The Great Celebrity Ball

Okay, people watchers, did you know that Marvin Traub is one of the ninety-two most publicized persons in the world? Well, neither did we until we came across a statement by Pauline Kael in The New Yorker that the country has never been as star crazy as it is right now, and we got this powerful itch to find out exactly which stars the country is craziest about. The first order of business was coming up with a broad but manageable celebrity scoring system. After restricting the time period to the first six months of 1974, Esquire turned first to the newspaper of record, The New York Times. Anyone mentioned in its “Notes on People” column rated one point, a photo there got them two points. Next stop, the bible of the beautiful people, Women’s Wear Daily, wherein Esquire found so doggone many beautiful people get mentioned in the “Eye” and “Eye View” sections that it required a photo to qualify (worth just one point, since WWD photographs one heck of a lot of B.P.’s). For a barbershop tabloid, Esquire picked the new National Star. Getting mentioned on the front page rated two points, a pic, three. Then, the slicks. Time, Newsweek and People cover photo: three points. Being mentioned on People’s cover was worth two points, and making Time’s “People” or Newsweek’s “Newsmakers” sections brought two points for a photo and one point for a mention. After tabulating thousands of names ranging from Albert Selby, the Senate men’s-room attendant (The Times, 1 point), to Morris the cat (Time pic, 2 points), we bring you the winners, seen celebrating above, seated in their official pecking order. Oh, yes, Esquire was forced to disqualify Richard Nixon for having been too pushy in using his office to garner publicity. And, in case you were wondering, Marvin Traub is the president of Bloomingdale’s.

Picture Key

The King and Queen of Celebritydom: Henry Kissinger (39 points) and Jacqueline Onassis (32 points). The Ten Darlings of the Dais: Princess Anne (21 points), Frank Sinatra (26 points), Pat Nixon (25 points), Gerald Ford (30 points), Robert Redford (21 points), Elizabeth Taylor (21 points), Prince Charles (29 points), Nancy Maginnes Kissinger (21 points), Edward Kennedy Jr. (29 points) and Edward Kennedy (36 points). Table 1 (20 points): Liza Minnelli and Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn. Table 2 (19 points): Richard Burton. Table 3 (18 points): Queen Elizabeth II and Patty Hearst. Table 4 (17 points): Spiro Agnew, Lord Snowdon and the unsinkable Marilyn Monroe. Table 5 (16 points): Captain Mark Phillips, Mia Farrow and Joan Kennedy. Table 6 (15 points): Martha Mitchell. Table 7 (14 points): Zero Mostel. Table 8 (13 points): Hubert Humphrey and Pope Paul VI. Table 9 (12 points): Clifford Irving, Cher Bono, Sonny Bono and Raquel Welch. Table 10 (11 points): Lady Jane Wellesley, Princess Margaret, Ethel Kennedy and Princess Grace. Table 11 (10 points): Lucille Ball, Rose Kennedy, Lady Bird Johnson, John J. Sirica, Julie Eisenhower, Elliot Richardson and Lauren Hutton. Table 12 (9 points): Ronald Reagan, Ann-Margret, John Lindsay, Katharine Hepburn, Averell Harriman, Mary Bacon and George Wallace. Table 13 (8 points): Bob Hope, Sam Ervin, Guru Maharaj Ji, William Calley, Princess Caroline, Laura Jo Watkins, Bing Crosby, Leon Jaworski, John Kennedy Jr., Rudolf Nureyev, Marjorie Wallace, Barbara Walters, Henry Fonda, Edith Irving, Connie Stevens, Joseph Alioto, Edmund Muskie, Aristotle Onassis, Henry Jackson and Rose Mary Woods. Table 14 (7 points): Anwar Sadat, William Simon, Nelson Rockefeller, Cicely Tyson, Huntington Hartford, The Most Reverend Michael Arthur Ramsey, Marion Javits, Jack Nicholson, Joe Namath, Steve McQueen, Maria Callas, Prince Philip, William Peter Blatty, Jacqueline Susann, Loulou de la Falaise, Bernard Cornfeld, Marvin Traub, Redd Foxx, Abe Beame, Lorna Luft, David Cassidy, Tatum O’Neal and Barbra Streisand. The Gate-crashers (some one-pointers who will simply have to try harder to make the guest list): Christopher Plummer, Nancy Sinatra, Bobby Riggs, Ginger Rogers, Peter Fonda, Mark Spitz, Dr. David Reuben, Patrick Buchanan, Hugh Scott, Abigail Van Buren, William Kunstler, Julie Andrews, Dinah Shore, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Paula Prentiss, O. J. Simpson, Philip Berrigan, Barbara Howar, Erich Segal, Rona Barrett, Warren Burger, John Connally, Salvador Dali, Marlene Dietrich and Johnny Carson.