Life has so many limitations for women (I don’t mean to sound so woe-is-me but it is harder for us).
Because the ‘bitchy, catty’ cliche of women who ‘can’t get along with each other’ still prevails, at the start of this year, I decided that I would make a conscious effort to empower, represent and pass the mic to marginalised women.
These are strong women who had things to say, brilliant women who had things to show off and who, like pretty much any person, would welcome positive feedback.
So I started by dropping them a small compliment:
The aim was to lift my fellow ladies online.
Though many of these conversations happened face-to-face and with women I knew, I also made sure to try and reach out to different people and new communities.
What took a little effort had a huge difference in how I interacted with people and how they ended up interacting with me.
It’s something that just takes a moment’s thought and everyone should start doing it if they’re not already.
What I ended up with were friends with whom I share a sweet story. And it was beautiful to see how they, in turn, ended up nurturing and supporting me and my work.
When you’re bombarded with so many images on social media, it’s easy to like it or leave a little emoji on your friends’ pictures.
But sometimes it’s important to tell people you don’t know very well that they look really good or that you like how they’ve done something.
It’s not about empty gestures or saying things to curry favour or seem nice, it’s about telling someone you don’t otherwise speak to (or perhaps do) that you appreciate them.
And it always means so much more when it comes from someone you don’t necessarily interact with all the time because you know it’s real. They’re not doing it out of loyalty or for friendship’s sake.
So now at the end of 2018, I’ve connected with so many wonderful women:
I bonded the most with these women when earlier in the year, I requested for people to get in touch with me for a story about being sexually abused.
To my surprise, and my dismay, many women and girls ranging from old colleagues, school friends, acquaintances, and friends of friends got in touch with me to tell me some of their most personal and horrific stories.
After our conversation, one of these women even had the courage to tell her family of her own sexual abuse – something I can’t take credit for as she had that in her all along, she just needed the push.
And I realised that women are bound together by so many of our shared experiences. From everyday sexism to institutionalised sexism, internalised misogyny, sexual harassment and abuse, racism, ableism, health, opportunities and much more.
2018 was certainly the year the world started paying attention to women, from allegations of sexual abuse by powerful figures to lifting bans on abortions in certain countries. But we need to do so much more.
Black women are still being ignored when they report worrying symptoms and being denied healthcare, among so many other things. Muslim women are constantly policed for what they wear. Trans women have a shockingly low life expectancy. There’s period poverty, bra poverty, the pay gap, and so many issues faced by us just because we’re women.
Men have their issues too but generally work by a ‘bro code’ or gentleman’s club whereby they swear unconditional loyalty to one another, help to raise each other up and then maintain their powerful positions.
We as women need to dismantle this system. Of course, men need to be allies too because the problem won’t go away with the work of women alone nor should we be solely responsible for solving a problem the majority of us had no hand in creating.
I’m not saying a few compliments here and there will fix the problem either but it might just help us unite and mobilise and chip away at the foundations of the patriarchy, which is set up not only to disadvantage women but also harms the very people it seeks to prop up (men are still denied feelings, and emotion and sexual fluidity).
One little action might make women feel believed, heard, empowered. And we’re all capable of creating that feeling.
So in 2019, let’s make sure we keep creating it.
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