Using an anonymous egg donor taught me that being a mother is not about genetics

I wanted children more than anyone I knew, but didn’t meet the man I wanted them with until I was 38.

My husband and I started trying for a baby soon after we were married, but after a failed round of IVF, the doctors told us our options were to forget it, adopt or use donor eggs.

I had never heard of anyone using donor eggs – it all felt too much like an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

At the time, I was devastated and unable to get past the insurmountable idea of having a child with no genetic connection to me.

But, when my sister – who was 37 and had two children of her own – offered to donate her eggs, I accepted with gratitude.

Unfortunately, using my sister’s eggs and my husband’s sperm also failed. I was close to despair, although in hindsight, I consider it a blessing in disguise.

My doctor and I discussed plan B, which came in the form of Dr. Michael Levy at the Shady Grove fertility clinic in Washington, who had seen a high success rate with UK patients using donor eggs.

We knew that we wanted to use an anonymous donor, but still get as much information as possible about her, and moved forward with egg donor treatment in the US. I gave birth to my daughter in March 2014.

When my daughter came out she felt like an old friend that I was desperate to see – I was beyond excited to meet her, yet had a strong sense that I knew her well already.

I feel strongly about telling my story for two reasons.

Firstly, I refuse to be part of the conspiracy of women lying about how they are getting pregnant in their 40s.

I was that woman – reading about celebrities having twins at 45 and using these kind of stories to delude myself that it was ok to wait, because I’d have plenty of time to have a baby.

Secondly, I want women to be aware of the limitations of their fertility: sex education needs to be about more than not getting pregnant or contracting an STD.

It must raise awareness of the brutal decline in fertility with age and how hard it can be to get pregnant at all.

People can be very ignorant about infertility unless they encounter problems of their own, especially when it comes to egg donation. Some have asked me how I got my child back into the country and whether I had to adopt her.

If I had waited until I was completely sure, I would never have done it, but ultimately, it comes down to how much you want a baby.

Being a mother is such a practical thing, there is neither the time nor energy to dwell on anything but keeping your baby clean, fed and thriving.

I experienced that feeling of familiarity that all mothers describe.

When my daughter came out she felt like an old friend that I was desperate to see – I was beyond excited to meet her, yet had a strong sense that I knew her well already.

It was expensive to go to America for treatment but there were advantages, such as the shared risk programme, which means that you are guaranteed a baby or get your money back.

The cost was around $35,000 for up to six rounds of treatment. At the end, you either end up with a baby – in which case money seems irrelevant – or you just lose the price of flights and hotels.

Once I got past the buy-one-get-one-free aspect, I realised that this was a stroke of genius.

People often ask me whether I wish I had only paid for a single round, given I got pregnant on my first attempt, but I don’t. Having the safety net of further rounds enabled me to relax and trust the process.

Some women plan not to tell their children that they are donor-conceived.

There is strong evidence against this; discovering this information when they are older is proven to have an adverse effect on children.

I encourage women who are determined about keeping this a secret to have more counselling, as they have probably not come to terms with the idea yet themselves.

Most women considering donor egg treatment are essentially worried about the same things:

Will I bond with my baby?

Will my child be damaged by this?

What if my baby looks nothing like me?

My message is simple. Being a mother is not about genetics.

To mother is a verb. It is about everything that you do from conception onwards. It is about the nurture and not the nature.

Using an egg donor is without question the best decision I have ever made.

I left it too late to have my own biological child, but I feel lucky that medical science enabled me to do this and that I was able to scrape the money together.

But mostly I feel lucky that I have the absolute privilege of being a mother to the most beautiful, kind and funny little girl I have ever met.

Sarah is a theatre and soon-to-be television director, speechwriter, teacher and also works as a UK patient liaison for Shady Grove Fertility. Most importantly she is Daisy’s mum! Sarah is happy to speak to anyone who is considering donor egg treatment in the US. You can find her website here.

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