Stream It Or Skip It: ‘Poolman’ on Hulu, a Meandering Noir-Farce From Director and Star Chris Pine

Poolman (now streaming on Hulu) is the passion project of Chris Pine, who directs, co-writes (with Ian Gotler) and stars in an, uh, farce-noir comedy that um, well – dammit, let’s not beat around the bush here: This is one of the year’s biggest duds. It’s an impressive conglomeration of talent – Pine, Annette Bening, Danny DeVito, Jennifer Jason Leigh, DeWanda Wise – working incredibly hard to go absolutely nowhere for 100 minutes. It inevitably draws comparison to The Big Lebowski, another movie about a dopey slacker that didn’t find its audience initially, but I think that’s where the comparison needs to end, because I don’t see this one being reclaimed as a classic after a year or three.

POOLMAN: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: LET IT BE KNOWN that Poolman is the kind of movie that makes you want to read into the character’s names. Take Darren Barrenman (Pine), who, as that last name suggests, may not have a lot going on up in that head of his. He certainly thinks he’s the Van Gogh of poolmen, as he seems to take his job seriously, examining the chemical properties of The Tahitian Tiki’s kidney-shaped pool like he’s a research scientist curing leukemia, and wielding his long-handled skimmer like he’s Rembrandt painting a masterpiece. His girlfriend is The Tahitian’s manager, Susan Kerkovish (Leigh). They have sex and then she wants to talk about their relationship, but he doesn’t seem interested, and possibly not capable? He’s… focused on other things, it seems. Or maybe just vacant. A barren man, perhaps.

There is one thing about him, though. He routinely pulls out the typewriter and dashes off sorta-confessional fan letters to Erin Brockovich. This has something to do with his status as an activist, a rather generous descriptor for whatever it is he’s passionate about, which demands that he routinely attend city council meetings and rail on incoherently about L.A.’s need for more public transportation and trolleys and while we’re at it land developers are bad. City councilman Stephen Toronkowski (Stephen Tobolowsky, see what he did there?) knows Darren Barrenman’s (seriously, GTFO here with that name, Pine) shtick all too well, but the more Toronkowski dismisses the kook, the more the kook digs in. Meanwhile, the owners of the Tahitian are kinda Darren’s parental figures. Their names? Jack (DeVito) and Diane (Bening). Here’s a little ditty about this movie: Stop it. Enough already.

Jack appears to be making a documentary about Darren, which is rich, because we’re already watching a fiction movie about the guy and it’s starting to feel pretty insufferable. Diane is Darren’s psychotherapist, and that’s supposed to be funny. Or at least it should be, but it really isn’t. Darren’s best pal is Wayne (John Ortiz), who isn’t a character at all, but he does end up dating Susan after she gets fed up with Darren; Wayne also plays a key role in the plot when it really needs someone to drop out of the sky and get us to the end of this thing. A thing that doesn’t really begin until June Del Rey (Wise), an employee under Toronkowski, shows up to femme fatale all over the place, and get Darren to don his detective’s hat and investigate a potential corruption scandal that has something to do with land development, the city’s water supply and an almond magnate played by Ray Wise. Yes, an almond magnate. Might be the funniest thing this movie comes up with. Too bad it’s not that funny, eh?

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: Just call it Incoherent Vice or The Big Toronkowski. There are also multiple flat-on-the-nose references to Chinatown, which Poolman isn’t trying to be, thankfully. Oh, and the few scenes where Darren hallucinates a talking iguana is straight outta Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.

Performance Worth Watching: Tobolowsky is one pearl amidst a lot of silt here, getting some good comic traction out of a character who secretly moonlights as Blanche Devereaux in a drag stage performance of Golden Girls. 

Memorable Dialogue: Gotta admit I like this one line, and the way Ray Wise delivers it: “Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known god.”

Sex and Skin: Some non-nude humpy-hump between Pine and Leigh. 

Our Take: Three things about Poolman that drew a laugh: Tobolowsky’s performance. Ray Wise delivering a few lines like he’s still in Twin Peaks. And a bit in which Darren wonders if he can actually meditate too much, which is amusing, since he takes a deep breath and meditates at the bottom of a pool. Not a lot of oxygen seems to get to the brain of this character even when he’s above water. But he’s not stupid. Or smart. Or focused or unfocused. Or much of anything, except a vague goof at the center of a movie that’s trying to be a nutty farce. The fact that we can’t get a decent grip on this guy is likely intentional, a choice in a story about a guy who’s trying not to be passive, but may be incapable of being active because he’s spent too much time finding his underwater zen.

Granted, this approach to a lead character doesn’t automatically harpoon a film’s functionality. But Pine struggles to find a tone with Poolman that isn’t grating or bewildering, and the overarching story of local greed and corruption is so inconsequential and muddled, it gives us absolutely no incentive to give a damn. Pine tries Atlmanesque overlapping dialogue, surreal-dream indulgences, love-letter shots of L.A. (and inside jokes for SoCal locals and film buffs), bleached noir strokes, supporting characters that feel like celeb guest-star drop-ins and madcap Coen Bros. homages that are such comedic failures you’ll want to rename the movie Burn After Watching. It never achieves any level of narrative momentum, and feels doomed from conception. I guess this is what happens when you try to make a movie about a barren man.

Our Call: Nothing about Poolman works. Not a damn thing. SKIP IT.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan.