knew what to do, but they at least tried to help.

I remember one day, having been to a car boot sale that morning, my dad purchased an angel figure for me.

‘This is your guardian angel,’ he told me. ‘They’re here to help when you feel scared.’

That little figure stayed next to my bed every night, and though it seemed to help, the root of my anxiety was never discussed properly, so I continued to struggle for years.

It affected my life for a long time. I hated being in busy spaces. I would constantly check my body for signs of illness, such as lumps.

Even when I met my husband, Stephen, in 2011 I was still suffering.

I was open about my mental health and thankfully he was understanding. 

When we fell pregnant in 2015, I worried my anxiety would snowball. That all the impending fear of motherhood would manifest itself in ugly ways. But it never did.

In fact the pregnancy was fine. But giving birth to Zach in August 2016 was traumatic and after that my mental health plummeted.

My anxiety became completely uncontrollable. I was constantly worrying about Zach – was he breathing, was he eating enough, was he going to die – and I took him to the doctor’s regularly.

I even experienced suicidal thoughts, which was terrifying.

I confided in my loved ones, which helped, and also went to see the GP.

Just having somebody say, ‘This is why you are feeling this way and this is what you can do’ was incredible. Had I known it would be that easy, I would have gone much sooner.

Eventually I was told I was suffering from health anxiety. It made so much sense to me and it felt like a weight had lifted.

I was prescribed antidepressants and went to cognitive behavioural therapy over the course of six months.

Even after just the first round of CBT I felt amazing. After half a year, I went on a plane and for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel scared.  

Feeling better in myself than I had in decades I was now determined to help others, and so I trained in mental health advocacy and youth mental health – working for the Advocacy Focus charity. 

Life finally seemed to be going at a steady pace, and then Covid hit. My once happy go lucky boy, was now frightened to leave the house.

He’d tell me, ‘It’s not safe to go outside.’ Would get upset at the mention of going for a walk and getting ready was becoming a task in itself.

But it wasn’t just leaving the house that was the problem.

Zach also became obsessed with washing his hands and became fearful of touching ‘dirty things’ after he learned germs could make him sick.

Even as restrictions started lifting he’d stay glued to the floor under the dining room table, refusing to come outside and play with his cousins.

At one point he became obsessed with electricity and wouldn’t touch a lightswitch or have his lamp on because he was convinced he was going to be electrocuted. 

It broke my heart to see him like this and now I knew how my parents had felt all those years ago. Helpless.

The only difference now was, I knew what he was going through. I’d been there.

But there was no way I was about to let any child of mine wait more than 20 years for a diagnosis or help.

So, I began looking into how I could help him.

Unfortunately, there’s a real lack of information about helping children with anxiety and when it comes to professional support, there’s a wait time of up to three years.

Between my own experience and the skills I had from working in mental health, I figured it was up to me to start teaching him about thoughts and emotions.

I’d ask Zach to tell me three things that have made him happy that day. Or we’d do breathing exercises but in a child-friendly way – such as calling them shark fin breathing. The changes were gradual but I could see progress.

We then went on to make worksheets, games and puzzles all on varying topics like anger, anxiety, grief and OCD. And the change in Zach was phenomenal.

He now tells me how he’s feeling and we talk about ways we can reduce his worries.

And anytime there is a change in behaviour – for example, when he started to practise putting on his socks many times throughout the day, which stemmed from being anxious about going swimming with his school and having to get changed in the changing room – we always talk it through.

I was so pleased but also knew that, if both Zach and I had suffered, the likelihood was that there would be thousands of other children and families struggling too.

So in September 2021, having created more than 100 resources, I launched Be Happy Resources – a £2.49-a-month online subscription where parents could download and print the varying games, flashcards and worksheets to use at home.

Two years on and it now hosts 1,000 therapist-approved downloadable educational and support tools for children aged 0-teens to learn about mental health and managing emotions and helps families and schools across the UK.

We’ve not only attracted parents, but teachers, schools, NHS clinicians and more and I fully believe that every child can benefit from using them.

As for Zach and I, we’re doing much better. He still has moments of anxiety but is thriving and better at expressing his worries and though I am still taking antidepressants and have occasional moments of anxiety, I am in the best place mentally I have ever been in my life. 

I took Zach to London in 2023, hopped off and on buses and completed a scavenger hunt in a really crowded setting – something that wouldn’t have been impossible before.

Creating new resources gives me a purpose and helping others really has helped me understand more about and accept my own mental health. 

Zach is still my little guinea pig of course, and we love making new resources together. But our mission is to spread the message to help as many families and children as we can.

Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of, the important thing is to seek help, don’t face it alone. If you do that, I promise, that things do get better.

Check out Be Happy Resources here: https://www.behappyresources.co.uk/

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